I had been hearing about Pirates for some time. The porn with an actual plot and special effects, the "pirate porn." I had friends who went to annual Pirate Porn parties where they watched Pirates. I knew it had won porn awards. My curiosity was peaked.

Admittedly, I have not watched much porn. I discovered young that rather than turning me on, porn only made me angry that I was not having sex. I saw it as a tease to watch others have sex, not a replacement or a masturbation enhancement. So I have only ever watched porn for entertainment-to see something amazing and unnatural or to make fun of something (and once to have sex to). I didn't have much of a gauge to judge Pirates against other porn.

The one word that came to my mind after watching Pirates was ridiculous. The acting was bad. Some actresses sounded like they were reading directly from the page; one main actor punctuated his speech like he was having a seizure. The special effects were lame, resonate of the years before computer graphic truly began to deceive us. The soundtrack was painfully mismatched. The tone of the music did not match the scenes; there was no bow-chica-wow-wow. The plot was mediocre. It echoed frequently of Pirates of the Caribbean.

The sex left something to be desired. Some scenes were barely a step above soft core porn, lacking any penetration shots and not incorporating anything hardcore. I guess I wanted to see something more intense than I see in my everyday sex life. The players were constantly spitting on each other; spitting on cunts, spitting in assholes, spitting in each other's faces. Aside from a brief scene including some lit candles, nothing really made me think, oh wow. The sex was tame.

However, the girl on girl scenes far exceeded the guy/girl scenes in quality. They seemed less scripted, and the chemistry between the girls was more visible, less forced. The small women with their huge silicone breasts tried to dominate each other and wrestled around. Bodies were contorted and flipped. The filming was better. They actually showed fingers shoved into orifices rather than two bodies humping from across the room. And how can you not laugh at a room full of pirates chanting for two girls to cum?

Pirates may not have been what I would consider quality porn, but it was extremely entertaining. It kept my interest through the entire, long movie. I could not turn away. The bad acting and weak plot were addicting. The sex scenes were still intriguing enough to watch. I laughed a lot. I giggled at the Disney-esque soundtrack that clashed with cock sucking. I rolled my eyes at the bad acting yet was still smiling. I found myself fascinated with the odd spitting theme.

It may not have made me cum, but Pirates is definitely a must see.