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The Bloggess: (Don’t) make your own sex toys

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Wow. Just…wow.

  Family craft night

Let me just clarify here that this is a real, serious book, y’all. That you can buy.

And it’s all about how to use your bad-ass crochet/hot-glue skills to make stuff like home-made gimp masks and “strap-on salamis”.

Or? Carving a penis out of another penis you aren’t using. I don’t know. It’s hard to tell exactly what’s going on in that picture.

Unlike this picture, which is violently clear:

Yeah. I’m pretty sure that’s Jesus. The actual picture from the book has full frontal nudity but I added the rooster because I’m pretty sure that you go to hell for posting a picture of naked Jesus on the internet this close to Christmas, even if you are only posting it to say “No. Don’t do this.” Also, worth noting: Jesus was circumcised. Apparently.

I’d spend more time discussing this book here but (thank God) a few customers already spent time testing these projects and reviewing them for me. Which is awesome because I can just share their reviews with you and spend this extra time scratching my eyes out with a pen and never looking at hot glue guns the same way again.

Want to buy the book? No. No, you don’t.


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Contributor: minivanlibertine

One of my friends knows EXACTLY how to make his own sex toy Smile


Contributor: Rodney Lacroix
Rodney Lacroix  

Had I known this before I'd attempted the inflatable doll, the whole 'biodegradable styrofoam container' incident could have been completely avoided. It's taken YEARS for that skin to grow back.

Contributor: Bridget Pilloud
Bridget Pilloud  

I am crying now. Crying with laughter at the nice tips the reviewers left.

Since Jesus could make live birds out of clay, he wouldn't really need to buy this book would he? Maybe he could get royalties, though.

Contributor: Valerie Fore
Valerie Fore  

When I was about 19 or 20, I worked in the mall with a group of guys that I became close friends with. One night, I had them over to play Texas Hold 'em. They arrived one or two at a time and each time someone turned up, they felt the need to ask if I used sticks of butter or a tub. when I told them I used sticks, they all nodded and dropped the subject. After the fifth person asked me that, I demanded to know what was going on. It seemed that one of the guys had a tendency to... uh... "love" himself with the tub of butter, and then put it back in the fridge.

I think he may have written this book.

Contributor: mousebert

That's one big cock - but as roosters go, it is on the small size.

Contributor: realmountainvalues

Of course Jesus was circumcised. He was Jewish. Smile

Contributor: realmountainvalues

Of course Jesus was circumcised. He was Jewish. Smile

Contributor: handatlker

I haven't last so hard in a ling time! That last customer comment? Cracked me UP!

Contributor: Serafina Brightside

You can make sex toy dildos from condoms. Like, if you stuff fabric in one, or sand, or rocks or whatever. But it's weird. It doesn't work. I looked it up on the internet, because toys are so expensive, but it's totally worth it to just buy a good dildo with your savings.

Contributor: Lavendar Menace


Contributor: zeebot

Ahahahahahhaha whyyyy

Contributor: Red Riding Hood

Christ fetish here. Remove that rooster! (I kid I kid)

Contributor: fletchy


Contributor: iwantyouwantingme

Oh my Morgan Freeman, I REALLY REALLY hope the last reviewer of this book does NOT have a pet. It is wrong to try your new homemade toys on poor little sparky to make sure they are safe for your own use. Animal Abuse. I'm contacting pita, Save Sparky!