These days you can’t walk outside without stumbling over people doing it on your back porch, but there are some reasons why having sex in exotic locations is not always a great idea.
On the beach
Pros: Seems romantic. There’s a drink named after it. Good place to clean up afterward.
Cons: Everyone else has cleaned up there, too. That’s where fish pee. Crabs. Two words: Vagina sand.
Under a tree
Pros: Fresh air. Romantic. No tan lines. Great place to role-play that werewolf fantasy.
Cons: Bird voyeurs. Actual werewolves.
In your childhood bedroom
Pros: The thrill of getting caught.
Cons: Actually getting caught. By the new owners. Who will charge you with trespassing. After they shoot you.
In space
Pros: You feel skinny because you’re weightless. No one can hear you scream.
Cons: The wet-spot is everywhere.
On the kitchen floor
Pros: I have no idea, but it’s in almost every porno I’ve ever seen so there must be one.
Cons: Everything.
On video
Pros: Everyone will see it (Including that hot guy you’ve been trying to seduce at the gym).
Cons: Everyone will see it (Including your mother).
In an active volcano:
Pros: You’ll both laugh about “how hot this is” and double entendres are fun.
Cons: You’ll die painfully.
On the beach
Pros: Seems romantic. There’s a drink named after it. Good place to clean up afterward.
Cons: Everyone else has cleaned up there, too. That’s where fish pee. Crabs. Two words: Vagina sand.
Under a tree
Pros: Fresh air. Romantic. No tan lines. Great place to role-play that werewolf fantasy.
Cons: Bird voyeurs. Actual werewolves.
In your childhood bedroom
Pros: The thrill of getting caught.
Cons: Actually getting caught. By the new owners. Who will charge you with trespassing. After they shoot you.
In space
Pros: You feel skinny because you’re weightless. No one can hear you scream.
Cons: The wet-spot is everywhere.
On the kitchen floor
Pros: I have no idea, but it’s in almost every porno I’ve ever seen so there must be one.
Cons: Everything.
On video
Pros: Everyone will see it (Including that hot guy you’ve been trying to seduce at the gym).
Cons: Everyone will see it (Including your mother).
In an active volcano:
Pros: You’ll both laugh about “how hot this is” and double entendres are fun.
Cons: You’ll die painfully.
You have no idea how right you are about the kitchen floor. I'm pretty sure if baby jesus had wanted the small of my back to be a suction cup he would have made the shit out of plastic and put a little hook on the back of it to hang towels or stained glass window tchochkes from or whatever it is that people do with suction cups.
Did you know all of these horrifying things about vagina: [https://www.asylum.com/2010/07/14/5-horrifying-things-you-didnt-know-about-the-vagina/]
That was hilarious. Thanks for a good laugh!
This is an awesome article! I needed a good chuckle.
From UrbanDictionary: Sandy Vagina: "a 'man' who complains like a woman with sand in her vagina."
The best line: 'Cons: The wet spot is everywhere.'
GENIUS that you thought of this. But also a little disturbing.
Another con to "Under A Tree"... I have two words; Poison Oak.
Noo, not speaking from personal experience... (I still have the scars!!!)
You totally just ruined my active volcano fantasy... thanks for that