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  • Em & Lo's Hotscars 2011

    February 09, 2012
    Em & Lo's Hotscars 2011

    In honor of awards season, Em & Lo have determined their own winners (and losers) when it comes to love, romance, sex and sexism in the movies of 2011. Because who really cares about things like “Best Actress” and “Best Supporting Role,” anyway? Bring on the sexy!

    (Beware: there are some spoilers in the categories below.)

    Most Awkward (i.e. Realistic) Sex Scene
    Kristen Wiig and Jon Hamm in Bridesmaids

    Best Depiction of Condom Use During Sex
    No Strings Attached

    Best Male Full Frontal
    Michael Fassbender in Shame

    Worst Male Full Frontal
    The Hangover Part II

    Best Sexual Harassment
    Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids

    Most Unrealistic Sexual Scenario
    Rachel Evan Wood's happy-go-lucky booty call with one dude while preggers with another married man's kid

    Best Young Love
    Like Crazy

    Least Sexy Movie About Sex
    A tie between Shame and A Dangerous Method, both starring Michael Fassbender (poor guy)

    Most Anti-Climactic Sex Scene
    The Twilight Saga: Breaking Yawn Part 1

    Most Offensive Poster
    The Change-Up

    Least Deserving R-Rating
    Beginners (while two hetero adults kissing is perfectly innocent, two gay adults kissing is apparently risque)

    Best Merkin
    Evan Rachel Wood in Mildred Pierce

    Least Romantic Depiction of Paris Ever
    Midnight in Paris

    Gratuitous Nudity as "Art"

    Best Crossdressing
    Albert Knobbs

    Worst Crossdressing
    Jack and Jill

    Best Gay Kiss
    J. Edgar

    Please-Make-It-Stop Ensemble Cast Rom Com
    New Year's Eve

    Best Parody Tagline
    The American version of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo\ ("All the rape, no subtitles")

    Best Case for Contraception
    We Need to Talk About Kevin

    and finally

    The Austin Powers Strategically Placed Cantaloupe Award
    Crazy Stupid Love

    What do you think? On the money? Got some Hotscars suggestions of your own? Let us know!

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  • What Not to Say

    January 03, 2012
    What Not to Say
    If we had to distill our entire body of sex advice into one word, it would probably be this: communicate. Before sex, during sex, after sex — speak up, people!

    It’s the only way to get what you need and want, and to make sure that your partner is getting what they need and want, too. But this doesn’t mean that *all* talk is good. Below is a list of the ten worst things to say during sex, a.k.a. how to kill a good buzz in one sentence or less.

    1. “Who sings this song?”

    We’re big fans of a soundtrack for sex, but the music should be ambiance only. Sure, everyone’s mind wanders during at times, but try to hold that thought and Google the song later. Same goes for singing along to a song during sex — just don’t.

    2. “What?”

    There’s nothing worse than whispering a sordid dirty nothing in your partner’s ear and having them say “What was that?” Some things just don’t bear repeating. Of course, it’s kind of an awkward moment when you know your partner just said something, and you have no idea if it was “Do you know how hot you make me?” or “Can I put this in your butt?” Try something a little more subtle than “Huh?” though, such as, “Say that again” in your huskiest voice.

    3. “My ex did this awesome thing with my nipples...”

    It’s okay to ask your partner to do something awesome that your ex once did. Just try and be a bit subtle about it. No names, genius. And no instructions so bossy and precise that it’s clear you’re trying to replicate a moment. Guide your partner there gently.

    4. “No, not like that!”

    Speaking of: When you’re directing your partner, speak in positives unless something really hurts or your partner just doesn’t get it. Tell them, specifically, what to do, rather than what *not* to do. Enthuse loudly when they get it right and guide them with your hands and body when they don’t.

    5. “Deeper!”

    Ladies, we hope we don’t need to explain why this is a terrible thing to say in bed. Say harder, say faster, say more, say fuck me...say anything else.

    6. “Is that pee?”

    Unless you’re both so drunk that you can’t see straight, chances are the lady ejaculated.

    7. “This never happens” or “Huh, that usually works.”

    Whether you’re a man with a flagging erection or a woman who’s not climaxing in her usual way, try not to imply that your partner — being the only variable in the equation — is the problem. You may not mean this, but they’ll probably hear it that way.

    8. "Ew."

    Bodies are gross. They're hairy, they get zits, they make impolite noises and smells — and we're just talking about the ladies! This is a fact of life for all humans, except perhaps for those genetic freaks who can make a living as professional models — and even they are airbrushed! When you and another person get naked together, loosen up, start sweating, and do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel, you might see, hear, and smell some uncivilized things. Don't make a big deal about it. Don't point and laugh. And if you're the culprit, don't do a Dutch oven.

    9. “I don’t mind.”

    This is a terrible answer to the question, “What do you want to do tonight?” — at least in the early stages of dating — and it’s always a terrible answer to the question, “What do you want me to do to you?” Have an opinion, have a suggestion, or at least have an adjective at the ready (hard, fast, gentle, naughty, whatever).

    10. “Did you come?”

    If you have to ask…

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  • Ten Holiday Wish List Ideas

    December 06, 2011
    Ten Holiday Wish List Ideas
    It’s that time of year again! When we struggle to find great, unique, interesting, compelling, and, yes, practical gifts for our loved ones,

    especially our romantically loved ones. Slippers are great, but sex toys are better. As long as you make quality, beauty and safety your main priorities, you can’t go wrong with a pleasure object (unless you’re in a relationship with a religious neo-con, i.e. one of the few ones who don’t have a secret gimp suit hidden under their bed). Here are ten of our favorites — pick the one that’s right for your sexy Santa or your own nicely naughty wish list:

    1. Lelo’s Insignia line
    — Talk about geek love. This is the first line of vibrating toys that allows you or your partner to control the sensations wirelessly with just the tilt of a hand using iPhone and Wii technology. Choose between an egg, a love ring, or a couple’s massager — all are waterproof, non-porous and phthalate free.

    2. Jimmyjane Iconic Collection
    - This company took the best, most popular vibrators that ever existed, made them out of hygienic, non-porous, phthalate-free material (unlike all their knockoffs) and gave them all a cool design touch by making them all white. They’ve got all the great sex toy bases covered: there’s a love ring, a bullet, a wand, a rabbit, a pocket rocket, to name a few — all of which are super affordable for such a high-end brand! If you or someone you love has a subscription to I.D. magazine and uses a Herman Miller chair at work, then this set will make a great indulgent treat.

    3. Holiday Duckie Ball — The vibrating duckie is a classic: waterproof, powerful, discreet and non-threatening. You can make it even more adorable — and thus less likely to offend — by opting for the Santa-suited duckie in the ornament ball. The little yellow vibe made of PVC, which keeps the price down, but at least it’s phthalate-free PVC! (There’s also a gold duckie holiday ball, too.)

    4. Metal Worx — Stainless steel is a natural, hygienic, easy to clean material. Plus, it just looks super cool and shiny (thank you, hand polishing!). Even the most homophobic, tool-loving, man’s man would have a hard time turning down the Teazer probe — especially if you gave it to him under the mistletoe.

    5. Lelo’s Intima Collection — If your partner has a secret kinky side but also a fashion sense that won’t abide pleather and chunky silver chains, you can give them a kinder, gentler BDSM experience with Lelo’s elegant and sensual wrist ties, blindfolds and feather teasers. The deep red color of these bedroom accessories is perfect for the holidays.

    6. Tenga - Forget the Fleshlight. Let’s class it up this Christmas for the porn connoisseur in your life and opt for “onacups” (onanism cups) with a sense of design and style. You can even get a cute little Tenga hole warmer to stick in their stocking.

    7. Smartballs Kit — Have a friend who is going to have a baby? Or just had one? Help get her pelvic floor (back) in shape with a Smartballs kit from Fun Factory, the smiley-happy toy manufacturer. Smartballs help tone vaginal muscles to make childbirth easier, get the pelvic floor back in shape after delivery, improve her orgasms, and increase sensation for her baby-daddy. Much better coming from you than her partner. You can choose a red Teneo Uno and a green Teneo Duo for the holidays!

    8. Garden of Edo Organic Collection — If you’re going to pamper your Pookie (we’re talking about a loved one, not a body part here) with a collection of massage oils and bath salts, make it thrice as nice by opting for a brand that’s certified organic and erotically inclined.

    9. Kimono Condoms — Safer sex is always in season. And condoms are the perfect “stockings” to stuff in your friend or lover’s stocking! Kimono Microthins are the thinnest condom available in the US — 20 percent thinner than normal condoms! They’re natural latex rubber and animal-product-free.

    10. Candy Cane — This one won’t give your sweet-toothed sweetheart a cavity. Or any other ailments, for that matter, since tempered glass is one of the safest materials out there when it comes to toys: it’s non-porous and phthalate-free. Hide it in a Holiday Hide a Gift Pillow so you can play Secret Santa when you two cozy up by the fire.

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  • Googling The One Who Got Away

    November 01, 2011
    Googling The One Who Got Away
    Before Facebook, MySpace, Google, et al, the “one who got away” (OWGA) was rarely more than a passing daydream — or a handy bit of masturbation material.

    Sure, someone might have eagerly looked forward to their ten-year high school reunion and they might have spent a little longer picking out an outfit before hitting the mall over the holidays while home visiting parents — but the idea of actually PURSUING an OWGA did not exist. And then people got all connected and starting emailing their OWGAs, flirting over IM, suggesting coffee, sexting, cheating on their spouses, leaving their spouses for a grass-is-greener fantasy ...

    The OWGA, in essence, represents regret. Actually, perhaps that’s a little harsh. Rather, the OWGA is the embodiment of “What if?” Dreaming of OWGAs is what happens when someone finds themselves single and/or unhappy (or just a little bored) and starts to rifle through their mental Rolodex. They wonder how their life would have been different if they’d asked out X instead of Y. They wonder, “Maybe I already met my OWGA and was just too stupid to realize it at the time.” They think, “I should have just slept with my OWGA back then and then I’d know what I was or wasn’t missing.” And NOW, thanks to the power of the Internet, they also think, “I wonder if they’re still on the market?”

    So is it a good thing that people can now reach out and, er, TOUCH their OWGA? We’re torn. So we decided to create a pros and cons list to help us make up our minds.

    On the one hand... it’s kind of awesome when YOU are the OWGA that someone else tracks down. Totally flattering.

    But on the other... it does make you think, “Why the hell didn’t they hit on me back then, when I was single and lonely and hating high school?” And the answer is, you weren’t an OWGA back then, that’s why. The urge to merge only really hit them when you transformed, over the years, into a first-class OWGA. Take it as a compliment: we like to think that the truly solid citizens among us all become OWGAs eventually, while the superficial bitchy Heathers of the world fade into obscurity.

    On the one hand... if you’ve never quite been able to shake the idea that you married the wrong person, it can be an incredible relief to discover that your OWGA is a total fuck-up/Republican/drunk.

    But on the other... there goes some awesome masturbation material.

    On the one hand... maybe you DID marry the wrong person, and maybe you SHOULD be with your OWGA.

    But on the other... what if they’re married? With kids. Way to go, home-wrecker.

    On the one hand... being in touch with your OWGA can beef up a lackluster masturbation routine.

    But on the other... it’s a slippery slope. Sure, your partner might be cool with your fantasy life, but would they really want you IM-ing with your fantasy?

    Who knows which side wins? And actually, it won’t matter for much longer anyway. Because we are the last generation with the privilege of losing touch with people. The current generation grew up on Facebook. They’ll never lose touch with anyone! So that misguided haircut — not to mention all those ill-advised one-night stands — will stay with them forever. The OWGA is a dying breed, and — call us hopeless romantics — we’ll miss them. Or, at least, the IDEA of them.

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