I have encountered many poorly designed adult toys in my time but, to date, this is the absolute worst. In order to address all that is wrong with the Blush UR3 anal starter probe by Doc Johnson, let's take the product description, point for point

“Start your anal exploration with a new comfortable tool by Doc Johnson.”

Well, that was exactly the point. Being fairly experienced with anal sex, my then girlfriend (now wife), wanted to experiment and see what I liked about it so much; as she had never tried it before. So here I am thinking that we should go out and get her a toy that would be unthreatening, and made of hygienic materials. We go into a neighborhood porn store and check out their selection.

Many of the plugs of coarse were rather intimidating, but then we found this little guy. It looked manageable enough in the package, even pressed against the packaging to see how soft it was. It was even a company ‘name’ brand we recognized. So we bought it and were feeling rather excited and good about ourselves as we were going to try something new together.

“The Blush UR3 anal starter delivers to you realistic sensations and a lot more in a the package that will arouse you just by its looks.”

This is the beginning of a major fail. The only thing ‘realistic’ about this toy is perhaps its generalized phallic shape, which once out of the box, happens to be flaccid. Let me explain. I've blown snot out of my nose with more density then this toy! In hand, it goes completely slack and squishy. Though undeterred by the limp cock (after all, it's ‘realistic’), I bent my girlfriend over and massaged her ass-cheaks to get her to relax and feel comfortable before attempting to ease it in.

“The 6" long dong is shaped like a real cock, and has a flared base that prevents the toy from getting too deep inside.”

Did I say, ease it in? That sort of consideration for your partner will get you no where with this toy! Because of the squishy nature of the material "Ultra realistic 3.0" (UR3), which is comprised of thermal plastic elastomer (mixture of PVC and silicone), I had to force the material, pushing it in, millimeter by millimeter. I would have had better luck with an over-ripe banana. Seriously, this should be giving you a clue. I manage to get it in a whole inch before my girlfriend asks, "is it in, yet"? By now I am completely embarrassed, and so is she - not exactly a positive first time anal experience.

So I tell her that I'm just going to take it out and use my pinky finger on her instead, but oh no, the anal probe doesn't want to relinquish its one and only chance to be used. I pull on the flared base (as it certainly didn't serve any purpose as a ‘stopper’ for us, it would have probably taken an hour to get that far), and instead of just popping out, the material stretches like elastic (think, Silly Putty - you know, that soft material that can stretch for a long time before breaking). After stretching it to twice its length, it finally came out.

“The UR3 material gives you the most realistic sensations of skin and flesh so you’ll feel a real cock crawling up your backdoor.”

And there is that word again, ‘realistic’. I've never seen a translucent cock. Nor one that stretches out like a rubber band. Much less one so completely flaccid it is incapable of penetration. Disappointed we tossed it aside and decided to have fun on our own, without the use of the toy. Little did we know, it wasn't over just yet.

As when I went to retrieve it for disposal, I found it had melted! It had been placed on a marble end table, and the side which impacted the marble, had melted. It was now square sided on one side, and yet still retained its general shape on the other. Upon further investigation, I also discovered that it had "swallowed" bits of dirt and dust that had been on the end table. The melted material absorbed dust and was now inside the toy. I was like looking at splinters under the skin. Finding this unnaturally bizarre and clearly unhygienic, the Blush UR3 found its way into the trash bin; never to be used again.