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Everything weird I know about sex I learned from Twitter

Everything weird I know about sex I learned from Twitter
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Why I will never get divorced

  “Three Hot Words” according to people who I swear aren’t me:

I want you.
No panties on.
In the mirror.
Let’s just cuddle.
Bring a friend.
Let me help.
No gag reflex.
I’m absolutely still.
Wanna play Halo?
Bitey vampire sex.
Tastes like chicken.
Punish me, officer.
I’ll pay cash.
Squeeze my funzies.
Say my name.
I AM SPARTACUS.
Thanks, Dick Cheney.
Let’s go, penis!
Resistance is futile.
Who wants bacon?
I’m a gymnast.
Boiling molten lava.
Free fountain drink.

And then this meme quickly deteriorated into “Four Turn-Off Words” people have had said to them:

It’s not very contagious.
I thought you knew.
We should pray together.
That’s never happened before.
Have you been itching?
Get off my mother!
Is it in yet?
That’s NOT my vagina.
What’s your sisters number?
You are the father.
Denise Richards: It’s complicated.
Do you love me?
I’m inside your house.
What would Jesus do?
My parents aren’t home.
Nice nut-sack, dude!
Let’s pretend we’re related.

And right about then, I thanked God that I’m married and don’t ever have to date again because the weirdest thing Victor ever said to me in bed was “I’m gonna throw up” but technically it was *after* sex and he’d had food poisoning that week so I’m pretty sure it wasn’t me.

Shut up.

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I AM SPARTACUS! total winner...

02/11/2012

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Newest Bloggess post – ‘Everything weird I know about sex I learned from Twitter’ [21] Jun.02, 2009
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Interviews with The Bloggess

  • Most people know Jenny as The Bloggess, a prolific writer with a sense of humor and style that many are scrambling to imitate. How does a woman who hides in the bathroom at most blogger conferences and muses on clown porn get to be an online sensation?

    Jenny is a columnist, blogger, mom and comedian. Her personal blog, [http://thebloggess.com/|thebloggess.com], is extremely popular and has developed a cult following, according to Marie Claire Magazine. She’s been a regular contributor to the online Houston Chronicle since 2006 and also writes a popular advice column for PNN and a satirical sex column for [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/columns/the-bloggess/|SexIs Magazine]. Jenny has been the keynote speaker at major conferences, as well as featured on countless sites including Salon.com and MSNBC; and Gawker once referred to her as an "interesting psycho". She prefers the term "creative visionary". Jenny suggests you ask her about how she gets her hair so shiny, or what’s wrong with her. But we know that’s a wig, and there’s nothing wrong with Jenny – she created a pitch perfect style that grabs readers, and keeps them. Whether inadvertently mobilizing the Bloggess Army, going to [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/bloggess-does-japan4-110691/|Japan] on a sex culture / geisha mission of sorts, interviewing [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/bloggess-nina-hartley-best-friend-0204101/|porn stars], giving sex advice, or relating the hilarious arguments she has with [http://thebloggess.com/?p=5168|her husband], The Bloggess has us hooked. Join us in learning more about this unpredictable funny lady.

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