Burning Down the House

C'mon, you know the song...

Hold tight, wait till the party's over,
(So you can try to scrub hardened wax off of your skin.)
Hold tight, we're in for nasty weather.
(Is it just me or is it raining stinky massage oil?)
There has got to be a way
(to avoid)
Burning down the house...

Okay, I may have altered the lyrics a little. But really.

I was very excited to try the Blazin' Bitch Black Cherry massage candle from Classic Erotica, the makers of the famous Coochy shave cream. I loooove candles and massages, so I've been eyeballing the various massage oil candles on the market for a long time. This was my first experience with a massage candle and I sincerely hope that there are ones that are better executed than this one. Massage candles are primarily intended to lend a bit of ambiance to your sensual partnered play, while simultaneously melting the material the candle is made of into a warm, soothing massage oil. I tested it out solo to make sure that it was worth playing with with a partner. It failed miserably.

Unfortunately, this candle's best use...is as a candle.

Ingredients: Soybean oil, coconut oil, hemp seed oil, apricot oil, jojoba oil, avocado oil, fragrance, essential oils, vitamin E, copulandrone, copuline-alike, reconstituted andronone.

Out of curiosity, I also looked up the last three ingredients. According to what I found on PheromoneTalk.com, copulins are not actually pheromones. "In their natural form they are the secretions of the vagina. In their synthetic form they are actually fragrances mostly made up from plant-based musks." I found absolutely no information on what "reconstituted andronone" is...which makes me nervous, personally. If you have allergies to soy, coconut, hemp, or any of the other various oils in this candle, I would avoid burning it and definitely avoid using it as a massage oil.

Inside of the tin, the candle is solid and white. It is made of soy wax, which is very soft and melts at a fairly low temperature. I lit it and it took about ten to fifteen minutes to melt nearly the entire surface of the candle. Pouring this oil from the candle is quite the chore. Since the container is cylindrical, it doesn't have a spout or a corner to help direct the stream of oil and slowly stop the flow. Being unable to control the amount of oil and exactly where it's going to go is a major downfall. It does not stay in place well. It gets absolutely everywhere, including all down the side of the container, where it dries quickly. After a terribly short period at a thin, slippery consistency, the oil hardens again to a sticky, waxy substance. I discuss this more in the Performance section.

Be aware...this candle smells strong. Removing the lid brings forth and overwhelming burst of cherry. I typically hate cherry smell and flavor. This one is not terrible. If the strength was a little more subtle, I'd probably really like it. It's more dark, sensual, and musky than sickeningly sweet and medicinal. They did a fairly good job of not making this candle smell like children's cough syrup. Lighting it results in a noticeable aroma that covers about a six foot radius from the candle. The smell definitely lingers on your skin, but then again...so does the wax itself.

I was a little nervous to pour the melted wax onto my body, not knowing how hot it would be. Instead, I dipped the end of a popsicle stick in the oil and then touched it to my skin. It was definitely warm, but not unbearably hot. I sat on the edge of the tub and poured a small amount onto my lower leg so that I could massage my calves after a long day at work...

The oil was slick and slippery for about ten seconds. I wish I was exaggerating. I'm not even sure it lasted a full ten seconds before becoming sticky and waxy. Unfortunately, I had already rubbed it all over my leg! In the interest of experimenting with how well it washes off, I also applied it to my other leg. First, I tried washing it off with my bare hands, anti-bacterial soap, and water. No go. Washcloth? Barely dented it. I ended up wrecking a loofah just to get enough texture to scrape it all off of my skin. I left the other leg alone until later to see how it would fare if left alone. I had a second skin of thin white wax. It looked like soap scum that had been left in the tub. It stubbornly stayed on my leg throughout the evening until I scraped it off with the damaged loofah.

In summary...This candle falls short in every category except for burning and providing gentle light and aroma, as any normal candle would. It claims to be moisturizing...no. Not a chance. It simply stays on your skin as a thin, waxy film. I didn't notice any moisturizing or absorption into my skin. Pheromones? I don't think so. As I mentioned, it does smell dark and sensual to me, but I was under the impression that pheromones are destroyed at certain temperatures (above 155°F). Cotton and hemp candle wicks burn at approximately 450°F. Bye bye, pheromones.

The product come packaged in a 4 oz. cylindrical metal tin with a burgundy label and white lettering. The top reads "Pheromone soy massage candle - Blazin' Bitch - Black Cherry", with a logo that looks like your typical "tramp stamp" lower back tattoo. A winged heart. I'm not a big fan of the product name or the packaging design...it's not very tasteful and I'm not a big fan of the word "bitch", especially when I'd like to be able to leave this candle out to burn in my apartment! I may end up removing the label, since it's not at all discreet and has a blatant curse word on it. I don't think my grandmother will approve when she comes to visit.

The label on the container reads:

"Our hand-crafted candles are made from natural soy with hemp wicks. Liquefies into a silky-smooth oil for a warm, sensual body massage with pheromones to entice! Caution: tin and ontents may be hot. Keep lit candle out of reach of children and pets. Only burn on a stable, non-flammable surface. Never leave burning candle unattended. Keep wick trimmed to 1/4". If irritation occurs, discontinue use. Sold as an adult novelty item. Intended for adult use only. No animal testing. Made in USA. www.classicerotica.net"

"Light the candle...have your way! Directions for body massage use: Burn candle until partially liquid. Pour or spoon into hand and apply to skin for warm massage."

The packaging really ought to include a spoon or a different shape for pouring the oil neatly. The lid goes on and stays securely but comes off easily when you want to use the candle. I was a little concerned that the metal container would get very hot when the candle was burning. It did become warm, but it didn't get too hot too handle. Please be very careful when you pour. I recommend blowing out the flame beforehand so you don't risk a burn. Relight it again after if you'd still like the flickering candlelight.