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Sleeping With Transboys: A brief how-to on sex with transboys

Sleeping With Transboys: A brief how-to on sex with transboys
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So you've got this new boyfriend, and he's a transman! Or maybe you've just always wanted to hook up with one? What do you do when it comes to sex without offending him? What's going on in his pants? Check this out before you jump in bed!

  Names and pronouns

What should I call you?
Many FtMs have specific titles they like to be referred to, some may seem disrespectful to others. Never ever call a transman a cuntboy (or cboy) without his explicit permission. There is generally a big difference between someone who identifies as a man with a vagina (not all men with vaginas want to be called cuntboys!) and a transman who generally identifies as physically male. FtMs generally prefer to be referred to by male pronouns, but some prefer non-binary pronouns like "ze," "hir," and "they." Every person is different. Make sure you ask your partner what they prefer before you make assumptions.

I've found that the majority of FtMs get very upset when their body parts are referred to as anything other than male, even if they are entirely pre-op/pre-HRT. Never use words like "tits" or "pussy," unless your partner says it's ok. Use general words like "chest" and "downstairs" until you establish what words your partner wants to use. Most FtMs prefer that their clitorises be referred to as "dicks/cocks/dickletts," their vagina as the "front hole" and their breasts as "chest/pecs," but ask to make sure. I personally am comfortable with specific names like clitoris and vulva, but not slang like pussy.

  Physical intimacy

What should I call your body parts?Just like with anyone else, physical intimacy in relationships is important. Kissing, cuddling, stroking, but wait! Stroking? What if you touch the wrong area? How do you know what to go for and what to go around?

Where should I touch?
Just like non-transfolk, there are areas that FtMs aren't comfortable being touched. You probably don't want to stick your finger in someone's backdoor unless you know they like that! Typically, you want to ask long before you ever put your hands on your partner's genitals or chest. Some FtMs prefer to not be touched at all in some areas. Watch out for the hips, nipples and chest, genitals and even the thighs! Some of us are way more comfortable with touching than others, so just make sure to get permission before moving your hand around too much. Your partner may be comfortable with external stimulation of the genitals, but not penetration. Your partner may love penetration, but not with your hands! Does your partner like nipple stimulation? Does your partner only like anal play? Does your partner like to be the only one doing the touching? Ask lots of questions!

Penetration: Yes? No? Always? What??
Just like touching with your hands, all FtMs have different feelings about penetration. Are fingers ok? Are toys ok? Are penises ok? Are mouths ok? Is anal ok but not vaginal? Does he prefer to be the one controlling the penetration? Does he prefer to be the one penetrating YOU? Penetration is a pretty sensitive subject for most FtMs, so make sure to specifically ask before you rush in and kill the mood for your partner by shoving your fingers up his front hole.

Binding!
Most FtMs are very self conscious about their chests and choose to bind their breasts, including during sexual play. Ask your partner if it's ok for you to rub their chest while it's bound, or just avoid the area entirely. Respect their need to wear a binder for their own mental comfort, and never ask them to remove it unless they are experiencing discomfort. If your partner wants to remove their binder, be extremely respectful of their breasts. It's best to ignore them unless your partner says otherwise. Acting like there is nothing there will often make us feel more confident!

Top or bottom?
While most FtMs are somewhat masculine, not all prefer the stereotypical masculine role in bed, but don't assume that just because your partner is physically female that they will be submissive or want to be topped! Many FtMs prefer to use strap-ons, strapless strap-ons and in general be the dominant one, but make sure to ask before you get your hopes up for anything specific.

Micropenises/dickletts/enlarged clitorises
Stimulating an enlarged clitoris or micropenis can be done in a number of ways, such as stroking it like a penis (if it's large enough), rubbing it like a clit, using a variety of toys to stimulate it, or if it is large enough and/or they have had a metoidioplasty, some penetration can happen. Especially with guys who regularly pump, micropenises can become hard enough to penetrate tight toys and even a partner since the clitoris can become erect, just like a standard penis. Ask your partner what he prefers for stimulation and be open to toys assisting him. Strap-ons, Feeldoes (and other strapless strap-ons) and toys are often vital parts of sleeping with a transman, and many feel that the toys are an extension of themselves to help simulate what they currently lack. Treating his strap-on/Feeldoe/toy like a normal penis by imitating blow jobs and stroking it can be a massive turn on for many FtMs. Treat him like a normal male and he will be more confident in bed! Sleeping with FtMs is largely about making sure they're confident with themselves, and the more confident they are, the better the performance.

I'm straight/gay and dating/sleeping with a transman. What do I do about my body/genital preferences?
If you are heavily into breasts, this is probably going to make your partner uncomfortable. Comparing us to ciswomen will most likely make your partner feel like you're only attracted to them for their current body, or you don't like their body at all. Please don't! Comparing us to cismen can also make us self conscious. Many of us experience extreme body dysphoria and it can be a huge turn off to be compared to something we want but don't have yet, or in some cases, can't have. Being attracted to our bodies as they are currently makes us feel wonderful, and even if you aren't entirely, be respectful of our trans-ness!

  So...are you female or male?

This is a tough question to answer because the possibilities are endless. Many FtMs fall outside of the male/female binary physically. Male and female, while they typically describe physical sexes, can also describe an identity. Someone who is female bodied may call their body male because of this regardless of their biologically assigned sex.

An FtM may be entirely female bodied, with breasts, hips, a vagina and a female build. This is often referred to as "pre-op" or "non-op," meaning their body has not yet undergone surgery, or they don't plan to have any surgeries. An FtM may have a very masculine body and have gone through HRT, he may have a beard, body hair, a masculine build and an enlarged clitoris/micropenis. An FtM may have entirely undergone HRT and all of his desired surgeries to where he is physically, but not biologically male. FtM genitals may range from normal female genitalia, to enlarged clitorises/micropenises, to post-metoidioplasty (where a small penis is surgically created from the clitoris and labia), to entirely male (with a penis capable of getting erect and implanted testicles) with the vagina intact or semi intact, or completely gone. Asking "are you male or female" may not get your curiosity any answers. It's better to ask what they are like after you've both become comfortable asking highly personal questions like that. Again, be careful about who and when you ask this question to. It's not much different than just walking up to a woman and asking what her labia look like!

  In the end...

The main thing about dating and sleeping with transmen is respecting who they are and what they physically are right now. Some FtMs are comfortable being fetishized and see it as a compliment. Some aren't and find it disrespectful. Either way, ask questions and make sure your partner is comfortable and make your partner feel good about themselves! They will do the same for you. A comfortable, respectful couple will have way better sex than a couple who hides things from each other and disrespects boundaries. Educate yourself on trans issues, terminology, and anatomy as much as you can, through asking your partner or researching online. Eden has a wonderful "Transgendered Issues" forum full of helpful FtMs that can answer any questions you have about the general preferences of transmen in the bedroom, or just questions about us as a whole.

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Comments

Bex1331  

Thanks for the article, I feel like people have so many questions about the transfer community and come off as being disrespectful when it's really just their own ignorance

10/16/2012

great down to earth honest article! thank you for sharing.

10/16/2012

i think this is an awesome article and though I personally have not been lucky enough to meet a transguy that I have had an opportunity to be with, I certainly am open to it and will keep this article for reference- though I would probably ask him to read with me. thankyou!

10/16/2012

Great article and has helped clear up some of my confusion. Thanks!

10/17/2012

this does a great job at explaining all the important aspects of being intimate with a transman. great job!

10/17/2012

Amazing article! Everything you said was so clear and helpful. Definitely a great read for anyone who has questions and isn't sure who or how to ask.

10/18/2012

I love this article since I am a transman myself this topic is always hard to think of when it comes to sex

10/19/2012

What a wonderfully informative article

I really appreciate the education!

10/25/2012

Biological male still infers that biology is "real" and more legitimate. Cis male is/would be a better definer.

10/25/2012
MadeOfJade  

This was extremely helpful.
Answered so many of my questions, especially the ones that I had avoided while in my past relationships with FtMs

10/27/2012

Great article! Very informative, thanks for spreading some knowledge

10/29/2012

Yea as a transguy I prefer the term cismale over biomale. Maybe the topic of consent could have been mentioned Overall i loved the article!

10/30/2012

really useful article

11/26/2012

this is a very helpful article. my bf and i both ran across this article when we first started dating, and it helped open up dialogue. it was a good starting point to ask questions about his boundaries and comfort levels. In the section on touching, i love that you started it off with "just like non-transfolk".. because in any new relationship it takes time and communication to find out what each person does and does not like.

01/08/2013

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