She Comes First - erotic book by Regan Books - review by Polyserena

The author, Ian Kerner, recommends techniques that he knows work. This book is not an encyclopaedia of sexual positions or things to try. He presents a book about how to pleasure a woman in way he has found works best from his experience and as a clinical sexologist. He is not uncertain about his position, placing the clitoris in the number one spot for female sexual pleasure. He emphasises the potential of cunnilingus to be the most pleasurable sexual experience for women. Although he does touch on sexual positions, most of the book is focused on cunnilingus. And then he tells how its done. And not in the sensationalist way that some webzine articles tend to do it, but in a way that ensures the comfort and safety and pleasure of both people. He places cunnilingus as a core activity (coreplay), rather than foreplay as it is often ascribed. However Kerner does largely discount the more unusual positions for cunnilingus as just fun foreplay to turn on the mind, favouring a woman on back position for best technical ability and the physiological ability for the woman to come. However there is enough detail in just this position.(He also introduces a term “moreplay”, which refers to the womans capacity to go back for more after she has orgasmed).


The book is presented in two parts. The first details practically everything a man needs to know about her sexual response and anatomy. Compared with other books he does downplay the pleasure from the g-spot and ejaculation in the female sexual response. From my standpoint that is fine. Even though I am an occasional ejaculator and enjoy it, I don’t want a guy pressuring me to squirt on him just to prove I have come. However in part 2 he instructs how to intensify cunnilingus by placing simultaneous pressure on the g spot, so the g spot is not altogether neglected, just placed in the context of the clitoris.


The section on sexual anatomy is thorough and explains with good detail the types of touches that feel good in particular areas. It describes more points on and within the vulva than I knew there were names for. I can imagine it would be a great idea for both parties to read this section so that you can have a shared vocabulary to communicate what felt good and where after the moment has passed.


There is a lot of emphasis on recognising female arousal and orgasm in this book. Guys might enjoy the tips on how to recognise an orgasm or pick up on subtle clues that she might be faking. This book gives some timeframes for play, both at the minimum and maximum ends of play, and approximate time guides for women to move from one state of arousal to the next. I feel that these timeframes are realistic and as a man pleasuring a woman I would probably appreciate this guidance. He also teaches men how to recognise the womans state of arousal by her genitals to give cues for what might be an appropriate touch. (These touches have very interesting names by the way, like the “Jackson Pollock lick”). In fact the structure of the second section is partially based upon stages in the female’s sexual response. I wholeheartedly approve that he has attempted to debunk the myth that all women scream and thrash during an orgasm, and that that lubrication is always correlated to arousal. I do wonder if he places too much emphasis on vaginal contractions in his explanations though. My orgasms can be very different and I don’t feel contractions with all of them. Neither I or my boyfriend have used any of the techniques in this book yet, so I can’t tell for sure how his techniques will work out for us (I’m by far the faster reader between the two of us). Mostly I see his advice as being very well informed and realistic so I see no reason why it would not be effective.


In the end this is a great book for guys. Men do want to show off their skills in bed and this book really does equip them with core knowledge as well as coaching them in etiquette and female psychology. It also tells them what I imagine they really want to know. It even discusses premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Cunnilingus is one of those areas where most women are at a severe disadvantage in telling the man exactly what they want down there. This is therefore a much needed book.

Well none of the techniques have been tried out just yet, but I would like to say somthing about my experience as a woman reader.

Women who read this book may gain a little more knowledge about their own sexual anatomy, and could feel better about having cunnilingus performed on them if it makes them feel uncomfortable. There is a section in the appendixes about women experiencing cunnilingus for the first time. I had the feeling that the author, Ian Kerner, genuinely loved writing this book, which also made it a pleasure for me to read. To me his style of writing is also seems very refined. His love of cunnilingus is also evident through his writing, at one point even suggesting wine matches to enhance the experience (He is also sure to remind the men to share the wine with their ladies). It’s nice to know he enjoys it.

I felt that women were treated with the utmost respect, and he explained the 'womens eye view' of sex very well. There's hardly anything I'd want to add, except that I think partners should be encouraged to communicate about this stuff too. I think it would be a whole lot easier to communicate about sex with someone who has read this book.