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  • 50 Shades of Singapore

    August 29, 2012
    50 Shades of Singapore
    Recently Singapore banned Fifty Shades of Grey from their libraries, which started up sort of an amazing collection of erotica as if censored by the government. It was awesome and I have to share:

    Slowly she began spreading her legs as wide as she could…she had to get all the crab’s black pepper sauce. ~ @brucery

    “More to the right. Up, up, MORE, THERE!! GO FASTER!! YESSSSSSSS!!! Ahhh!!!” was what he said when the itch was scratched. ~ @Lexandria

    He squeezed while pumping non-stop, slowly feeling drained. The blood donation was nearly done. ~ @Alexkwa

    It was long and hard, and we panted all the way through. But the 24 click road march was nearly over. ~ @alexkwa

    “It’s so big! And red! Ah, and it’s bulging. What a terrible pimple.” ~ @TIMzDeProZ

    He placed his fingers gently on it and rubbed up and down with delight in his eyes. His new Samsung S3. ~ @sarahhtxy

    “Put it in your mouth and swallow it all.” He told her. “Then wash those pills down with some water,” he continued. ~ @TamEasy

    “Faster! Faster! Just a little more!” screamed the PE teacher at the students running their 2.4km.

    She moaned as she saw his stick. Her eyes widened. Old man. Must give up seat. ~ @nickyxkhor

    Her screams echoed as I penetrated her and then ejaculated inside her. Another pri 6 girl completed her injection. ~ @LarryLoyle

    “Go deeper. Deeper…oh yes…yes! Ahhhhm it’s coming out” She finally got his ear wax out. ~ @sleepykidddd

    She kept pushing her fingers in, not believing how tight it was. It’s been a long time since she’d wear those jeans. ~ @eFaereo

    “Mmm…soft and tender. Aunty, your tofu is very nice!” ~ @Hangiweiyo

    “I could keep these balls in my mouth forever” she whispered to herself while eating her takoyaki. ~ @kflamex

    “Harder! Harder!” he said to himself as he used more strength to pump air into the bicycle. ~ @jiaxingah

    “It’s so hard…” she moaned, fingering the mathematics textbook gingerly.

    “I like the way you gently stroke and caress with your thumb in an upward manner, as you read.” ~ @kirenYvew

    They moaned and groaned while struggling with trial and error in their 1st attempt. Such is the nature of Number Pattern Equations. ~ @Missloi

    She was the kind who liked taking three shafts at once, leaving the other train passengers nothing to hold on to. ~ @mrBrown

    “You’re a virgin?” he gasped, surprised as she shyly nodded. “Do you want to teach sex education?” ~ @longadin

    She pumped it harder and harder, trying to reach a whole number for her petrol price. ~ @dodgyaudgy

    “I want to feel utterly helpless and submissive” she whispered. “Our pleasure,” replied the govt. ~ @syntaxfreeblog

    They liked to share so it was two girls, one cup of Plum Green Tea. ~ @mrbrown

    She rubbed it furiously. He couldn’t hold it back anymore. “Aunty! You have to take your ezlink card out of your bag to scan it. ~ @genietheogre

    Am I supposed to sit or squat on it?” She asked, as she looked at the whole in the public toilet. ~ @mrbrown

    “Does that hurt?” he asked. She writhed in ecstatic agony. “Your kidneys are weak. Must do more reflexology.” ~ @maenadery

    She sucked down every single drop. Oh, how she loved those balls in her mouth. Bubble tea is sinful. ~ @lorenzozanirato

    The anxious teacher tried all different positions to click the button. But the projector just wouldn’t turn on. ~ @firewillbeborn

    “I heard you like it rough. That’s my kind of lady,” he said as he pushed her down the bus.

    “I’d tap that,” he said to the tourist who didn’t know what to do with her ez-link card. ~ @mrbrown

    “Someday I’ll be on top,” thought the 2nd best student in class. ~ @Fake_PMLee

    “I’m coming, sir! I’m coming! Ahhhhh, I’m coming!” I shouted as I ran after the bus. ~ @LeticiaB

    Her eyes closed and she let out a purr of ecstasy as the warm white substance slid down her throat. “Best tauhuay ever.” ~ @saraannk

    He sat and his eyes studied the curves of her body intensely. Ah! His pupils widened. “Pregnant lady. I’ll have to give up my seat.” ~ @JayneRendomm

    “Wow, you’re so wet”, he said. “That rainstorm came out of nowhere” ~ @pdkitty

    “It vibrated loudly. She closed her eyes. Her teacher was coming and she knew what was next. Cellphone confiscated. ~ @SGteachersays

    Continue Reading "50 Shades of Singapore"

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  • Top Ten Things We Don’t Need

    July 19, 2012
    Top Ten Things We Don’t Need
    A friend of mine sent me a picture of a piano she saw and I was all “Nice piano,” until I looked a little closer and realized it was a VAGINA PIANO.

    Seriously, it’s a beautifully carved and painted piano, filled with vaginas.

    Why do we need this? I HAVE NO IDEA.

    It seems like lately I’ve been flooded with items that should never have been made, and ideas that make me wonder what is happening to the world. And now I’m going to share them with you because that way it’s like The Ring and those things will be pulled out of my mind forever. Much like the vagina piano.

    Ah. Better already.

    Continue Reading "Top Ten Things We Don’t Need"

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  • If Star Wars was remade, ala 50 Shades of Grey

    June 20, 2012
    If Star Wars was remade, ala 50 Shades of Grey
    Yesterday, I was watching Star Wars for the 8,000th time and I realized that with a little creative trimming and some strong imagination, Star Wars could make some pretty great erotica. Better than 50 Shades of Grey, at least.

    And so I went through IMDB and threw together some of my favorite quotes in an order that will make you see Star Wars anew for the first time.

    (Contains actual quotes, but not in their actual order.)

    Obi-Wan: [intervening for Luke] This little one's not worth the effort. Come, let me get you something.
    Obi-Wan: I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it.

    Obi-Wan: Hello there.
    [R2 beeps]
    Obi-Wan: Come here, my little friend. Don't be afraid.
    [R2 beeps a question]
    Obi-Wan: Oh don't worry, he'll be alright.

    C-3PO: We're doomed.

    C-3PO: I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.

    ********

    Luke: I've gotta get *home*, it's late, I'm in for it as it is!
    Obi-Wan: I need your help, Luke. She needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing.

    ********

    Greedo: That's the idea... I've been looking forward to this for a long time.
    Han Solo: Yeah, I'll bet you have.

    Han Solo: Sorry about the mess.

    ********

    Imperial Officer: Where are you taking this... thing?
    Gold Leader: *We're too close!*
    Gold Five: Stay on target!
    Deck officer: It's possible he came in through the south entrance.
    Gold Leader: [shouts] Loosen up!
    Gold Five: It came from... behind!

    ********

    Obi-Wan: Only passengers. Myself, the boy, two droids... and no questions asked.
    Han Solo: [chuckles] What is it? Some kind of local trouble?
    Obi-Wan: Let's just say we'd like to avoid any Imperial entanglements.

    ********

    Han Solo: She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.

    ********

    Princess Leia: I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.

    ********

    Luke: Boy, it's lucky you have these compartments.
    Han Solo: This is *not* gonna work.
    Luke: Why didn't you say so before?
    Han Solo: I *did* say so before.
    Luke: You've got something jammed in here real good.


    Han Solo: Get in there, you big furry oaf! I don't care what you smell!

    ********

    Princess Leia: You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.

    ********

    Princess Leia: It's not over yet.
    Han Solo: It is for *me*, sister.
    Princess Leia: That doesn't sound too hard.
    Han Solo: Don’t get cocky.

    ********

    Han Solo: Look, Your Worshipfulness, let's get one thing straight.
    Princess Leia: Put that thing away, you're gonna get us all killed!
    Han Solo: Absolutely, Your Worship. Look, I had everything under control until you led us down here! There's an awful lot of moisture in here.
    Princess Leia: It could be worse.
    Han Solo: It's worse.
    Han Solo: And I thought they smelled bad on the OUTSIDE!
    Princess Leia: Will someone get this big walking carpet out of my way?
    Han Solo: I must've hit her pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that.

    ********

    Cockpit Biggs: Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?
    Luke: THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN.

    ********

    Han Solo: You're all clear, kid, now let's *blow* this thing and go home!

    Continue Reading "If Star Wars was remade, ala 50 Shades of Grey"

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  • Porn Typos

    May 24, 2012
    Porn Typos
    It’s important to use proper grammar and punctuation even in pornography. I’ve created some examples to show you why:

    Misplaced periods.

    She wasn’t ready, but she discovered her vagina was. Running and sweaty, she hailed a cab.

    She wasn’t ready, but she discovered her vagina was running and sweaty. She hailed a cab.

    Colon confusion:

    She took it in the bum and then walked strangely for several days.

    She took it in the colon and then died the next day from infection.

    Comma problems:

    He started fucking her, up against a wall.

    He started fucking her up, against a wall.

    Spelling issues:

    Sometimes you can’t tell if it’s a disease-ridden penis.

    Sometimes you can’t tell if it’s a deceased, ridden penis.

    Word confusion:

    But some things were for the greater good, and his penis was firmly stuck in the greater.

    But some things were just for the grater good, and his penis was firmly stuck in the grater.

    Vocabulary issues:

    He quietly exclaimed: “Your breasts are magnificent!”

    He whisper-shrieked, “Your jumblies are FANTASTIC!”

    Continue Reading "Porn Typos"

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