A few weeks ago I did a post on the most horrific holiday gifts that you should never buy for anyone ever, but then people were all: “But if I have to take back the mutilated edible boobies then what can I buy my wife?” and so I’ve decided to write a little guide on what your significant other probably wants for Christmas. Because I’m a giver.
What she wants from you for Christmas:
• For you to stop suddenly and look at her like you’re seeing her for the first time and tell her how beautiful she looks in sweatpants.
• A romantic dinner ending with a candle-lit bubble bath for two and sensual foot rub.
• To not have to cook the romantic dinner or clean the tub afterward.
• An antique Victorian locket with a French phrase engraved in it explaining the perfection of her eyes.
• A backrub that doesn’t automatically end in sex.
• Five minutes to herself.
• For you to stop sighing disapprovingly every time you see dishes in the sink because you could clean them yourself if it bothers you so damn much.YOUR ARMS AREN’T BROKEN, ASSHOLE.
THIS ISN’T MY JOB JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A VAGINA. I WORK JUST AS HARD AS YOU AND I WILL STAB YOU IF YOU DON’T STOP HUFFING AT ME.
• For you to forgive her for that outburst and realize that you probably brought that all on yourself and just call and hire a maid service because she totally deserves it.
What he wants from you for Christmas:
• For you to stop acting like a total nutjob.
• Blowjobs.
What she wants from you for Christmas:
• For you to stop suddenly and look at her like you’re seeing her for the first time and tell her how beautiful she looks in sweatpants.
• A romantic dinner ending with a candle-lit bubble bath for two and sensual foot rub.
• To not have to cook the romantic dinner or clean the tub afterward.
• An antique Victorian locket with a French phrase engraved in it explaining the perfection of her eyes.
• A backrub that doesn’t automatically end in sex.
• Five minutes to herself.
• For you to stop sighing disapprovingly every time you see dishes in the sink because you could clean them yourself if it bothers you so damn much.YOUR ARMS AREN’T BROKEN, ASSHOLE.
THIS ISN’T MY JOB JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A VAGINA. I WORK JUST AS HARD AS YOU AND I WILL STAB YOU IF YOU DON’T STOP HUFFING AT ME.
• For you to forgive her for that outburst and realize that you probably brought that all on yourself and just call and hire a maid service because she totally deserves it.
What he wants from you for Christmas:
• For you to stop acting like a total nutjob.
• Blowjobs.
Ohmygod, this list is perfect.
I'm curious if that's your actual sink or just a google picture.
I love this! So amazing.
I'm not sure I can take advice from a woman who puts clean dishes in her sink, does that mean I can continue acting like a nutjob and withholding blowjobs?. BTW I think that washing up brush has had its day. And also BTW its not an act. As you can probably tell.
Merry Christmas to you, thanks for the laugh xxx
Love the third bullet point...and all of them, really. Amazing!
You forgot point number 3 for the guys.. more blowjobs
Merry Christmas Blogess!
Haha, this is so true!
Fucking hell. This was fab
Lol
Is this still good advise to follow if she isn't [i]my[/i] wife?
Perfect. Just perfect.
wait a second.. I do all the cooking and 95% of the dish washing here, I think I deserve to huff from time to time (don't show this to Andie or she'll kill me )
I dunno I think he finds the nut job in me endearing, Perhaps I will replace that one with some great anal sex. I really do like the first one though that is totally sweet.