Mismatched Libidos: My Solid Relationship Advice To Save Your Sex Life

Thinking of giving up on your sex life because you and your bae have different sex drives? Not so fast! With this guide and my foolproof relationship advice, you will fix mismatched libidos and savor your sex life once and for all.

"You never want sex when I do!" or "You never want sex at all!" "Our relationship is going nowhere." This kind of desperation is all too familiar to me because there was a time in my life when my libido was nearly nonexistent — buried under the weight of workplace stress, household chores, and health issues. When I woke up one day trying to remember the last time my husband, Tony, and I had sex, to my horror, I realized it had been nearly an entire year! It was a real wake-up call, and we eventually managed to get our sex life back on track. But then, Tony experienced his own challenging phase, emotionally and physically, and his sex drive took a nosedive. The result was two more nearly sexless years of marriage. I was thinking divorce, and frankly, so was he.

Fortunately, we loved each other enough to turn things around. It took time, research, and a lot of sexual experimentation, but today, I’m happy to report that our sexual relationship stronger than ever. We learned that the problem of mismatched libidos is one you can solve. I can tell you from personal experience, if you and your partner continue to let unbalanced sex drives keep you from having the fulfillment you deserve and desire, and you don’t try to fix things, you’re just killing your relationship a little bit more each and every day.

If you don’t want to wind up trapped in an unhappy, sexless marriage, I can help. Just follow my guidelines and I’ll teach you to recognize the signs of mismatched libidos, explain the reasons for low and high libidos in both men and women, and — relying on my personal experience — give you the essential key to igniting the passion of "equal power" as a couple.

Mismatched sex drives don’t have to be a deal-breaker if you turn the impasse into an opportunity to reboot and rebuild a better sex life for both of you.

Mismatched libidos: what does it mean and what are the signs?

If you think you and your SO have mismatched libidos, try this simple exercise I call the "SO Sex Ratio." On a scale of one to 10, write down how sexual you’d rate yourself, and how sexual you rate your partner. Have them do the same. If you and your sweetie’s results are similar, and there’s a gap between the numbers of more than three points, it likely means your libidos don’t align. The first step in bridging the gap over this libidinal abyss is to uncover the underlying causes of high and low libido.

33% of women,
15% of men

in the USA are suffering
from a low sex drive.

Source: webmd.com

What are the reasons for low libido?

The reasons for low libido in men are different from those in women. For guys, a little novelty in the bedroom can be enough to boost the sex drive, but women’s sex drives are tied to feelings. Lack of trust/emotional closeness or unresolved conflicts with our partners diminish our desire, but there are several common factors that can potentially lead to a low sex drive:

Women’s Reasons For Low Libido:

  • Fatigue and stress
  • Lack of sexual confidence
  • Hormonal imbalance (In this case, it’s a good idea to visit a doctor and get the right treatment.)

Tips:

  • 1-2 doses of self-love every day. Go to the spa, get a manicure, practice yoga.
  • Spend 20 minutes every day training your body to climax faster. If you are eager to try, discover our best clitoral stimulators.
  • Use lube to relieve dryness that can make sex uncomfortable. Check out our listing with the best personal lubricants.

Men’s Reasons For Low Libido:

  • Unhealthy diet
  • Lack of physical activity
  • Sexual partner seems unattractive/lack of emotional connection

Tips:

  • Consume aphrodisiac foods
  • Combine fitness workout 2-3 times a week with regular perineum massage to increase genital blood flow. Find the most ergonomic prostate massagers in our listing.
  • Devote time to spontaneous hugs and kisses to become emotionally in tune with your SO. Add the spark and build the romance diving in our romantic sex guide.
27 to 45

are the ages when women fantasize about sex the most and are the most sexually active

Source: “The Evolution of Personality and Individual Differences”

What causes an overactive libido?

For many years, Tony traditionally took on the role of initiator in our bedroom, but as time went by, I noticed my desire, as well as my orgasmic potential had been growing. The truth is, that while men’s sexual interest peaks in their early adult years (18-25), women in their 30-40s are more lustful than younger ones. Of course, there are other variables, such as:

High Libido In Women:

  • Hormonal fluctuations
  • Ovulation/menstruation

Tips:

High Libido In Men:

  • Increased testosterone level
  • Porn addiction

Tips:

  • Drink spearmint and licorice tea to reduce testosterone levels
  • Discover new pathways to orgasm during masturbation. If you wonder how — see the most arousing masturbators for men here
  • Find a new hobby for distraction

My three steps to reach sexual harmony with mismatched libidos

Relationship Advice #1: Say "Hello" to sexy you

The journey to a happy sex life begins with you. Take the time you need to remind your body of the sweetness of self-indulgence. Rediscover masturbation. With every mind-bending climax, you’ll learn how to ignite and fulfill your own erotic impulses. You’ll discover your body’s hot spots and what it takes to maximize your pleasure. Once you know what works best for you, it will be easier to share your discoveries with your loved one, leading to heightened intimacy and mutual excitement.

I Recommend

To make your sex drive stronger, when you masturbate, wait as long as you can for the "Big O." By putting off release, your body will begin to crave sex more, erotic tension will build, and your pleasure points will become more sensitized to desire.

Relationship Advice #2: Balance your needs with his

Taking your partner’s needs into consideration isn’t capitulation, it’s compromise. After all, the goal is to make love, not war. Communicate! Communicate! Communicate! Once you to discover a happy medium, both of your libidos can find true satisfaction.

  • What a partner with a high sex drive can do for their SO:
    Put both your imaginations to work: Encourage your loved one to fantasize more, while you think of ways to make sex for them more interesting. Use the power of hormones. An uninterrupted 30-second kiss and a passionate 30-second full-body hug release feel-good endorphins and oxytocin. The better your partner feels, the more likely you’ll be both enjoy a night of orgasmic frenzy.
  • What a partner with a low sex drive can do for their SO:
    Help them to separate being horny from actually wanting to have sex. Focus on quality rather than quantity. Be respectful of your partner’s high sex drive, even if you can’t always share it. It’s an expression of how much they love and desire you.

I Recommend

Enjoy the 30-Day Sex Challenge. Engage in intimacy at least once a day for a month. No cheating! Keep going unless you face a force majeure. This game may seem very simple, but it’s an extremely effective method for building new "sex habits."

Relationship Advice #3: Activate sexual reload

If you want to break that vicious "pursuer-distancer" cycle forever, try switching up roles. Empathy leads to greater understanding. The partner with low libido can experience what it’s like to enjoy the pleasures of pursuit, while by playing things low-key, the "enthusiast" can better relate to the needs of the "distancer." To take your understanding to a deeper level, try adding light BDSM to your roleplay — you can start with this exciting guide to spanking, or savor a sensual pegging session — more about pegging you can find here.

I Recommend

If one of you isn’t in the mood, no problem. Try the masturbation technique known as "mastery of the partner’s hand" in which you use their hand as you would a sex toy. You direct the action and the pressure. While the receiver enjoys the blissful touch of loving fingers, the giver is getting strong emotional and aesthetic satisfaction.

Extra relationship advice:

1. Schedule Sex. Remember your first dates? You scheduled them, and in fact, you probably scheduled sex, too! The anticipation of "sex dates" can be a huge libido boost for a partner with low sex drive, especially if you strive to keep things consistent.

2. Avoid Sexual Labels. Words are powerful. Using phrases like, "My partner is a sex maniac!" or "My spouse is frigid!" can be very damaging. Change your dialogue to: "My partner needs my love and care. I want to make our sex life better."

3. Add Variety To Your Sex Menu. Whether it’s soft touching, sharing erotic fantasies, or mutual masturbation, adding new "delicacies" to your sex menu will awaken mutual sexual interests for both of you.

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