Female Dominance, made easy!

The Mistress Manual is literally a how-to guide for women who are just getting into female domination, or who are interested in learning more about it. Overall, the book emphasizes health, safety, good communication within your relationship, and consent. It is written as an instructional and educational book (thus, the "manual"), and it does this job quite well. As one would expect, the book works to empower women, and thankfully not in a man-bashing way.

The first section, "Becoming a Mistress," gives reasons why female domination is enjoyable (feeling powerful, the joy of fantasy) and also includes a chapter for "The Reluctant Mistress." This chapter was an interesting read for me because I have always considered myself a natural submissive, I have suffered considerable trauma at the hands of men, and I was raised to be very polite and reserved. Even if you have always felt that you were a natural Domme, this chapter is worth at least skimming. I'm sure at one point or another, all women raised in our society who are interested in female domination would think about many of the points the author brings up. For example, I certainly have worried that I may hurt my submissive, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that. Many women probably also struggle with the act of dominating a man sexually because men are so dominant in our culture, etc. These and other topics reluctance are addressed in the second chapter. Also, the author emphasizes dealing with your own traumatic experiences in a safe and healthy manner, and also attending to any your partner may have before deciding if female dominance is for you. Another chapter in this first section is “Finding (or creating) a submissive male.” Ideas here range from newspaper ads to social clubs to online dating sites, to simply asking your current partner about his interest! Finally, and very importantly, the author includes a chapter on maintaining your relationship. It discusses possible bad reactions you both may have and how you can deal with them.

The third section is the part I was most anxious to read: “The Mistress in Action.” Now here’s the fun stuff. This section was certainly the most helpful to me, and it has most of the real “meat” of the book. The author goes over how to establish a “scene” and how to make it more effective. Creating dominance names for yourself and your submissive help let you both know when a scene is desired. The author emphasizes that suspense is the most important part of establishing your authority as a mistress, but also then going through with the punishment or pleasure that keeps him in suspense. Costumes, props, and persuasive acting also help create an effective scene.

One chapter covers how to plan and enact a scene. You must first discuss with your submissive what each of you desires from the scene and establish the most important element – the safe word. She suggests using something other than “stop” or “No!” because these words may be misconstrued as part of the play. The author suggests the “stoplight” safe-word system – saying “red” means stop & end the scene; “yellow” means something like, slow down, less pain, etc but don’t stop; and a submissive can say “green” to reassure a hesitant mistress. However, the author stresses that a safe-word may not always be dependable – perhaps for one reason or another, the submissive just cannot get it out. The mistress must thus always be aware. She is responsible for her partner’s safety.

Another chapter covers props and techniques for the proper use of each. Types of punishment are covered, such as different types of spanking and humiliation. The author lists different instruments used to discipline, from the hand to the hairbrush to the birch and cane. She discusses the proper use of each, emphasizing safety and detailing what harm can befall your submissive if you use and instrument incorrectly. She also discusses instruments of bondage, such as ball gags, collars & restraints, including rope, cuffs, and male chastity devices (all of which I love). She discusses ways to humiliate your submissive, including enemas & other anal play, verbal humiliation, and cock & ball torture.

The final section of the book describes the “Five Archetypal Fantasies” and advises you to read through them all and take elements from each that you like. The fantasies include the Nursemaid, Governess, Queen, Amazon, and Goddess. Discussing fantasies with your submissive is important; the author uses the example of a Domme who was interested in CBT and more “Amazonian” domination and her submissive who preferred to be the naughty schoolboy. In cases where your fantasies are in conflict, communication and compromise is key. Just be aware that problems may arise between the two of you, and you just need patience to work them out.

I’ve found that BDSM in general makes my partner and I much more open with and trusting of each other, improves our communication, and deepens our love and commitment to one another. I love that the author makes this, and safety, the stronghold of the book, and all of the play revolves around these things.