Humor-Satire: An open letter to husbands and boyfriends about the guys we (surprisingly) DO and DON’T want to have sex with; Guys you assume we want to have sex with but actually we totally don’t:.

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An open letter to husbands and boyfriends about the guys we (surprisingly) DO and DON’T want to have sex with

May 14, 2009
An open letter to husbands and boyfriends about the guys we (surprisingly) DO and DON’T want to have sex with
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This week, the Bloggess makes us hip to all the celebs that women want to get down with...that the guys didn’t know about.

An open letter to husbands and boyfriends about the guys we (surprisingly) DO and DON’T want to have sex with

Guys you would never suspect we want to have sex with but we’d totally do:
• Eddie Izzard in full drag
• Alan Rickman
• Dwight Schrute
• Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka
• Steve Buscemi
• Benicio Del Toro
• John C. Reilly
• The deformed guy from Mask because he was nice and also he seems like he’d be really grateful
• Captain Jack Sparrow
• Sam Elliot, but only if he’s talking to us
• Chris Rock, but only if he’s *not* talking to us
• Prince, even though he’s technically smaller than us
• Gary Oldman
• Adrien Brody
• Phillip Seymour Hoffman
• Both of the lead guys on Shawn of the Dead (but not at the same time)
• New Spock
• Schroeder from Peanuts
• Neil Gaiman
• Our best male friend at work whom you assume is gay but actually isn’t
• That limpy doctor on House. I think his name is “House”. And his cane.
• David Bowie when he was in Labyrinth
• Will Ferrell
• Paul Rudd
• Will Ferrell and Paul Rudd at the same time while the limpy doctor from House watches
• Your brother

  Guys you assume we want to have sex with but actually we totally don’t:

• Tom Cruise
• Fabio
• Ashton Kutcher
• Our second best male friend at work who actually *is* gay but you don’t believe us
• The guy at the gym whose neck is larger than his head and he can’t put his arms down
• Carrot Top (I don’t even know why I need to clarify this)
• That same secretary at my job that you think is hot, and yeah, I know she’s not a dude but I’ve seen you ogle her and trust me, I could tap that. You couldn’t.
• That’s not a dare, by the way.
• Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka
• Your other brother

PS. Yes, I’m aware that the list of people I’d do is longer than the list of people I wouldn’t do but that doesn’t mean I’m a whore. It means I’m *agreeable*.

PPS. I know I promised you something even more disturbing than clown porn this week but it was so completely fucked up that I can’t even convey it without using my hands so I’m going to have to do a video. An amateur video RE: disturbing porn. For a sex site.

This is all going on my resume.


But what do you think, America? The Bloggess wants to know who YOU would most want to have sex with--vote now!

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Comments
James Rothenburg (verified)

I'm a guy and I wasn't surprised once by your list Captain Obvious. Carrot Top? Really?

1 month ago
RobinJoker (verified)

What about Johnny Depp as Ed Wood? I'm into that flashing smile and okay with the angora sweaters. He has to bring his own though, I don't have any angora.

1 week ago

Forum

Discussion Last Post Category
The Bloggess’ new column post is up! So , um, who would you do? [6] Feb.05, 2010 Related To: An open letter to husbands and boyfriends about the guys we (surprisingly) DO and DON’T want to have sex with Sexis Suggestions
Carrot Top? [38] May.17, 2009 Related To: An open letter to husbands and boyfriends about the guys we (surprisingly) DO and DON’T want to have sex with Sexis Suggestions
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Author

The Bloggess
The Bloggess
Sex is funny. Except clown sex. That’s fucking terrifying.
Jenny is that weird girl at your school that you never talked to and you wondered what happened to her and turns out she’s still weird and writes a series of blogs and columns about ninjas and sasquatches and porn. You can find her at thebloggess.com and she also has a horrible advice column on PNN.com. She’s odd and we wonder how she managed to live this long.

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Interviews with The Bloggess

  • Most people know Jenny as The Bloggess, a prolific writer with a sense of humor and style that many are scrambling to imitate. How does a woman who hides in the bathroom at most blogger conferences and muses on clown porn get to be an online sensation?

    Jenny is a columnist, blogger, mom and comedian. Her personal blog, [http://thebloggess.com/|thebloggess.com], is extremely popular and has developed a cult following, according to Marie Claire Magazine. She’s been a regular contributor to the online Houston Chronicle since 2006 and also writes a popular advice column for PNN and a satirical sex column for [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/columns/the-bloggess/|SexIs Magazine]. Jenny has been the keynote speaker at major conferences, as well as featured on countless sites including Salon.com and MSNBC; and Gawker once referred to her as an "interesting psycho". She prefers the term "creative visionary". Jenny suggests you ask her about how she gets her hair so shiny, or what’s wrong with her. But we know that’s a wig, and there’s nothing wrong with Jenny – she created a pitch perfect style that grabs readers, and keeps them. Whether inadvertently mobilizing the Bloggess Army, going to [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/bloggess-does-japan4-110691/|Japan] on a sex culture / geisha mission of sorts, interviewing [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/bloggess-nina-hartley-best-friend-0204101/|porn stars], giving sex advice, or relating the hilarious arguments she has with [http://thebloggess.com/?p=5168|her husband], The Bloggess has us hooked. Join us in learning more about this unpredictable funny lady.

     Read full interview

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