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Tuesdays With Nina: Negotiating a Threesome (or Foursome) with a Reluctant Partner

by Nina Hartley Published: September 06, 2011

Setting up a scene that involves multiple partners and making the space that allows for everyone’s feelings and expectations can be tricky, but it's important to make sure all involved are comfortable and understand the rules if you want to pull it off without acrimony or fostering resentment.

This week, Nina has a letter from a bisexual woman who is very interested in having sex with one of her close female friends. Both women have boyfriends who are excited about the idea, but have what she calls "jealousy issues." Nina offers extensive practical advice on everything from what supplies to have on hand to how to negotiate what goes on and prepare everybody for the best possible experience.

Got something you want to ask Nina? (Of course you do.) Drop her a line at tuesdayswithnina@gmail.com. Now, while we can’t promise that every question received will get a personal response, however, those that do will be answered frankly, entertainingly, enlighteningly and, if we know Nina, in the spirit of happy, healthy sex and a satisfied libido.

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Nina Hartley: For me, sex has been my vocation, my meal ticket, my path to happiness and self-understanding. It’s taken me all over the world: Germany, Sweden, Spain, New Zealand, Canada and Australia. It is my meditation and communion with my husband, Ernest. My interest in sex is unabated by all that I’ve had: I’m always interested in it: watching it, doing it, helping others do it better, listening to others have it, lending a helping hand (quick, more lube!). Since it is a body-based activity, the good that comes from it lasts and lasts and affects other parts of my life. There is always something to learn about oneself through sex, even less-than-satisfying sex.

I don’t have bad sex any more, ever. By making conscious sexuality my mantra, I always get the most out of every sexual experience.

Interviews with Nina Hartley

Nina Hartley, adult film actress, adult film director, sex educator, feminist, and author, celebrates her one year anniversary as SexIs' resident sex advice expert. In an industry where few performers last more than a couple years, what's her secret for nearly 3 decades of success?

Adult Industry Icon Nina Hartley defies the critics of pornography who declare women to be exploited by it, having no choice but to be willing victims. She was well on her way to a career in nursing when she chose a different path, starring in her first adult film in 1984. Her debut performance was in the film Educating Nina, which was produced and directed by the veteran porn star Juliet Anderson (better known as "Aunt Peg"). The film turned out to be the first step in a journey to adult film superstardom. Nearly 30 years later, she has gone on to feature in over 400 first-run adult films, and has become one of the most enduring and recognizable performers in the industry. Nina has been a driving force in the adult industry for nearly three decades as an adult film actress, director, sex educator, feminist and author. She has been a tireless, outspoken advocate for sexual freedom and considers herself a sex-positive feminist who seeks to "educate others from a place of practice and not just theory." Nina has been a visible industry spokesperson who seeks to change negative perceptions of adult entertainment and sex itself. In 1993, she and ten other adult film stars were arrested in Las Vegas for "having a lesbian performance in the front of an audience." She actively supports the Woodhull Foundations whose goal is to promotes sexual freedom as a fundamental human right. She challenges the radical feminist view that the porn industry, by definition, victimizes women—instead, she points out that in her lengthy career, she's seen few examples of coercion of performers on set, and none of a physical nature. "Women have the right of refusal, always, and exercise it." How has the industry changed, since Nina has been began her career? Would she recommend her path to women today? What is the most important lesson she's learned along the way? Join us in welcoming Nina Hartley to the Community Interview in celebration of the 1 year anniversary of Tuesdays With Nina!

Read full interview