How To Make BDSM Play Safe, Sane, And Consensual

While the common question of all BDSM beginners is, "Is this normal?" we answer it with another question - "Is sexual exploration normal?" If you are ready for hot discoverings, read on this guide and learn how to make your BDSM session absolutely safe and consensual, see how to pick the best BDSM safe word, and make the words BDSM, Safety and Consent the synonyms.

Consent and communication are the most important concepts in BDSM. All activity that goes on during your play must be CONSENSUAL so that you can enjoy the experience and trust each other. Whether you play as a Dom or Sub, Top or Bottom, always communicate to your partner(s) about your fantasies, your likes, your dislikes.

Before starting a BDSM session, make sure it's "SAFE, SANE, and CONSENSUAL".

Safe, Sane, And Consensual (SSC)

Safe, Sane, And Consensual (SSC)

Safe BDSM Play

Safe play means you will not injure or bring physical harm to the partner and yourself. Don't let it discourage you if you are into rougher forms of play such as spanking and flogging. It just means you should know your limits as well as the limits of your partner.

If you're a Dom, and your Sub asks to lay another spank of a paddle on them, keep a grasp of what they are truly capable of handling. A player sometimes gets so caught up in a BDSM activity that he/she enters a trance-like state or a state of unrealistic euphoria called "flying." This feeling can be caused by a combination of rushing endorphins or the intensity of the experience. This mystical or trance-like experience is why BDSM is sometimes referred to as Sexual Magic. It feels wonderful, but if you want to keep the activities safe, you should constantly check-in with one other. Read this forum discussion to see what activities our contributors consider the most pleasurable and safe.

Sane BDSM Play

In reference to BDSM, sane play means understanding the person you are playing with. You do not want to do or say anything to harm each other emotionally or psychologically. Humiliation is a part of some Domination and Submission play; this is fine as long as the person receiving this type of play consents to the aspects of his/her life, personality, and appearance becoming a subject of humiliation.

If one player is into "play rape" (relax, this does not mean a desire to be sexually assaulted or assault another person in real life), that player needs to know if another partner accepts that type of play. This brings us back to consent. Want to know what other BDSM players think about sane play? Explore this forum thread where our BDSM connoisseurs draw the line between pain and pleasure.

Sane play also includes staying off booze or drugs - any mind-altering substances that can cloud your judgment are not welcome in a BDSM scene.

Consensual BDSM Play

You must get pre-established, explicit consent on all aspects of a session before anyone begins. It is the responsibility of each player to convey what he/she wants and does not want to happen in a scene. If you are a Dom and you are not sure if your Sub consented to some activity, don't do it - the smallest risks can ruin the scene and your mutual trust. If you need help starting a conversation about your likes and dislikes in the bedroom, check out this guide.

Communication is vital - it's the only way you can get what you want and give what's expected of you.

What Is Safe Word In BDSM?

What Is Safe Word In BDSM?

Pineapple, banana, unicorn - no matter what sounds better for you, just make sure your couple has one. The safe word has extraordinary power - it stops the BDSM play when you want it to be stopped. During BDSM play, a safe word is your emergency brake; it brings the players back into the "real world." If the safe word is spoken, all BDSM play must stop. A BDSM safe word must not be mistaken for playful resistance. Some couples use made-up words that have no other meaning but in the context of power exchange.

There can also be BDSM safe words for slowing down or adjusting the intensity of the play. For example, imagine that a Dom is spanking a Sub. The Dom is increasing the strength of the slaps too fast for the Sub's liking. Then Sub can say "YELLOW" to imply that he/she doesn't want to stop the play, but wants to slow down. If the Sub wanted the Dom to stop completely, he/she could say "RED."

EdenFantasys recommends:

Don't use common words as safe words. If your scene is teacher/student, a safe word like "school" will be confusing.

Classic safe words are "green" - means "go on", "yellow" - means "tone it down", "red" - means "stop now".

If the play involves a gag another sound signal or physical motion can act as a BDSM safe word: a snap of the fingers or tap of the foot. A safe word must always be respected and taken seriously. What is your word? Find the inspiration reading this forum discussion.

Do Your Homework

Here is a great exercise to help open the gates of communication and prepare for BDSM play.

Next time you have sex with your partner, verbally ask him/her for permission for everything little thing you want to do. Then wait for the answer before doing it; the reaction may surprise you. It could lead to some very kinky conversation. Before you engage in any BDSM play, create a list of your Do's and Don'ts. Some people include Maybe's as well, though it's best to store all Maybe's in the Don'ts pile until you are sure about them.

Example Of A Do's And Don'ts List:

Sub Consents To:

  • Being restrained in handcuffs:
    • the cuffs can be linked together.
    • the cuffs can be separated with a spreader bar.
    • the cuffs can be separated by being tied to bedposts.
  • Wearing a blindfold.
  • Light spanking of the butt using the palms of the hands only.
  • Giving and receiving oral sex of the genitals.
  • Penetration of the mouth and vagina using a clean silicone toy or a jelly toy with a condom over it.
  • All restraints must be worn no longer than 15 minutes straight.
  • Short term power exchange (4 hours or less).

Sub Does Not Consent To:

  • Restraining of feet or ankles.
  • Any hitting or striking of the body.
  • Spanking any body part other than the butt.
  • Penetration using anything other than a toy.
  • Penetration of the butt.
  • Using racial slurs.
  • Long term power exchange (more than 4 hours).

Safe Word: Piano

Good luck in your play, and don't forget - stay SAFE, be SANE, get CONSENT.

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