Sex and all things sexual

Thoughts During Terrible Sex:

Why does it smell like hotdog water in here?

I should really dust that ceiling fan.

The only way this could get worse is if somebody I know dies right at this moment.

Is it even in?

This doesn't count.

Shit. I think I heard the remote slide behind the bed.

So If I Call Now, & Order One Gallon Of OxiClean, They'll Send Me A Free One Too? ONLY THREE EASY PAYMENTS OF 19.99??

Wow. You really think you are doing something, huh?

Should I call an ambulance? Is he having a seizure or is this normal.

Maybe I should go back to my ex.

I’m getting humped on the leg by your dog. He’s doing it better than you.

WHY ARE YOU SMILING?

Oh, right. THIS is why I prefer girls.

I can’t believe I'm letting someone beat me at "Words With Friends" for this.

That’s it. I'm going to have to unfollow him after this.

I could have done this by myself better.

STOP MAKING THAT STUPID NOISE.

I wonder where Beyonce stores all her wigs?

There's no way I'm paying for this.

I should have gone home with a burger instead.

Phone ring. Come on, phone ring.

I could SO be playing Call of Duty right now.

I need an excuse to stop this. I got it!" - "Ummm, hold on, baby... I gotta tie my shoe."

Her boobs look like old socks with more old socks balled up in ‘em. That’s too many socks.

My high is officially blown.

I wonder if I could pretend to have an asthma attack. I’m not a good actor.

Maybe I should fake a cramp...

I really took being the wingman too far.

If tell her to get on top maybe I can take a nap.

What in the hell are you doing?

Whoa. There’s like 15 cats staring at us.

Would it be awkward if I turned on the tv?

If I was a wizard I could just apparate out of here.

Might as well tweet this.

Aren’t we done yet?

I didn’t even know it was possible to fuck up a blow job that much. Wow. That’s sort of impressive.

Ashton Kutcher is about to jump out this vagina. BECAUSE CLEARLY I'M BEING PUNK'D.

I hope she doesn’t think I’m screaming because it’s good.

Is she chewing? Oh no, it's fine. Her dentures have worked their way loose.

I should’ve had a V-8.

Except that I have nothing to wear.

Technically that’s not true. I’m a bit of a costume and hat collector, so I do have quite a few pieces I could throw together, but the problem is that none of my options seems just right for an 1800’s hoe-down. Mostly because it’s hard to look hot at a hoe-down. In spite of the presence of hoes. Technically most of the people there will probably be wearing simple boots and t-shirts (and my granny will be wearing the latest JCPenneys look) but my sister and I feel that as the hostesses it’s incumbent on us that we (and our kids) are dressed in full-out prairie style. The kids are set because my sister can sew bonnets and prairie dresses like a mofo, but the complicated seams of a truly authentic Victorian-esque dress is a bit beyond her.

So today I went through my costume closet and found two options, complete with backstories.

1. THE World Champion Masturbator. No shit, y’all.

2. Glowing, flashing, musical condoms shaped like animals. We’ve gone too far.

3. Because who doesn’t want to wrap their child up in a vagina?

4. Awkward phone sex.

5. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing sexual in this, but several people have sent it to me for this column. It’s disconcerting. And awesome.

6. “Classic” Tampon Crafts.

7. Um…no.

8. The Great Wall of Vagina. (Probably not really safe for work.)

9. Banana Candle. If you read nothing else, read this.

So apparently the newest thing in vaginas is alarm clocks.

Go back. Read that again.

Vaginal. Alarm clock.

I’ll admit, at first it sounds intriguing…a vibrating alarm clock shoved up your lady parts. Who wouldn’t want that? Answer: Any sane woman.

And here’s why.

1. It looks like a turkey thermometer.

2. I hardly ever remember to set my alarm, much less set it, clean it, and insert it in my vagina.

3. Who wants to own an alarm clock that’s been in a vagina?

4. You probably aren't the only one in the house who needs to wake up. What about when it’s your day off but your husband needs to wake up at 5am? I don’t even want to imagine that discussion.

5. There’s a clock in it. “Honey, what time is it?” “Oh hold on. LET ME CHECK MY VAGINA.” No.

And truthfully, all of those reasons are really more my opinion than fact, but here’s a real concern: When I was a kid, my mom woke me up every morning by singing Doris Day songs. As a result, I now can’t hear Doris Day without wanting to yell “BITCH, STOP SINGING AND LET ME SLEEP.” Imagine that same scenario, except instead of hating Doris Day you learn to hate orgasms. Could it happen? I have no idea. I’m not a Sleep Scientist.

My guess is “Maybe.”