The Hitachi wand is the stuff of sex myths, and for damn good reason. It is unquestionably one of the most recognizable sex toys out there, pervasive in both pornography and the common toy stash alike. You could use it like the chaste, smiling people on the campy box cover and massage your muscles, but the wholesome facade isn't needed here. You want to come and you want it five minutes ago.

This is not intended to be a toy suitable for insertion, so bodily use is limited to external areas only. While you could use this on the nipples or external surface of the anus for some intense and possibly torturous play, this toy hits its stride when you use it on the clitoris. Please bear in mind that when I say "hits its stride", I'm being mild; this thing will take you from zero to 'out of your mind' you in record time, so keep a pillow handy for the screaming you're inevitably going to be doing.

This isn't just exaggeration, either. According to the Wikipedia page on the Hitachi wand, there was research done recently that showed that 93% of women who previously had never had an orgasm were able to achieve one with this toy. Whether you're currently anorgasmic, need a metric shit-ton of power in a vibrator, or if you're into forced orgasm, you're welcome!

The wand is made of a sturdy plastic that has plenty of heft. The business end, the somewhat spherical ball you actually touch yourself with, is a textured, rubberized material. When pressed hard against your body or pinched between two fingers, the head does have some give. It has no perceptible smell or taste whatsoever.

The texture is a fine, pebbled feel that I did find to be problematic. If you are a reader who shaves your pubic region, especially if you are an unfortunate soul like myself who has sensitive skin, you may want to strongly consider investing in a sleeve. Because of the power of the toy and this texture, you will occasionally feel a sharp sting in areas that you have recently shaven. Maybe it's the vibrator's way of giving you a friendly, "Great job on shaving!", but I'm going to assume that it's just an unfortunate con of the design.

If you don't want to get a sleeve, you might also consider putting a thin sheet, washcloth, or other material between you and the vibrator. This will help take some of the edge off, and if you're at all worried about losing some of the vibrations this way, all I can do is laugh and shake my head sadly at you. You couldn't dream stop this thing just short of backing over it with a car.

The Hitachi Magic Wand is seriously the size of my arm from elbow to palm. There's a decent chance you could kill anyone who tried to break into your house from its size and heft alone. It does have a bit of weight to it, so it requires almost no pressure on your part to get the full range of vibrations. At first I was dismayed by the monstrous size of the wand, but it turns out to be a bit of a blessing in disguise - you don't have to strain your arms or wrists to keep it placed and it is also comfortable to use on a partner.

The bulb on the end is large enough that you don't need pinpoint accuracy. The vibrations are distributed evenly throughout the head, meaning no weaker or 'dead' zones where you won't be able to feel anything at all. For those who like to masturbate or have sex while laying on their belly, the large head lends itself well to being able to rub yourself against it as needed.

All that having been said, this is one of the least discreet toys you could possibly own. You would probably need to declare it as a lethal weapon on an airplane and because it requires you to plug it into the wall, and you have better odds of thwarting hijack attempts with it before you have the chance to use it in secret. You can pass it off as its real intended use if needed and tell people it's a muscle massage tool, but don't presume to think anyone is actually fooled so much as trying to save face for you.

Because this toy not only has a larger and more powerful motor, but also draws off of electricity instead of a battery, the vibrations are deeper, stronger, and more of a 'rumble' rather than a 'buzz'. If you absolutely need pinpoint vibrations, you will either need to get yourself a sleeve or choose another toy entirely, as the bulbous head is quite large and hits a general area.

The controls may as well be labeled "Oh shit", "Holy shit", and "Off" - the low setting is still beyond the highest of a lot of standard battery-operated toys. When rating the power of a Hitachi wand, it is on a scale all its own as other vibrators shrink away and wilt in its shadow.

The noise isn't as bad as I expected it to be, but it still completely lacks discretion. If you're in a dorm, you're going to want your roommate gone for the day (who am I kidding? Make that the weekend) before you use this. You might be able to mask the noise by using it under the covers, with music playing, and maybe some white noise on top for good measure, but you're better off if you're in an environment where you can use it relatively unrestrained. I'm sure if you masturbate while there's an aircraft landing on your roof, you might be completely in the clear.

This is not a toy meant for insertion, which means most of the toy stays clean. It is not waterproof, so take care not to submerge it in water for any length of time. I shouldn't have to say it, but make sure it's turned off and unplugged before you clean it to avoid any disaster.

Simply use a damp washcloth and soap/toy cleaner or your favorite wipes to get the toy clean and wipe the body of the toy down as needed. It will not turn into a lint roller like some toys, so you're safe stashing this anywhere you need.

The box this wand comes in is hilariously camp, looking like something straight out of the 90s. The Puritanical men and women on the box smile and use it to soothe their muscles after a long day at the gym, and I'm sure their 'Leave it to Beaver' fantasy-land would be simply crushed if they knew you were using their relaxing massage tool for unspeakable things.

One thing I can say for sure is that the box is perfect to store your wand separately from your other toys. Come to think of it, the innocent packaging may even be defensible if someone happened to see it in your drawer by accident.