Next month, I get the "privilege" of going back "home" - to my mom's home - in Northern Maine...and clean out her apartment. The time has finally come when she needs to go someplace where she can get more care - and as the only child - the responsibility falls to me to go up and clean out her apartment and bring her cat home to live with us.
I have mixed emotions about it. My mom has Alzheimer's. She's only had the diagnosis for 2 years but I suspected it 8 years ago. At times she's been more needy and dependent upon me and at other times her abuse and harsh words have come more frequently. I've been told to kiss her ass and that she regrets that I was ever born. She regrets adopting me. She thinks I killed her cat even though I was 3,000 miles away.
Alzheimer's is a terrible thing to face - because bit by bit you lose the person you love as you watch them come apart -even if you live thousands of miles away. Someone once described it as having a radio station that you love to listen to but suddenly, the reception starts to become very staticy and you lose reception. There are days when you can hear that station clearly...and other days when you might hear one or two notes from a favorite song amidst a bunch of noise that makes no sense at all. You long for the days when the static is gone and your favorite music is there again and you don't change the channel for fear of losing it completely.
Since coming to Eden Fantasys a few months ago, I've learned that the channel I listened to all those years ago - that taught me to embrace shame and judgment - was not the one I should have listened to. Still yet, I've held onto it - like a "golden oldie" because I was scared to switch the station and lose that which was known and comfortable. I've been working hard at it and doing quite well.
But now that I have to go home next month and see her once again, I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll accept that station as "normal" again. I'm scared I'll embrace shame once more and hold it close.
Cleaning out her apartment will bring back many memories - like the sheets I stained by masturbating and she never let me forget it. Yes, they're 40 years old now and she still has them and uses them and never lets me forget that I ruined them.
I think I'm going to burn those sheets.
I keep trying to think of a way to end this - to make this a good story instead of just an entry where I want to sit down and cry.
But perhaps - crying is what I need. Perhaps I need this trip home now - to clean out the cobwebs of those memories which have cluttered my mind. Then I can return home a new woman - ready to embrace the rest of my life and more forward - shame free.
All I know is - it is definitely time to change the station and stop trying to listen to what she has to say to me. Fortunately, it won't be long until she doesn't remember me - and that will make my life easier. Sounds horrible - but oh so true.
I have mixed emotions about it. My mom has Alzheimer's. She's only had the diagnosis for 2 years but I suspected it 8 years ago. At times she's been more needy and dependent upon me and at other times her abuse and harsh words have come more frequently. I've been told to kiss her ass and that she regrets that I was ever born. She regrets adopting me. She thinks I killed her cat even though I was 3,000 miles away.
Alzheimer's is a terrible thing to face - because bit by bit you lose the person you love as you watch them come apart -even if you live thousands of miles away. Someone once described it as having a radio station that you love to listen to but suddenly, the reception starts to become very staticy and you lose reception. There are days when you can hear that station clearly...and other days when you might hear one or two notes from a favorite song amidst a bunch of noise that makes no sense at all. You long for the days when the static is gone and your favorite music is there again and you don't change the channel for fear of losing it completely.
Since coming to Eden Fantasys a few months ago, I've learned that the channel I listened to all those years ago - that taught me to embrace shame and judgment - was not the one I should have listened to. Still yet, I've held onto it - like a "golden oldie" because I was scared to switch the station and lose that which was known and comfortable. I've been working hard at it and doing quite well.
But now that I have to go home next month and see her once again, I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll accept that station as "normal" again. I'm scared I'll embrace shame once more and hold it close.
Cleaning out her apartment will bring back many memories - like the sheets I stained by masturbating and she never let me forget it. Yes, they're 40 years old now and she still has them and uses them and never lets me forget that I ruined them.
I think I'm going to burn those sheets.
I keep trying to think of a way to end this - to make this a good story instead of just an entry where I want to sit down and cry.
But perhaps - crying is what I need. Perhaps I need this trip home now - to clean out the cobwebs of those memories which have cluttered my mind. Then I can return home a new woman - ready to embrace the rest of my life and more forward - shame free.
All I know is - it is definitely time to change the station and stop trying to listen to what she has to say to me. Fortunately, it won't be long until she doesn't remember me - and that will make my life easier. Sounds horrible - but oh so true.
