A Break-Up Letter to Astroglide

Oh, Astroglide. I think part of my contempt for you is just resentment at having three different healthcare professionals heartily recommend you to me. I thought for the longest time that it was me, not you. But then one day I finally tried another lubricant and figured out, "Nope, it's definitely you."

Overall I have to say Astroglide is the worst lubricant I've ever had (and I used to use KY Sensitive, which ironically, caused burning.) It does its job, but not without first overpowering any natural smells with its scent, drying out a few times, and finally leaking all over the place.

Astroglide is thin. When you're working with inserting a finger or penis, this isn't as much of a problem, but if you're playing with a toy, this is AWFUL. I was using this to treat vaginismus, which required hard dilators (graduated dildos) and lots of lubrication. My doctors would keep telling me to make sure I used lots of lubricant and would then recommend this. Well, there's only so much you can pile on, and with Astroglide, that amounts to very little. If you have any issues with your vaginal muscles or lubrication, this lube will not cut it.

Astroglide is very easy to pour, but you also have to be careful where you're pouring it because it runs very easily (and will end up all over your sheets if the person shifts.) It is pretty greasy on your hands, so you'll want to have a towel nearby or plan to shower afterward.

It also doesn't last all that long and can become somewhat tacky when it dries.

I don't like the smell of Astroglide and I would never intentionally taste it. There was one point during my treatment when I had been using Astroglide so frequently that I began to confuse it with the smell of my own lubrication - and I was utterly repulsed by it. I was extremely relieved when I finally switched to another lube and realized it was the Astroglide (which completely overpowered any other scents) that I had been smelling.

The smell isn't actually anything bad, but it is not what I want a lubricant to smell like. It may not bother you, but I find it a huge turn-off.

I will say I never had any issues with cleaning up Astroglide. That was probably the only advantage of it not lasting very long. I find its lifespan pretty ridiculous after trying other brands, though. It would dry out while it was still inside me, when my own lubrication should have been reactivating it. It functioned on the most basic level of a lubricant and it's usually cheaper than other lubes, so if you have no problems with pelvic pain or natural lubrication, this will may work fine for you, but if either of those are a concern, I would look for something thicker.

This is where a third of my frustration comes from. This bottle leaks. Everywhere. Even if you thoroughly clean the bottle, put it in a sealed Ziploc bag, stand it upright, and don't disturb it, when you go to open the bag, there will be Astroglide smeared all inside it and all over the bottle. As I mentioned before, it's pretty greasy on your hands, so it becomes a huge, messy endeavor just trying to get a small drop out.

The packaging is very discreet in the sense that there are no images on it, but it does say the name of the brand, which is pretty recognizable.

I am finishing up the last of this lube because it does function and I don't like to waste things, but I will definitely never repurchase any version of Astroglide. There are much better brands on the market and I'm willing to spend a little extra on something that's going inside my body.

Farewell, Astroglide. I hope we never, ever meet again.