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The Bloggess: Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight:

The Bloggess: Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight:
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Here there be spoilers, by the way.

  More inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight:

6. So in Twilight, all the bodily fluids of the vampires are poisonous. Their spit is venomous and their eyes juice is so acidic that it dissolves contact lenses, yet their semen is perfectly harmless. Um…what?

7. Edward’s entire body is made to be super violently fast and all inhumanly strong. So when he had unprotected sex with Bella, why didn’t his super-semen shoot through her body like a bullet out the back of her skull?

8. Remember when Edward kept telling Bella that he couldn’t plow her because it was “just too dangerous” and she just wouldn’t lay off? I wonder if he ever just said “IT’S BECAUSE I WOULD BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF WITH MY SEMEN, BELLA! GOD! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE SMART ONE. I’M JUST TRYING TO BE DELICATE HERE.”

9. If you’re going to die anyway, I bet death by vampire ejaculation is a good way to go.

10. Unless the vampire suffered from premature ejaculation. That would be a shitty way to go. Especially if you didn’t even get it all the way in and he just accidentally shot off your leg with his semen. That would totally suck.

11. I bet the reason why the Cullen’s sit alone at lunch is because they don’t want to get too close to all those girls on their periods.

12. Wait, did Bella just never have a period, ever? How did she get pregnant then? Why wasn’t shit this covered in the books?

14. I bet it sucked when Bella was pregnant and living at the Cullen’s house because when you’re pregnant you get super gassy and every time she farted everyone in the entire house would know it instantly no matter where they were because they all have that super-amazing sense of smell and hearing. Except Alice can tell the future so she probably knew it was coming and had some kind of codeword to use so everyone could stop breathing for awhile. Probably, something like “Bella’s about to fart, you guys”. Alice isn’t very subtle.

15. If I was Bella I’d never be able to use the bathroom at the vampire house. They all know what you’re doing in there, Bella.

16. You know what would suck? If you were the human girlfriend of a vampire and you wanted to have oral sex but the dental dam dissolved because of his caustic mouth venom and then you got infected with vampire venom. In the vagina. That would be like Chlamydia times a billion, probably.

17. I wonder if I’m the only person who’s ever wondered this stuff? My guess is “yes”.

UPDATED: Oh holy crap, y’all. Apparently I’m not the only one who wonders about this sort of stuff. Surprisingly, that’s not as comforting as I thought it would be.

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Lmao, I love your Articles! This one is so fucking funny!

08/03/2012
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Interviews with The Bloggess

  • Most people know Jenny as The Bloggess, a prolific writer with a sense of humor and style that many are scrambling to imitate. How does a woman who hides in the bathroom at most blogger conferences and muses on clown porn get to be an online sensation?

    Jenny is a columnist, blogger, mom and comedian. Her personal blog, [http://thebloggess.com/|thebloggess.com], is extremely popular and has developed a cult following, according to Marie Claire Magazine. She’s been a regular contributor to the online Houston Chronicle since 2006 and also writes a popular advice column for PNN and a satirical sex column for [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/columns/the-bloggess/|SexIs Magazine]. Jenny has been the keynote speaker at major conferences, as well as featured on countless sites including Salon.com and MSNBC; and Gawker once referred to her as an "interesting psycho". She prefers the term "creative visionary". Jenny suggests you ask her about how she gets her hair so shiny, or what’s wrong with her. But we know that’s a wig, and there’s nothing wrong with Jenny – she created a pitch perfect style that grabs readers, and keeps them. Whether inadvertently mobilizing the Bloggess Army, going to [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/bloggess-does-japan4-110691/|Japan] on a sex culture / geisha mission of sorts, interviewing [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/bloggess-nina-hartley-best-friend-0204101/|porn stars], giving sex advice, or relating the hilarious arguments she has with [http://thebloggess.com/?p=5168|her husband], The Bloggess has us hooked. Join us in learning more about this unpredictable funny lady.

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