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Secrets of a Sex Writer: Yes, Even Sex Writers and Call Girls Get Jealous

Secrets of a Sex Writer: Yes, Even Sex Writers and Call Girls Get Jealous Anya Garrett
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Recently, I decided to take a break from sex and dating until November, when I turn 36 (but not writing about sex and dating!), and part of my impetus for doing so is to give myself time and space both to work on myself, and to sort out a lot of unresolved feelings and right at the top is jealousy.

  Learning to Deal

For Jon Pressick, Managing Editor of Sexlife Canada, jealousy crops up early on. “When I am getting to know someone and starting to have feelings, I always find myself getting jealous of their past relationships. It has to be at the point where we’ve done more than just chat or even fuck a few times. When I think this is going to go somewhere, I hear stories of the past and I get panicked and nervous, nauseated and fearful. Thoughts run through my head like ‘how could you have done that?’ when I hear of past lovers,” he explains.

In my last relationship, I was often jealous because my boyfriend had a seemingly endless stream of female friends. I was sure that at least some of them were after him, and only after meeting them in person and seeing how they interacted with him did I understand that theirs were, in most cases, totally platonic relationships. There are gray areas though, where someone wouldn’t necessarily cheat or hook up, but where a friendship has flirting overtones. I have a few of those myself, and I can see that even a flirty comment can be misinterpreted.

Emotions aren’t rational, of course, and perhaps jealousy is one of the most irrational of all. For me that’s especially true because if I were in a relationship, I think I’d be okay with the person having a limited amount of sexual contact with someone else, as long as I was aware and involved (if I wanted to be). Ultimately, though, I can only be me, and there are going to be plenty of other people out there who are, well, them. It’s hard to break my go-to way of thinking, which tells me that even someone who’s totally into me today is going to want them over me tomorrow.

On the blog Misadventures in Atlanta, a lot of commenters attribute jealousy to the jealous person’s insecurities, and in my case, I’d say that’s true. It’s why I’m removing myself from situations in which I could be jealous so I can bolster the areas of my life I feel make me lacking in the future-good-girlfriend area. Still, I could weigh 120 pounds, have a spotless home, be multiply-orgasmic, get completely out of debt and learn how to cook gourmet meals, and still feel inadequate. It’s not just a matter of facing my insecurities and flaws, but a persistent sense that I am not worthy enough of having someone devote themselves to me and me alone. I don’t think I’ll ever be the type who’s not jealous at all, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Jealousy can be a double-edged sword. It can be flattering, or it can be smothering. I don’t want to be so possessive that I drive any future mate away, but I can’t help it that jealousy is a fundamental part of who I am. The only times I’m not jealous at all are when I’m not that into the person. When I fall hard, I want them all for myself; I don’t mean being together 24/7 or not having outside lives, but being the primary person in their life, having someone to share the big things and the daily minutiae. I’m taking this time for myself to work on myself so my jealousy is more of a calm, quiet pet, perhaps with the occasional bark, than the proverbial green-eyed monster waiting to attack.

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