Last week, I shared with you the worst sex advice ever (for men), but guys aren’t the only offenders. This one’s for you, ladies.
The Worst Sex Advice Ever (For Women)
1. When he initiates sex, laugh like he’s just made a hilarious joke. Then walk off still giggling. That way, he knows you think he has a good sense of humor.
2. Don’t neglect his ball-sack. A good hand-job should never avoid a thorough and routine check for ball cancer. You should always pretend to find some sort of a lump. That way, he knows you aren’t just phoning it in.
3. Nickname his genitals something adorable: like “Little Weezy” or “Mrs. Potato-Head.” It’s also a good idea to name his balls. I suggest “Larry, Curly and Lumpy.”
4. After sex, immediately jump into the shower and scrub yourself vigorously with steel-wool. Mutter, “Unclean…unclean,” to yourself until you feel fully invigorated. He’ll appreciate your good hygiene.
5. After sex, give him some helpful tips, like: “It really doesn’t have to go on that long,” or “It’s hard to pretend you’re Rebecca when you don’t shave your beard.”
6. Insult all of his friends. Except for the ones that you point out that you’ve already had a three-way with. That way he knows you won’t stray because you’ve already done everyone worth doing.
7. Instead of “sex” say “love-making session.” Over and over and over. Other words he probably enjoys: moist, panties, irregardless, liberry, rectal tear.
8. If he’s uncircumcised, tell him that you think his penis is cute. Like a tiny little tube of lipstick. If he’s circumcised, assure him that you think it’s perfectly fine that he’s missing so much of his penis because you’ve had enough big penises to last a lifetime. Go into detail.
9. Never ever do anything different in bed. If you try a new position, he’ll assume that you learned it on the street.
10. During sex, stop suddenly and say, “You’re thinking about my sister, aren’t you?” Then refuse to talk to him until he apologizes. That way you can have make-up sex. Grudgingly. But then do the same thing during make-up sex. That way you can have make-up make-up sex. Never stop this cycle.
The Worst Sex Advice Ever (For Women)
1. When he initiates sex, laugh like he’s just made a hilarious joke. Then walk off still giggling. That way, he knows you think he has a good sense of humor.
2. Don’t neglect his ball-sack. A good hand-job should never avoid a thorough and routine check for ball cancer. You should always pretend to find some sort of a lump. That way, he knows you aren’t just phoning it in.
3. Nickname his genitals something adorable: like “Little Weezy” or “Mrs. Potato-Head.” It’s also a good idea to name his balls. I suggest “Larry, Curly and Lumpy.”
4. After sex, immediately jump into the shower and scrub yourself vigorously with steel-wool. Mutter, “Unclean…unclean,” to yourself until you feel fully invigorated. He’ll appreciate your good hygiene.
5. After sex, give him some helpful tips, like: “It really doesn’t have to go on that long,” or “It’s hard to pretend you’re Rebecca when you don’t shave your beard.”
6. Insult all of his friends. Except for the ones that you point out that you’ve already had a three-way with. That way he knows you won’t stray because you’ve already done everyone worth doing.
7. Instead of “sex” say “love-making session.” Over and over and over. Other words he probably enjoys: moist, panties, irregardless, liberry, rectal tear.
8. If he’s uncircumcised, tell him that you think his penis is cute. Like a tiny little tube of lipstick. If he’s circumcised, assure him that you think it’s perfectly fine that he’s missing so much of his penis because you’ve had enough big penises to last a lifetime. Go into detail.
9. Never ever do anything different in bed. If you try a new position, he’ll assume that you learned it on the street.
10. During sex, stop suddenly and say, “You’re thinking about my sister, aren’t you?” Then refuse to talk to him until he apologizes. That way you can have make-up sex. Grudgingly. But then do the same thing during make-up sex. That way you can have make-up make-up sex. Never stop this cycle.
I especially like #5.. hillarious
Oh fuck these are horrible. LMAO
This is absolutely fucking hilarious.
Fantastic. I'll never have sex again, but still, fantastic.
This is all bad advice? So THAT is where I have been going wrong.
If I could make just one suggestion: Always refer to sex as "having union with one another". Huge turn on for men. Huge.
He probably does enjoy the word 'panties'. I've never heard a guy complain about it. Even 'moist' is improved by the addition of 'panties'.
oh my! i haven't laughed so hard in forever!
Oh, I suck - literally - because I violate both 2 and 7! For 2, per advice from a male friend, I play with the sack, especially under the sack, with gentle tickling and licking. For 7, I could be tempted to text him in the middle of a business meeting with something like, I get so warm and moist whenever I see you that I cannot keep clean panties, so I have given up on panties completely. It's still a bit messy, irregardless.
LOL!
This is an incredible way to keep that entirely unstable man in your life who is likely to kill you in the middle of the night because the dog told him too. But hey at least you will be clean Love it!