Handcrafted wooden dildo #317 - probe by Hardwood dildos - review by Champagne and Benzedrine (Roland Hulme)

Considering that dildos have been around for over 30,000 years (the earliest ones were discovered during excavations from the Upper Paleolithic era) nobody should turn their nose up at toys that are made from materials other than rubber, plastic, silicone or glass. This toy, from Hardwood dildos, is made of exactly that - beautifully shaped from a single piece of rich, dark mahogany.

Although described as a 'double-ended' dildo, it seems a little short for that - but is a good-sized, slightly curved dildo with a smooth shaft on one end and three bulging 'bobbles' on the other. It would be quite athletic for two women to use each end at the same time - but that length does make it immensely practical for self-penetration and the curve is very well suited for stimulating a woman's G-spot.

Likewise, the length makes it suitable for anal play - as although it's not flanged at the base, it'd take some kind of anal athlete to 'lose' a dildo this size. The bulging 'bobbles' on the one end are very well-suited to give anal pleasure, while the smooth shaft has a satisfying width and is fairly easy to insert.

This dildo is made from mahogany - and looks and smells like it. There's a rich, 'woody' scent that is totally disarming. The toy resembles a baton more than a sex-toy and it's very strange to be expected to insert it anywhere!

The toy is made from smooth, hard wood - but it's still got that grainy texture to it. Unlike some so-called 'wooden' dildos, this is the real deal - not a composite of wood or resin. Again, though, it makes the whole concept of penetrating yourself with it seem very strange. A first thought? Splinters...

In reality, the toy's perfectly smooth and safe - but it's definitely different enough to take most people out of their comfort zone!

This toy is a work of art, nothing less. It's smooth and aesthetic, with a comforting scent of wood and it even comes in an elegant velvet bag. Looking as it does, it's such an unlikely sex-toy that you could probably leave it on a bookshelf, in plain view, and never have to deal with any awkward questions.

Although not 'huge,' it's got a fairly hefty width to it and the dull point on either end make it eminently more suitable for vaginal play than anal.

The best part about this toy? The fact that it's beautiful. It's very sexy and earthy.

The worst? It just feels ODD. Wood seems such an unlikely sex-toy material that most cynical, 21st century couples might have reservations using it. Rest assured, there have been no stories of splinters so far!

Considering the wooden British warship 'Mary Rose' survived half a millennia underwater, it's reasonable to assume that wood's pretty hardy - after all, it's what they build houses, bridges and arks out of.

Likewise, there's not a lot you can do to this dildo that it won't survive from. Unlike rubber or plastic, wood is pretty much safe to use with any type of lube (from water-based to Crisco) and as long as it's washed with anti-bacterial soap and dried properly, should give literally decades of service.

That being said, wood isn't the first choice for sex toys. This beautiful dildo is a solid piece of mahogany and although it's smoothed, sanded and varnished, it's difficult to tell whether it's totally 'impregnable' to moisture, lube, love juices and the whatnot - or not.

The dildo doesn't come with instructions, either, which isn't a help.

Most people would recommend using a condom on it - even if it's not necessary for material reasons, it does make cleaning the toy much easier (and gives piece of mind when using it in different people, different orifices, or different orifices in different people.)

Eden Fantasys gives some great advice on wooden toys and recommends washing them with anti-bacterial soap and drying them thoroughly. Fortunately, this dildo comes with a beautiful velvet bag, which makes a discreet, safe and secure place to store it!

When you buy a wooden dildo, it's fair to assume you care about the environment (so much so that you're willing to basically have sex with part of it!) For that reason, Hardwood has very sensibly avoided the big bulky box and reams of useless instructions and the dildo arrives in a simple plastic bag, with a velvet drawstring bag to store it in.

It smells delicious. Rich, warm, oaky and earthy. Not exactly sexy, but delicious.

Both my wife and I were kind of suspicious of this toy, as a wooden dildo definitely took us out of our comfort zone. Would we get splinters? Was it safe?

In the end, we both tried it after wrapping the business-end in a condom. My wife lay on her back and spread her thighs to fuck herself with the smooth end - and found the size and curve had the advantage of nudging her g-spot in just the right place, while also giving her a good grip to control it with.

It's slightly less manageable for anal use, but the bulging lumps on the end make it VERY stimulating when it slides in and out - although the tapered points on each end are a bit blunt and make insertion less easy than you'd imagine.

It's a WEIRD toy, all in all. Very beautiful, perfectly sized but definitely something sharply DIFFERENT from what you'd normally expect.