The Tepid Royal Kiss, Analyzed

We hate doing this. We really do. But as professional voyeurs, we are compelled to stare at the Royal Kiss of William and Kate and report to you … well, actually, we didn’t see anything worth reporting at all. But other people did. It was not much of a kiss, we thought. But The Daily Beast looked at that kiss, that little two-second peck, up on the balcony of Buckingham Palace, and saw so much more than we did. It’s amazing what they saw! That kiss told us everything about the royal couple’s sex life!

“So just what do the balcony kisses reveal about Kate and Will’s sex life? Are they this boring in bed? Does he always finish that fast? Hardly, I’d guess. … After all, back in 2007, Kate was reportedly spotted purchasing a vibrator at the lingerie and sex shop Ann Summers in London. The newlyweds were on the balcony to do what they were scheduled to do: kiss and wave and smile for the fans. They made no vows to give away any private parts of themselves in front of their nearby parents or the millions of viewers.”

So, I guess that’s what makes us different from real royal watchers and paparazzi and such. We did not stare at The Kiss and go, “Whoa! Cold fish meets vibrator girl! Let’s hope for the best!” and then write about it.

Or maybe we did. Darn. It’s so easy to get sucked into this stuff.