Humor » Satire; Sex & Society » Movies, Women: "An open letter to husbands and boyfriends about the guys we (surprisingly) DO and DON’T want to have sex with"

EdenFantasys Store

An open letter to husbands and boyfriends about the guys we (surprisingly) DO and DON’T want to have sex with

An open letter to husbands and boyfriends about the guys we (surprisingly) DO and DON’T want to have sex with
  •    
  • Print
  • E-mail
This week, the Bloggess makes us hip to all the celebs that women want to get down with...that the guys didn't know about.

  Guys you assume we want to have sex with but actually we totally don’t:

• Tom Cruise
• Fabio
• Ashton Kutcher
• Our second best male friend at work who actually *is* gay but you don’t believe us
• The guy at the gym whose neck is larger than his head and he can’t put his arms down
• Carrot Top (I don’t even know why I need to clarify this)
• That same secretary at my job that you think is hot, and yeah, I know she’s not a dude but I’ve seen you ogle her and trust me, I could tap that. You couldn’t.
• That’s not a dare, by the way.
• Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka
• Your other brother

PS. Yes, I’m aware that the list of people I’d do is longer than the list of people I wouldn’t do but that doesn’t mean I’m a whore. It means I’m *agreeable*.

PPS. I know I promised you something even more disturbing than clown porn this week but it was so completely fucked up that I can’t even convey it without using my hands so I’m going to have to do a video. An amateur video RE: disturbing porn. For a sex site.

This is all going on my resume.


But what do you think, America? The Bloggess wants to know who YOU would most want to have sex with--vote now!

Our Top Stories Being Recommended on Facebook

Comments

James Rothenburg  

I'm a guy and I wasn't surprised once by your list Captain Obvious. Carrot Top? Really?

02/05/2010
RobinJoker  

What about Johnny Depp as Ed Wood? I'm into that flashing smile and okay with the angora sweaters. He has to bring his own though, I don't have any angora.

03/07/2010

This was a very funny post and i enjoyed it.

04/22/2010
Foggy  

Okay, I know this blog was posted, like, a year ago, but I just found you, so, dammit, I'm gonna chime in! A. I LOVE your blog! B. So glad I'm not alone in my weird attraction to Alan Rickman and Gary Oldman. C. One more to add: the Cancer Man from X-Files. Really. Didja see the episode that was all about him, sitting, smoking...? lots of closeups as he took a drag on the cigarette? He has really sexy lips. That's all I'm gonna say. I've embarrassed myself enough already....

04/27/2010
oh_nono  

your top two, TOTALLY in my top 5...but alan rickman would NEED to be talking whilest he was screwing me.

05/06/2010
MissLily  

HEY! You have STOLEN my To Do List!!! Really, I thought I was the only one with this list of those people.

05/21/2010
Jane Doe  

I know this is kinda old. But still.. New Spock. Fuck yes.
I thought I was some kind of freak that I thought so, but now that the coolest lady in the world agrees, it must be true!

10/06/2010

I have no desire for anyone on the list. Not even a little. Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson. They would be on my lamenated "top 5 list" of celebrities I'd jump if I had the chance

10/07/2010

I would never ever do Vin Diesel. Jack Sparrow, mmmm.

10/14/2010
Lindz86  

I began reading all your blogs 3 days ago..and I'm already at the beginning...I LOVE YOU!
And I ESPECIALLY LOVE how you mentioned David Bowie in Labyrinth...
I've pretty much been wanting to tap that since I was 7 lol

11/24/2010
Rhiannon  

David Bowie in Labyrinth...TOTALLY. I don't know how many other women feel this way, but I've had dreams and visions of the Goblin King since...um, I don't know since when. Forever, I guess! That was my favorite movie when I was a kid, but when I got older, it took on a whole new meaning for me...

12/17/2010
Marieke  

1) Abraham Lincoln
2) Beethoven
3) Buster Keaton
4) Ralph Fiennes

NO: Guy Pierce. That guy is ridiculous.

02/08/2011
Linga  

I totally wanna do Johnny Depp s Willy Wonka! Those squeaky purple rubber gloves get me going!

02/28/2011

I masturbated to the Goblin King during pre-adolescence. He still turns me on.

08/22/2011

Steve Buscemi? really?

02/11/2012

Woot David Bowie, Gene Wilder, Captain Jack Sparrow and V. At what poitn of prince caree because he was icky a few times. Awww but Richard the old spock when he was young was alwasy my fav. 8goes to look up this "new spock". I don't recognize alot of the names.

05/06/2012

Zachary Quinto FAIL!!! bad spock bad T_T he only looks good with a bread shadow. How ever I do enjoy his other shows.

05/06/2012

Forum

Discussion Last Post Category
The Bloggess' new column post is up! So , um, who would you do? [6] Feb.05, 2010
Carrot Top? [38] May.17, 2009
advertisement

Interviews with The Bloggess

  • Most people know Jenny as The Bloggess, a prolific writer with a sense of humor and style that many are scrambling to imitate. How does a woman who hides in the bathroom at most blogger conferences and muses on clown porn get to be an online sensation?

    Jenny is a columnist, blogger, mom and comedian. Her personal blog, [http://thebloggess.com/|thebloggess.com], is extremely popular and has developed a cult following, according to Marie Claire Magazine. She’s been a regular contributor to the online Houston Chronicle since 2006 and also writes a popular advice column for PNN and a satirical sex column for [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/columns/the-bloggess/|SexIs Magazine]. Jenny has been the keynote speaker at major conferences, as well as featured on countless sites including Salon.com and MSNBC; and Gawker once referred to her as an "interesting psycho". She prefers the term "creative visionary". Jenny suggests you ask her about how she gets her hair so shiny, or what’s wrong with her. But we know that’s a wig, and there’s nothing wrong with Jenny – she created a pitch perfect style that grabs readers, and keeps them. Whether inadvertently mobilizing the Bloggess Army, going to [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/bloggess-does-japan4-110691/|Japan] on a sex culture / geisha mission of sorts, interviewing [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/bloggess-nina-hartley-best-friend-0204101/|porn stars], giving sex advice, or relating the hilarious arguments she has with [http://thebloggess.com/?p=5168|her husband], The Bloggess has us hooked. Join us in learning more about this unpredictable funny lady.

     Read full interview

What's Hot

Sexis in your inbox

Keep up on new articles, projects, columns and more