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The Bloggess: Things you should never say on a first date.

The Bloggess: Things you should never say on a first date.
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Or ever, really.

  Fucked-up statements that soured a first date, according to people on twitter:

I don't see any problem with R. Kelly peeing on that girl. Shit, I pee on girls now & then.

You ever have a yeast infection? I'm allergic to those.

Roll down your window... Why? I just pooted.

My last girlfriend said my semen was too salty but when I taste it seems fine.

You look uncomfortable. Does that mean you're on your period?

My ex said she liked the dress you had on before I came over so we need to be aware. She's out here somewhere.

It's just nice to be out with someone who's not my mom.

It's only gonorrhea.

We might have to end this early. The last bus back to my neighbor hood is at 8:00.

I don't have a job but that doesn't mean I don't have a steady income...I mean, I do get disability so…

You looked better on Facebook.

So....I hope you like kids. I have seven. I'm very fertile.

My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

I keep the good girls tied up in the attic and the bad ones in the cage in my basement. Which one are you?

I’ve grown in the past few years. Before I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.

If I knew it was gonna take this long to be seated I could’ve taken a shower.

I'm not a Dr. or anything...but your boobs look really unhealthy.

I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem, but the last couple of weeks I seem to have got it under control.

This is my mama’s car but I can get it whenever I want.

This was my ex’s favorite restaurant

Whoa. Cool alley.

I know I just met you but I think I am in love. No, seriously.

Those aren’t real, are they?

I don’t usually smell like this.

No, it's fine. I'm sick of guys with big dicks anyway. All that pleasure...it gets tiresome.

Finally I'm going out with somebody. My arm was starting to hurt.

Hold my gun while I go to the bathroom

My magic watch says you aren't wearing any underwear.. You are? It must be 15 minutes fast..

Mcnuggets or Mcflurry? It’s one or the other. Not both.

Are you gay? I was just wondering.

Yeah, I'm able to go around elementary schools now.

How about we grab a burger and bang? What's wrong...you don't like burgers?

It's amazing how much those police artist sketches sometimes look like me.

Sorry I'm late. If anyone asks, I was here 15 minutes ago, okay?

Can you go to a funeral with me?

Did you let your daughter put your make up on?

Just updating my Twitter on how our date is going. What’s a shorter way to say “vaguely visible nipples”?

You remind me of my oldest son.

I mean, I plan on finishing high school one day.

Your camel-toe is talkin' to me...and I like what it's sayin'.

You look like my mom. That's cool.

Can you not talk so much? I have a low tolerance for tedious conversation.

I think Chris Brown did what he had to do...you know…in that situation.

Oh, the extra chair? It's for my extremely large cock.

Condoms are so 1995.

What? You’re too good to ride in a garbage truck?

Just so you know, I like toys during sex. Do you like G.I. Joes?

You Wanna See Where I Got Stabbed?

Don't worry. He's just here to watch.

I don't think my penis is small. Maybe you just have a very voluminous vagina.

You're not one of those folks who insists on STD tests before we sleep together, right?

I am really glad you came. My brother is at your house robbing your stuff.

I want you to be the mother of my current and future children.

You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites?

I have 11 bodies buried in my backyard and I HATE odd numbers...(wink wink, forceful grab).

Oh that? That's just my wedding ring.

So that picture of you online…exactly how long ago was that taken?

Is your friend single?

You know, you don’t really sweat much for an overweight person.

I'm pregnant.

You didn't catch last night's “To Catch a Predator” did you?

I have a Mantis in my Pantis.

I was looking at your crotch earlier.

Nice haircut! We used to do something like that with my mom's poodle.

"Oh that's just my cousin...can you roll up the windows & drive faster?"

You're out with a celebrity. You know that serial killer they’re looking for? Guess who it is??.. Haha. Yup.

Oh, you wanna go bowling? You ready to get your ass whooped? Seriously, I bowl a 300 EVERY Time.

We've had such a great relationship right? Remember when I picked you up 5 minutes ago? Ohh memories.

How are you going to be able to breastfeed our baby with nipple rings?

So are you paying for the bill..or....?

Excuse me again. My cat has to hear my voice on the machine every hour otherwise he gets upset.

That'll be $50, up front.

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Comments

Two of the worst I've heard are:

#1, My ex broke up with me because I hit her, but she really deserved it so I dunno what she was so pissed about.

#2. So how many dates do we have to go on before you'll fuck me?

12/10/2009

This is very funny. I had one guy brag about his very high sperm count on our first date. And personally I find a guy who's into golden showers a selling point. Winking

12/14/2009
Amanda Norris  

"You're like a female tank with amazing cannons!"

...he really said that.

12/16/2009
Shawna Ellen  

first date...upon returning to the table after using the restroom he says: do you ever just look and wonder... hummm when was the last time I ate corn ???

12/19/2009
Jul!a  

My favorite was the one with the magic watch, I'll have to use that one on my fiance one time. He'll appreciate it. In fact, he'll appreciate this entire article, which I will be leaving up for him to read. Then he'll laugh that I wrote this. You're probably laughing at me too. It's ok though. I'm laughing at me too.

03/10/2010

My fave: I have a Mantis in my Pantis.

02/23/2011

Just Wow. Seriously wow...

10/23/2011

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Discussion Last Post Category
What's the worst date line you've ever heard? *contest* [58] Nov.21, 2012
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Interviews with The Bloggess

  • Most people know Jenny as The Bloggess, a prolific writer with a sense of humor and style that many are scrambling to imitate. How does a woman who hides in the bathroom at most blogger conferences and muses on clown porn get to be an online sensation?

    Jenny is a columnist, blogger, mom and comedian. Her personal blog, [http://thebloggess.com/|thebloggess.com], is extremely popular and has developed a cult following, according to Marie Claire Magazine. She’s been a regular contributor to the online Houston Chronicle since 2006 and also writes a popular advice column for PNN and a satirical sex column for [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/columns/the-bloggess/|SexIs Magazine]. Jenny has been the keynote speaker at major conferences, as well as featured on countless sites including Salon.com and MSNBC; and Gawker once referred to her as an "interesting psycho". She prefers the term "creative visionary". Jenny suggests you ask her about how she gets her hair so shiny, or what’s wrong with her. But we know that’s a wig, and there’s nothing wrong with Jenny – she created a pitch perfect style that grabs readers, and keeps them. Whether inadvertently mobilizing the Bloggess Army, going to [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/bloggess-does-japan4-110691/|Japan] on a sex culture / geisha mission of sorts, interviewing [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/bloggess-nina-hartley-best-friend-0204101/|porn stars], giving sex advice, or relating the hilarious arguments she has with [http://thebloggess.com/?p=5168|her husband], The Bloggess has us hooked. Join us in learning more about this unpredictable funny lady.

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