There is pretty much no kind of porn that doesn’t already exist.
So I was trying to come up with a topic for this week’s sex column and I thought maybe I’d write about all the porn that hasn’t been invented yet and I thought for two days straight and all I could come up with was Sleestack porn. So I got on Twitter and I’m all “Having problems coming up with a new kind of porn that doesn’t exist yet and failing miserably. Not sure if that speaks worse about me or the world in general” but then people reminded me of Internet Rule #34 (If it exists, there is porn of it) and also a ton of readers sent me suggestions for porn that doesn’t exist yet. Which was disturbing. Mostly because a lot of that porn does actually already exist. And also because I already knew that it existed even without googling it. But still, the porn suggestions were so completely awesome/baffling that I decided to share my Top-37-Porn-Genre-Suggestions-That-People-Think-Don’t-Exist-But-In-Many-Cases-Actually-Do:
1. “Doing it w/stinging anemones? Underwater? Without a wetsuit? Blindfolded?”
2. “Sloth porn. Their slogan is "When you go slow, you always want mo.”
3. “Doppelganger sex.”
4. “Sex with our parallel universe counterparts.”
5. “Care Bear sex.”
6. “Sex with the Geico Gecko.”
7. “Piñata sex?”
8. “What about troll dolls? Is there troll doll porn?”
9. “I want to paint googly eyes on sex toys and have them go on stop motion adventures. Also, porn.”
10. “Office porn? As in sex with office supplies?”
11. “Tractor porn? Like the big industrial ones? Like John Deere.”
12. “Eskimo on polar bear porn?”
14. “Cornbread fetish porn?”
15. “Historical porn?”
16. “Tree porn, maybe? They do have those gnarly knots.”
17. “Porn with good acting, writing and plot.”
18 “Platypus porn?”
19. “Homo-necro-incestuous-bestiality.”
20. “Two Popes, One Cup.”
21. “What about people with a thing for houseplants? Or something involving latch-hook”
22. “What about math porn (show me your normal distribution) or iPorn (set your handset to vibrate).......sorry.”
23. “Ewok porn.”
24. “Ed McMahon's rapidly chilling body porn? Hurry.”
25. “Try as you might, you will not find lesbian dentist porn on the internet.”
26. “Midgets with power tools wrestling in marmite. Pretty sure it's not been done.”
27. “Men cleaning house. Women everywhere would masturbate themselves into a frenzy.”
28. “Dead puppy porn?”
29. “Turtle porn.”
30. “ ‘Wall-E!’ ‘EV-A!’ robot porn?”
31. “Lego & Tater Tot Porn. Build your own sex toy...with interlinking Tots.”
32. “Lesbian porn featuring toe-thumbs. You're Welcome.”
33-36. “What about Origami porn? Or underwater-in-a-swamp porn? Or Porn with a GPS unit? Or doin' it while crossing the intl. date line porn?”
37. “Two words: Nose Lust.”
And I haven’t looked up all of them because my husband checks my internet history but I will tell you that from my research so far, pretty much all of them exist except “Two Popes, One Cup” (probably because there can never be more than one Pope at a time) and “Homo-necro-incestuous-bestiality” (which I think is when a dead cat makes out with its same-sex cousin). Or at least, *I* couldn’t find it. But probably by the time this is published it will exist because porn exists in a vacuum and so by tonight you can probably order the dead cat porn on VHS. If that’s what you’re into. No judgments. Freak.
Comments
Have you ever seen the TV show White Collar? One of the main characters wears a gps tracking anklet. There's more fanfiction porn of that than there really has a right to be...
California Raisin porn? I'm not even sure exactly what that would be, but it's the first thing that came to mind.
I read this article and could not stop laughing, I had to read some of them outloud to my best friend, we both loved the sloth sex, the men doing chores and the dead cat sex. Ironically after I read her the last part of the last paragraph about dead cat sex, her dog decided to start humping the blanket. Life is funny.