Sex and all things sexual

Last week I got an email from a girl wanting advice about what to do with “unruly vagina hair.”

Answer? I have no fucking idea. Honestly. I don’t know. What I do know is that every single one of my friends does something different and that they are all way too willing to share what they do with it.

Advice from my friends about what you should do with your pubic hair…

Laurie: “Brazilian. That’s the only way to go. But don’t eat beans before you go because when they wax your butthole you have to pull your legs up to your chest and you might fart on them. I know someone who farted on their waxer three times in a row. Once or twice is just careless, but the third time you’re totally doing it on purpose.”

Janet: “I don’t understand the bikini wax thing. You don’t get your legs waxed so why wax your vagina? Seems fetishy to me. I just shave. But then you have to keep it shaved or else you’ll itch like you have crabs and then you worry that you really have crabs. But I didn’t. I’ve never had crabs. Don’t use my real name, okay?”

Barbara: “I let mine grow naturally. I mean, eventually it stops growing on it’s own. It’s not like you find women with pubic hair so long that they have to put it up in a bun, right? If it got long enough that I had to use barrettes, though, I’d probably reconsider.”

Janine: “I’m a big fan of ’70s bush. I fluff it with a hair-pick and pretend it’s an afro. I’m really into multi-culturalism right now.“

Mary: “I once tried to burn it all off because hair burns so fast, but then my mom came home and she was like, “Why does it smell like burning hair? Did you burn your hair?!” and I told her, “Of course not!” but I was blushing and I’m pretty sure that she guessed that I tried to start a brush fire in my vagina. Mostly because I walked funny for a week until the skin healed. You shouldn’t set fire to your vagina.”

Shawnda: “Shears. For real. I used garden shears and cut off a piece of my labia. True story. It grew back, though. Apparently labias are like starfish. They regenerate. Or maybe it’s just my vagina. I might have a magical regenerating vagina. I don’t really know.”

Frank: I don’t have a vagina. I don’t even know why you’re asking me this.

These days you can’t walk outside without stumbling over people doing it on your back porch, but there are some reasons why having sex in exotic locations is not always a great idea.

On the beach

Pros: Seems romantic. There’s a drink named after it. Good place to clean up afterward.

Cons: Everyone else has cleaned up there, too. That’s where fish pee. Crabs. Two words: Vagina sand.


Under a tree

Pros: Fresh air. Romantic. No tan lines. Great place to role-play that werewolf fantasy.

Cons: Bird voyeurs. Actual werewolves.


In your childhood bedroom

Pros: The thrill of getting caught.

Cons: Actually getting caught. By the new owners. Who will charge you with trespassing. After they shoot you.


In space

Pros: You feel skinny because you’re weightless. No one can hear you scream.

Cons: The wet-spot is everywhere.


On the kitchen floor

Pros: I have no idea, but it’s in almost every porno I’ve ever seen so there must be one.

Cons: Everything.


On video

Pros: Everyone will see it (Including that hot guy you’ve been trying to seduce at the gym).

Cons: Everyone will see it (Including your mother).


In an active volcano:

Pros: You’ll both laugh about “how hot this is” and double entendres are fun.

Cons: You’ll die painfully.

Every so often I check out Cosmo since they’re kind of the pre-eminent sex column writers just to see if I can guess what the article is about just based on the title and my sex-columnist expertise alone. This week’s top column was entitled “The Six Worst Things You Can Say to a Guy” and I’m pretty sure I nailed this one.

The six worst things you can say to a guy (according to me):

1. “You have cancer. Of the penis.”

2. “Hey, sweetie. I burned down your house while you were out of town this weekend because I heard some girl on your answering machine and I thought you were cheating on me. I had no idea that was your sister until way later. Sorry.”

3. “Also, I may have stabbed your sister a few times. Then she killed your dog. By proxy. You know, because he was in the house when I set fire to it after she was provoking me to commit arson by accidentally making me think that you deserved it. She’s a terrible person. If anything, you should be thanking me.”

4. “Remember that night of heavy drinking when you had those 18 shots of whiskey in a row? Yeah. You’ve been in a coma for the last 73 years. Welcome to your catheter.”

5. “I don’t want to alarm you but all of your arms and legs have just fallen off.”

6. “I’m sorry, but your mother just died. Of hereditary penis cancer.”

**************

Okay, so I just went and checked Cosmo and none of their answers had to do with arson or penis cancer or dog murder. Which I think means I’m a terrible sex columnist or that the people of Cosmo just don’t have very good imaginations. I’m going with the second one.

Once again, I was flooded with bizarre links to crazy-ass shit from random strangers and caring friends and once again I’m sharing them with you. Because I’m a giver. You’re welcome, internet.

The top ten strangest things that people sent me this month:

1. “Bad dog”. Disturbing. Also? Kind of hysterical.

2. Oh, Amazon…is there anything you don’t have experts for? Because this isn’t really something you want to brag about.

3. The dark side just got sexier.

4. Never let it be said that I don’t make fun of the Democrats, too.

5. Sadly, my vagina’s only trained in classical ballet.

6. Well, that’s a very unfortunate fashion statement.

7. Ye Olde Sex Menu. Oh, the good old days…

8. Cleavage caddy. Because there’s nothing sexier than really lumpy boobies.

9. Two words that should never have been used together: Lego. Masturbator.

10. Zombie Harmony. Awesome.