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The Bloggess: Four things to never joke about with your man.

The Bloggess: Four things to never joke about with your man. The Author, with Hugh Hefner, at an undisclosed location
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My grandmother does not read this column. This is unsurprising, given the fact that this is a sex column and she’s my grandmother, but I recently tried to explain to her that there’s really nothing different about my column than anything you’d read in Cosmo Magazine.

  Part 1: Four things to never joke about with your man

1. Telling him that his dog is dead when really it isn’t. Trust me, they never laugh at this. And even when you tell them that it’s just a joke, they still don’t laugh. And then when they say, “That’s not funny” you should be all “I know. What’s really funny is that your dog really is dead.” (It’s funny because it’s unexpected.) But not unexpected to you, obviously, since you’re the person who just ran over it. You’d think a guy would appreciate a little levity when being told about his dog dying, but no. They’re total dicks about it.

2. The time he “experimented” at camp with that other guy. You especially shouldn’t joke about this if he only told you about it when he was drunk. It’s apparently even less funny if you find a way to insert into the Thanksgiving prayer at his parents house. Probably because I couldn’t stop laughing enough to get to the punch-line. And also I was too drunk to come up with a punch-line. Still, it was pretty funny.

3. His penis. Unless you’re talking about how huge it is. Men are usually okay with that. Except that that isn’t really funny at all. Unless maybe you said how huge it is and then said “Ha! Just joking!” But then really that’s only funny to you and to all the people who are at dinner with you.

4. Cunnilingus. Specifically, how much better his brother is at cunnilingus. Mainly because men don’t actually know what “cunnilingus” means. Then you have to explain that it’s Latin for “muff-diving”. And then the joke is ruined because you had to explain it to him. And also now he’s pissed because he just realized you’re cheating on him with his brother. Or maybe he’s mad because you just explained cunnilingus to him and he already knew what it was and was insulted that you felt the need to describe it. Hell, I don’t know. I just know he was pissed. I’m not a goddamn mind-reader.

Join me next week when I tackle a (hopefully) easier subject: The Magic Words That Makes Him Tell You the Truth.

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Comments

RandiRackham  

The penis thing is very true. In fact the other day I was telling my man about how I was reading a link on micro penises (I did not search out this link, I have a friend where our entire relationship is sending bizarre porn to each other. I got this one along with a video of a very 80s chick going down on the Cream of Wheat guy) anyways I was mocking the micro penis guys and he was giving me a very dirty look (Not the good kind), and I said "Don't worry you're completely average, I checked." The look then got kind of angry, and he said "No one wants to hear that..." "It means that half the world has a smaller penis than you!" He still wasn't happy.

I wonder if lesbians have this problem...

01/15/2010
not another username  

This is a pretty funny blog.I stumbled in from Life according to Candice...

Your letters to your mom cracked me up.

01/20/2010

This was hilarious! I like to think I have a pretty good sense of humor... 1, 2 and 4 would make laugh; but a penis joke? That's where I tap out...

02/21/2010
gone77  

There's a 5th thing you should never joke about with your man: Being pregnant when you're really not. I've known a couple women who do that and I find it disturbing and not funny at all.

02/21/2010
The Things I'd Tell You  

Seriously, I think I just pulled a stomach muscle. This shit is funny. I dont' know why I held out so long on your blog-I think it's my new favourite.

07/18/2010

I have a love hate relationship with Cosmo. It amuses me sometimes, but then sometimes it just pisses me the hell off, or grosses me out. Last night I was reading one and it said to lick a guys eyelids. Eyelids? Really?

I say keep going with this theme!

01/01/2011

This is hilarious!

03/14/2011

"I want to say thanks for the family and friends I have joined around me, and for the beautiful thanksgiving dinner set out in front of us. I am especially thankful for my husband this year and all the new things we have discovered about one another, like when he told me about the time he went down on another guy because he was going through an awkward phase and he wanted to know what it would be like. Oh and for all the penis jokes, he is so proud that he think I think his penis is massive. Ha! Ive been joking the whole time! He should see his brothers penis and WOW the was he goes down on me is AMAZING. I love you honey! lets eat"

10/23/2011
SwaggeringPagan  

Perhaps I'm simply not feeling humorous today but frankly I find your attempts at it rather sad and slightly angering.

You're right, don't eff with a man's dog. Don't joke about it, probably wise to not even consider it. His dog is always happy to see him. You're not and he knows it, once a month you're hateful and shortsighted, full of spite and acid. The dog just wants a scratch behind the ear and the occasional cat to chase.

Humiliation; also not a good way to go if you ever want your ladybits nibbled again. I'm a pretty solid kat, tough to get on my bad side but I'd gleefullly dump my beer over your head before leaving you wherever you happened to be at the moment. Hopefully someplace equally embarrassing for you.

Dick jokes and aiming at his. Also a good way to spend loads of time with your middle finger. Speaking only for myself; I'm pretty confident in what I've got to work with but nobody likes to be undercut where they feel most vulnerable. You like people chatting about your cellulite or the Marty Feldman eyes? Perhaps if your parts were of a more suitable......gap...you wouldn't need a mason jar to feel the friction.
I hear they're doing wonders at reconstruction these days.....cure that embarrassing echo anyway.

Fuck it, it occurs that this will fall not on deaf ears but those that don't care to listen and I could get just as lame and hurtful as you are. I found this joint after my other half pointed out a couple articles and I was encouraged by what I read. Further digging begins to show a less impressive underpinning that is more than a little disappointing. I think we'll move on....

But feel free to make with the joke, I'm sure your audience will have a riot.

03/21/2012

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