Why you don’t want it: Okay, this seems like it would be a nice way to wake up but in reality everyone hates to be woken up regardless of what’s doing it and pretty soon the novelty will wear off and you’re going to start dreading hearing the sound of your alarm. Except instead of dreading the normal, irritating beeping like everyone else in the world, you’re going to start dreading hearing a hot chick having sex. Welcome to hell. Plus, you’ll probably develop a Pavlovian response so that whenever you hear a woman having an orgasm you’ll automatically feel sleepy and annoyed. That’s not supposed to happen until seconds after the orgasm. Stop fucking everything up, dude.
What is it? PantyO Kegel Exercise Panties.
Why you don’t want it: First of all, this product made me use the word “panties” three times already. I fucking hate that word. First strike, PantyO. Secondly, have you ever had a pair of underpants actually stay in place all day? Me either. So imagine the random surprises that a pair of underpants with a one-inch knob sewn into the crotch will bring you. It’s like sitting on an unexpected tack. all. day. long. Except that you can’t explain that you just jumped out of your chair during your business meeting because you sat on a tack because you didn’t sit on a tack. You sat on a plastic knob intentionally sewn into your underwear. That you paid $125 for. So that you can exercise your vagina. This is getting more baffling the more I explain it.
What is it:? Condometric. It’s a condom with a ruler printed on it.
Why you don’t want it: It’s a condom with a ruler printed on it.
What is it? Outpatient-fitted testicle prosthesis for men who are not satisfied with their “bothersome and extended scrotal sac.”
Why you don’t want it: Really? I don’t even have a ballsack and this made me flinch. Just stop. Your ballsack is not a bother. We’re not even looking at it, to be honest with you. I can’t believe I’m having to clarify this. Stop worrying about your ballsack. It’s fine.