Who gives a damn about the sexual needs of Americans with disabilities? From the lack of media attention, it seems nobody. There’s not a single dominant personality in this country that’s has fully championed the sexual rights of people with disabilities. But Dr. Tuppy Owens, a British global ecologist and sexual maverick, has advocated for sexual freedom and tolerance in her country since the late 1960s, following her acclaimed work in ecology in Africa and Trinidad.
Then best known for book, The Sex Maniac’s Diary, in 1979, Dr. Owens marshaled her talents as a sex therapist to establish Outsiders, an organization for the disabled seeking sexual partners. Over the next three decades, Outsiders has expanded its influence, earning Dr. Owens and her organization respect and admiration from every level of British society.
“I do believe that disabled people have the right to enjoy the privacy of sex,” Dr. Owens, just back from a holiday, told SexIs. “Their sexual needs have to be respected during all the extensive medical care they receive. They should never have to endure being sexually abused, bullied or teased. Their parents must be helped to shed all guilt, disappointment, and feeling of being punished, so they treat their child like any other child or teenager. People should look beneath the surface and find out that disabled people are just like other people. They should be considered people first and disabled second.”
Disabled protesters rally for their rights
Outsiders has established a guide to assist the disabled to learn to form relationships. Most members are in their thirties and forties, and younger, but some are in their eighties. Through its various social and sexual programs, Outsiders provides a safe environment for the disabled to begin the process of dating. Online dating sites can be havens for predators seeking out “vulnerable” prey. Volunteers run a Sex and Disability helpline for disabled people around the world to call or email with their sexual problems, and help make safer choices.
“Our mission,” Dr. Owens explains, “is to ensure that disabled people no longer have to struggle to enjoy the sexual pleasures, love, and intimacy that the rest of humanity takes for granted.”
Still, society frowns at any mention of sex involving a disabled person. “There is much stigma surrounding sex and disability,” Dr. Owens reflects. “People [think] the disabled must not have sex or produce more disabled children. They worry that disability is the result of being ‘bad.’ They fear it might be contagious! And finally, they find the imagery of disabled people having sex to be grotesque, as people must be ‘beautiful’ to have sex.”
On the other hand, Dr. Owens understands that many challenges come not only from society, but from years of emotional damage many of the disabled have suffered. “Obviously, it can be a long journey when you’ve been endlessly put down, to start feeling good about yourself…accepting the way you look, or the way you speak, or how you operate when you cannot see or hear.
“What’s great about Outsiders is our members enjoy the way their disability and their sexuality are accepted, so they can relax and be themselves. I think this is the essential element of our success.”
In 2005, Dr. Owens founded SHADA (Sexual Health and Disability Alliance), a coalition of sex-positive health and therapeutic organizations that emphasizes the importance of sexuality for the disabled. Currently, SHADA has 100 members, including social workers, researchers, consultants, helpline managers, health professionals, sex therapists and sex workers.
“SHADA meetings are really rewarding because the people who often attend are struggling to include sex in their work,” Dr. Owens says. “If you’re running a residential home for people with disabilities, many of whom have a normal sex drive, you need to ensure that they can have sex without falling out of the wheelchair, and not suffocate themselves sucking off a woman who suffers from adductor spasms, which make her legs clam together. You need to educate your staff to support the residents but at the same time, not to get involved with the sex. Sex workers are needed in those instances.”
Again, society is resistant to granting sexual pleasure to the disabled. “The Board of Governors, the other residents and the staff may object to sex workers coming into the residence,” she explains. “Most of all, parents and other relatives, who still see them as children, even when they are 50 years old, don’t want their ‘little darling’ to have sex—let alone paid sex.”
Asked about the relationship between sex workers with their members, Dr. Owens is quite candid. While Dr. Owens says that disabled people are very open and honest about they want to achieve from the sessions, she’s found a distinct divide between men and women when it comes to paying for sex. “Many disabled women say they would love to pay a sex worker who knows how to make love skillfully and teach them how to reach their full erotic potential. Women, however, rarely hire sex workers. Disabled men say they don’t want to pay for it because they are looking for love and affection, but they get frustrated and call an escort.”
On the other side of the equation, are the sex workers themselves. “Most get a certain amount of job satisfaction,” she says, “but those who work with disabled people get a huge amount. I produced a website, TLC, especially for disabled men and women to access responsible sex workers. One of the sex workers told me that she doesn’t want a boyfriend because she’s happy with her work.”
Lord Richard Faulker, Dr. Tuppy Owens (center) and Baroness Sue Miller at the Erotic Awards event
While sex and disability is Dr. Owen’s driving passion, it’s only one facet of society’s larger sexual tableau. “Sexual freedom seems to be on a pendulum, swinging backward and forward with no real advances,” she admits.
“I used to blame religion, but then it was women, or rather feminism, and now it’s a combination of the two. What’s ironic is that the people who fight against sexual freedom find it impossible to speak honestly about sex.
“The only reliable answer is not a political or religious one. Politicians are all having affairs and are doing lots of naughtiness. Religions use the same principle with the same level of hanky-panky but theirs are directed at choirboys.
“In America, from what I hear, you’re actually generally more puritanical than we are. Still, thanks to Outsiders, fewer disabled people have less of a struggle. We do this, despite no state funding and very little public funding at all. But we love our work.”
A poster for the 21st Anniversary Night of the Senses fundraiser
Then best known for book, The Sex Maniac’s Diary, in 1979, Dr. Owens marshaled her talents as a sex therapist to establish Outsiders, an organization for the disabled seeking sexual partners. Over the next three decades, Outsiders has expanded its influence, earning Dr. Owens and her organization respect and admiration from every level of British society.
“I do believe that disabled people have the right to enjoy the privacy of sex,” Dr. Owens, just back from a holiday, told SexIs. “Their sexual needs have to be respected during all the extensive medical care they receive. They should never have to endure being sexually abused, bullied or teased. Their parents must be helped to shed all guilt, disappointment, and feeling of being punished, so they treat their child like any other child or teenager. People should look beneath the surface and find out that disabled people are just like other people. They should be considered people first and disabled second.”
Disabled protesters rally for their rights
Outsiders has established a guide to assist the disabled to learn to form relationships. Most members are in their thirties and forties, and younger, but some are in their eighties. Through its various social and sexual programs, Outsiders provides a safe environment for the disabled to begin the process of dating. Online dating sites can be havens for predators seeking out “vulnerable” prey. Volunteers run a Sex and Disability helpline for disabled people around the world to call or email with their sexual problems, and help make safer choices.
“Our mission,” Dr. Owens explains, “is to ensure that disabled people no longer have to struggle to enjoy the sexual pleasures, love, and intimacy that the rest of humanity takes for granted.”
Still, society frowns at any mention of sex involving a disabled person. “There is much stigma surrounding sex and disability,” Dr. Owens reflects. “People [think] the disabled must not have sex or produce more disabled children. They worry that disability is the result of being ‘bad.’ They fear it might be contagious! And finally, they find the imagery of disabled people having sex to be grotesque, as people must be ‘beautiful’ to have sex.”
Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is
SHADA officials are currently engaged in several projects of policy with residential homes, disability agencies, rehab units, and national training sessions for the disabled at several NHS clinics. Dr. Owens has been invite to speak at the World Association for Sexual Health conference in Glasgow, Scotland in June 2011, but advocacy costs money.
One successful fundraiser, The Night of the Senses event, has an air of carnival carnality, at which guests enjoy attractions that are “funny, sensual or kinky.” There is a Sensuality Chamber where people can enjoy “rampant shagging” to musical accompaniment.
The Erotic Awards fundraiser, first held in 1986, honors academics, sex workers, politicians, strippers, advocates, disabled and non-disabled, pays operating costs while treasuring those who work in sex or have sex-positive principles.
To learn more, or to contribute, visit:
www.outsiders.org
shada.org
nightofthesenses.com
On the other hand, Dr. Owens understands that many challenges come not only from society, but from years of emotional damage many of the disabled have suffered. “Obviously, it can be a long journey when you’ve been endlessly put down, to start feeling good about yourself…accepting the way you look, or the way you speak, or how you operate when you cannot see or hear.
“What’s great about Outsiders is our members enjoy the way their disability and their sexuality are accepted, so they can relax and be themselves. I think this is the essential element of our success.”
In 2005, Dr. Owens founded SHADA (Sexual Health and Disability Alliance), a coalition of sex-positive health and therapeutic organizations that emphasizes the importance of sexuality for the disabled. Currently, SHADA has 100 members, including social workers, researchers, consultants, helpline managers, health professionals, sex therapists and sex workers.
“SHADA meetings are really rewarding because the people who often attend are struggling to include sex in their work,” Dr. Owens says. “If you’re running a residential home for people with disabilities, many of whom have a normal sex drive, you need to ensure that they can have sex without falling out of the wheelchair, and not suffocate themselves sucking off a woman who suffers from adductor spasms, which make her legs clam together. You need to educate your staff to support the residents but at the same time, not to get involved with the sex. Sex workers are needed in those instances.”
Again, society is resistant to granting sexual pleasure to the disabled. “The Board of Governors, the other residents and the staff may object to sex workers coming into the residence,” she explains. “Most of all, parents and other relatives, who still see them as children, even when they are 50 years old, don’t want their ‘little darling’ to have sex—let alone paid sex.”
Asked about the relationship between sex workers with their members, Dr. Owens is quite candid. While Dr. Owens says that disabled people are very open and honest about they want to achieve from the sessions, she’s found a distinct divide between men and women when it comes to paying for sex. “Many disabled women say they would love to pay a sex worker who knows how to make love skillfully and teach them how to reach their full erotic potential. Women, however, rarely hire sex workers. Disabled men say they don’t want to pay for it because they are looking for love and affection, but they get frustrated and call an escort.”
On the other side of the equation, are the sex workers themselves. “Most get a certain amount of job satisfaction,” she says, “but those who work with disabled people get a huge amount. I produced a website, TLC, especially for disabled men and women to access responsible sex workers. One of the sex workers told me that she doesn’t want a boyfriend because she’s happy with her work.”
Lord Richard Faulker, Dr. Tuppy Owens (center) and Baroness Sue Miller at the Erotic Awards event
While sex and disability is Dr. Owen’s driving passion, it’s only one facet of society’s larger sexual tableau. “Sexual freedom seems to be on a pendulum, swinging backward and forward with no real advances,” she admits.
“I used to blame religion, but then it was women, or rather feminism, and now it’s a combination of the two. What’s ironic is that the people who fight against sexual freedom find it impossible to speak honestly about sex.
“The only reliable answer is not a political or religious one. Politicians are all having affairs and are doing lots of naughtiness. Religions use the same principle with the same level of hanky-panky but theirs are directed at choirboys.
“In America, from what I hear, you’re actually generally more puritanical than we are. Still, thanks to Outsiders, fewer disabled people have less of a struggle. We do this, despite no state funding and very little public funding at all. But we love our work.”
A poster for the 21st Anniversary Night of the Senses fundraiser
Nina, Dian, Tuppy.... Quite the roster of sex-postive women, Cole. I believe I might see a niche developing here. Great message and -- as always -- nice work.
what i've learned after 50 years...it has more to do with them than it has to do with you; so tell 'em!! you're *not* responsible for the way they see you or how they feel (no need to explain endlessly to 'justify' your existing with a disability), THEY are. put the responsibility for discrimination and dehumanizing attitudes back where it belongs!!
born free... : )