The hell is going on here? Really . . .

Okay, so I love cold things whether they be lube or ice cubes or chilled metal objects. I also love my System JO H2O, and basically everything else from them I've tried. I figured JO's cooling lube ought to be pretty good. Seems logical, right? Not so much.

Lube is good for making things slippery. Slippery is often a desirable quality when partaking in sexy activities. Toys, girls, boys and things of that nature have more fun when there's less friction. That's where lube comes in. You can use it for vaginal sex with humans or inanimate object. It lets you stick things in your butt comfortably and effectively. Sometimes it can be tasty and help out in the oral department. Water-based formulas keep you good in all of those departments.

What sets this one apart is that is has a "cooling and tingling" sensation. Personally, I've found that these sorts of sensations, at least for me, increase my overall sensation and make things a little more intense. I've had really good runs with a few other lubes like this and was quite excited to try this one since my JO H2O is my favorite out of the buckets of lube I own. Theoretically, it's just a normal lube with a cooling ingredient added. It can be a fun little treat when used vaginally and anally, but it't probably not something you'd want to put very much of in your mouth.

Here's what you're working with:

Methyl Paraben, Propyl Paraben, Sodium Carboxymethyl Cellulose, Propylene Glycol, Menthol, Purified Water

Here's the standard JO formula: Propyl Paraben, Methyl Paraben, Sodium Carboxymethyl Cellulose, Glycerin, Purified Water

(And now I understand why there was such a huge difference between the two.)

Gah! Parabens as the first ingredient! They can burrrrn! Well, in my experience they haven't and I got all burned up with another lube with a bunch of parabens. Unlike the normal formula there isn't any glycerin, but the plain H2O has never caused me any problems with anything at all and I'm a sensitive lady. We see that the cooling ingredient here is menthol while the other cooling lubes normally have other cooling ingredients. Overall, both of them are fairly simple, although a bit different in other ways than just the cooling ingredients. If you have super crazy sensitivities to parabens or menthol you might want to pass, but it did no harm to me.

The thickness is a bit like the normal formula, but it's a bit thicker giving it a medium viscosity that's like a very thin hair gel. It pours easily without getting all over the place and doesn't drip everywhere. It stays just where you put it, too. Now let's get on to the real info here.

Normal JO is amazingly smooth, slick, and velvety. It's basically like a combination between a normal lube and natural lubrication. It's thick enough to be used for anal, but thin enough to be used comfortably for vaginal. This on the other hand was more of a "what the hell is going on here?" type deal. It's thicker, yes, but not in a really good way. It's slightly goopy and can be felt while being used. It left my hands all lubey and gross after I tried to wash it off. It is slightly velvety, but it's almost too slick and bordering on greasy and a fail in the sticky department. I was incredibly perplexed by how it could be so much different than the normal formula (and even the flavored JO H2O). Gross! Afterwards I did have a bad case of lubey vag and did feel the need to wash it off after use which I never really do after the regular JO. If you let it dry up on the skin there is a slight filmy feeling afterwards.

Really, what the hell happened here? Oh, but we're not done with that phrase just yet . . .

I really wish this part was optional on lube reviews because I'm not a fan of tasting the stuff.

What's it smell like? Nothing. Sniff it as much as you want and you won't smell a thing. Okay, there might be a light menthol smell to it, but if you notice it you have an extremely good sense of smell. Taste? Menthol. It's not bad, but it's cooling. Not bitter or anything like that. Mildly strong, but nothing to really shake a stick at.

Okay, so System JO H2O is my top pick of lubes. Something must be really awesome about it considering I have a whole box full of tons of different slippery solutions. It's the best of the best as far as I'm concerned. This stuff, no. Not at all. As much as I hate it, I'd probably be better off with a bottle of original Wet.

Sticky, icky, globby, ughhh. That sums up the texture of it. Kinda thick and tacky. Just gross. We covered this in a previous section, so now it's on to the less than stellar "special feature".

Since this is a cooling lube you'd think it would provide a cooling sensation, right? Nope. Well, I mean, it does, but only for the first minute or so and it's rather mild at that. What the hell is this? I feel like I was sitting naked in front of the fridge and opened the door for a minute, a breeze of cold air passed my vagina, and then promptly shut the door and it was gone. It would have been more cooling if I would have stuck the bottle in the fridge. If I did that I wouldn't even need this fail of a cooling lube and could use stuff that actually worked like it was supposed to.

And afterwards? Ugh. Gross again. After handling my business I felt the overwhelming need to get up and wash the junk off of me which never happens with the regular formula. I had gotten some on my thighs with my crazy lube hands and it left this filmy residue behind after it had dried up. Oh, and when it dried on a hard surface it got all crusty and flaky. Yuck! To hell with you, you stupid excuse for a cooling lube! You suck at everything!

It gives you a tingly sensation because you're so frustrated by how much it sucks at being a lube.