This week I got pulled into the principal’s office at SexIs. It wasn’t all that bad since all people at SexIs are super sweet, but they were considering putting a disclaimer on my column so that people would know that this is a humor column which shouldn’t be taken seriously and that I’m solely responsible for the things that I write and that in no way do they agree with or support my ridiculous rantings. I thought that was probably already pretty obvious to the typical reader but they felt the need to distance themselves from me while at the same time assuring me that they still loved me. This was the same sort of response I got from my own family so it was nothing new but it was a bit strange coming from a sex magazine. Basically I’ve managed to disconcertingly alarm a site that offers penis Christmas ornaments and blow-job machines. I could be wrong but I think that means that I just won the internets.
I explained to SexIs that I agree that disclaimers are a great idea and that I even encourage acquaintances to have t-shirts made that say “Yes, I do know the Bloggess but that doesn’t mean I agree with anything she says. Except that shit about using dead kittens to make fur-liked gloves for the homeless. That’s kind of brilliant”. They didn’t respond (probably because they were overwhelmed with my philanthropy) so I filled the uncomfortable silence by volunteering to come up with a disclaimer that would clarify that they are not to blame for me. Then I sent them an email with several suggestions that we could use:
They didn’t respond right away and so I thought I should maybe send them something to let them know that I did actually take their concerns very seriously so I emailed them a picture of myself being gagged because I thought it was funny and also on point:
This is when another long hour passed with no response and I started to think about how embarrassing it would be to say you got fired from a sex site for being too offensive and by “embarrassing” I mean “kind of bad-ass” so I sent them another email:
And then another hour passed and I was starting to feel a little guilty about insulting their ball-gag because you really shouldn’t look a gift ball-gag in the mouth even if it is way too big for your mouth and I was just about to put them out of their misery by submitting my resignation but right then they responded and basically said that they were giving up on reigning me in and were going to try to hang on through the hell-bound hayride I seemed intent on taking them on. Then they suggested that we let the readers choose which disclaimer they like the most. Winner gets a free ball-gag. Not mine though. A new one. And if you want, I’ll even autograph your ball. From the ball-gag, that is. I’m not going to autograph your testicle. Probably.
PS. In all seriousness, my apologies to SexIs and EdenFantasys who allow me to write whatever crazy-ass shit I want without censorship. That is a quality to be admired and one that should be commended by the writing community as a whole. My words are my own and they may not always agree with them or even always enjoy them but they always support my right to say them and that’s pretty damn bad-ass in my book.
I explained to SexIs that I agree that disclaimers are a great idea and that I even encourage acquaintances to have t-shirts made that say “Yes, I do know the Bloggess but that doesn’t mean I agree with anything she says. Except that shit about using dead kittens to make fur-liked gloves for the homeless. That’s kind of brilliant”. They didn’t respond (probably because they were overwhelmed with my philanthropy) so I filled the uncomfortable silence by volunteering to come up with a disclaimer that would clarify that they are not to blame for me. Then I sent them an email with several suggestions that we could use:
They didn’t respond right away and so I thought I should maybe send them something to let them know that I did actually take their concerns very seriously so I emailed them a picture of myself being gagged because I thought it was funny and also on point:
This is when another long hour passed with no response and I started to think about how embarrassing it would be to say you got fired from a sex site for being too offensive and by “embarrassing” I mean “kind of bad-ass” so I sent them another email:
And then another hour passed and I was starting to feel a little guilty about insulting their ball-gag because you really shouldn’t look a gift ball-gag in the mouth even if it is way too big for your mouth and I was just about to put them out of their misery by submitting my resignation but right then they responded and basically said that they were giving up on reigning me in and were going to try to hang on through the hell-bound hayride I seemed intent on taking them on. Then they suggested that we let the readers choose which disclaimer they like the most. Winner gets a free ball-gag. Not mine though. A new one. And if you want, I’ll even autograph your ball. From the ball-gag, that is. I’m not going to autograph your testicle. Probably.
PS. In all seriousness, my apologies to SexIs and EdenFantasys who allow me to write whatever crazy-ass shit I want without censorship. That is a quality to be admired and one that should be commended by the writing community as a whole. My words are my own and they may not always agree with them or even always enjoy them but they always support my right to say them and that’s pretty damn bad-ass in my book.
I like the first one. And I want it on a t-shirt. Yesterday.
I like the fourth one and the last one.
They both amuse me greatly
I think it's a tie between "This column would be funnier if you were higher" and "This column is offensive to some assholes".
Actually, now that I think about it, I think they're both important. I mean, you need a stoney disclaimer as well as a pissy-disclaimer. I would use those two. That way, you can keep them at the top of the page, and it'll even it all out.
Or you could do a disclaimer a day. Wait, that's too much writing. Never mind. Hey, can we make-up more for you?
What about "Warning: this bitch says a lot of heinous shit!"
I like #7 with the Nightline reference.
The last one - it is perfect!
And, people HATE to be told what to do so your readership will undoubtedly increase exponentially!
And yes, you are now supreme ruler of the internets! We bow before you - please grace us with your insanity!
The "Shut up Jenny" one is best. It has the most, smallest text, just as any disclaimer should, and is therefore the least likely to be read.
Win for SexIs (no liability for Blogess comments), win for Blogess (a disclaimer nobody will read) and a win for cope (first ball gag and/or necklace).
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I like the fourth.
Then I like the second-to-last and the last one.
I can't decide which one I like best overall.
I like them all but death by stabbing is the best. Put them all on some tshirts with the blog website and let all of us sport the ones we like !
Keep it up ! /Cheers to Sexis and EdenFantasys for not trying to tone down the only blog I actually like.
I like #'s 1,4,7,& 10! They are all pretty hilarious though. Glad to here they aren't going to try and change your blog, one of the few interesting ones out there.
I need #8 for all the douchebags on my blog!!!
I'm loving all of them. Favorites are the last three though. Absolutely Fabulous! I'm so glad they didn't try to rein you in. That would have been very sad. Keep up the awesome writing! Loving every second of the insanity!
I just love this collumn i just recently found it and its hillarious ty!
Psh, They should be proud you are freaking fantastic, even if you do say some off the wall shit, which only makes you that much better!
I love the one about Fantasies being spelled wrong. LoooooooooooooL
Has to be the "Clarification" one. Haha, that made me laugh far too much! - Another fantastic article!
The fourth is my favorite, but i enjoy just about all of them.
The caution one with nightline mentioned is my favorite. And I am new to this place, but already falling in love with hilarious and clever bloggers like you. Thanks for the article and looking forward to seeing more.