Generally, I don’t consider myself the checklist type, at least when it comes to dating. But through trial and error, I’ve certainly figured out what I do and don’t want from my next relationship—which I hope starts…soon, especially with my 35th birthday in November (the 10th, I’m a Scorpio, of course!) looming. So I came up with a wish list of dealmakers, based on what’s worked—and what hasn’t—in the past.
1. Likes Me For Me
Because I write about sex, there are people who think they know me. Or, they think they’re into the person they’ve read about. I tend to avoid people who think they “get me” based solely on my writing. Anyone who thinks that I’m some kind of 24/7 nymphomaniac clearly doesn’t know the first thing about me, and I wouldn’t want to take the time to set them straight.
The flipside is they have to be comfortable with me doing things like reading about giving blowjobs in public and getting naked in the bathtub for a promotional book video or doing performance art involving baring my breasts. I realize that may be easier said than done—and I would never do something that would horrify someone I’m dating, if I can help it.
2. Has a Sense of Humor and Positive Outlook
This should go without saying, but I want someone who likes to laugh. I often get way too stuck in my head and fixated on problems, rather than looking at what I can do to better my life right now. When I’m with someone who also tends to be pessimistic, it can be a horrible downward spiral.
3. Is Doing Something Interesting With Their Life
I work a lot, and have lots of goals and hopes for my career, and want to date someone who can inspire me by what they’re doing. I don’t have a specific requirement as to what that “something interesting” is—they could surf, play in a band, write, run a business, be an athlete, whatever. I’d rather be with someone who invests all their passion and energy into following their heart than someone who just talks about doing that.
4. Lives Near Me
While I’ll be first in line to see the Drew Barrymore/Justin Long flick Going the Distance, I can safely say I’ve had my share of long distance relationships, having dated guys in Austin, San Francisco (twice), Vermont and Atlanta. There are plenty of good things about LDRs but not having someone to curl up next to at night on a regular basis is a major drawback, and in my experience, you miss out on too many key day-to-day moments, even if they’re just silly ones.
5. Wants To Travel With Me
On a similar note, I travel a lot for work, whether to teach erotic writing classes or speak at events, but I also like to travel for fun. I’ve gotten used to solo traveling and, despite having edited The Mile High Club, I don’t think plane travel is usually a sexy experience. I want someone to have adventures outside of New York, and there are certain travel destinations that just aren’t as fun on my own.
6. Is Vulnerable
I want a partner who’s willing to admit when they’re nervous, scared, uncertain, and sad, and not keep those emotions bottled up. I definitely wear my heart on my sleeve and often feel like I reveal too much, whereas what the person I’m dating is thinking is a mystery. Tell me something personal and emotionally revealing, something that shows me the kind of person you are on the inside, and I’ll be yours.
7. Pushes Me To Be a Better Person
I’m the kind of person who learns best by example, and it’s often little things someone does that make me think about how I can be more patient, understanding and helpful. They don’t have to be a do-gooder who’s working at a nonprofit; I’m talking more about the little things, like remembering their parents’ birthdays or changing their plans to help out a friend, or just looking at a given situation from a more compassionate point of view. That may sound a little mushy, but to me, that’s hot.
8. Would Do Well With My Family
I don’t always get along with my family, but they are an important part of my life, and I want someone who can fit in with my far-flung relatives and also, selfishly, make it a little easier on me when I’m around them. That being said, unlike in the past, I think I’ll hold off on having anyone meet the family until we’ve been dating for six months. They can be a lot to take en masse, but they’re very special to me. Bonus points if they have a cool family I can “borrow,” but I’d never reject someone just because they weren’t close with their family.
9. Wants Kids in the Near Future
This one is pretty self-explanatory. My biological clock has been ticking for quite a while now, and feels ready to ring loudly every time I see small children. Of course, there’s more to being a parent than simply the desire to do so, but that is obviously a start. I’m prepared and think it’s fairly likely I’ll actually wind up raising kids solo, but that’s a baseline requirement.
10. Doesn’t Insist on 100 Percent Monogamy
As I wrote in a previous column, I’m not necessarily the type of person who wants to bed new partners often, or even ever, necessarily, but I want that to be an option, even if it’s a limited one, like a once-a-year fling or a threesome, and not have that threaten to ruin the relationship. If I met the right person, this might not even be an issue, but I want someone open-minded enough to consider other options than our culture’s insistence that monogamy automatically equals happiness.
1. Likes Me For Me
Because I write about sex, there are people who think they know me. Or, they think they’re into the person they’ve read about. I tend to avoid people who think they “get me” based solely on my writing. Anyone who thinks that I’m some kind of 24/7 nymphomaniac clearly doesn’t know the first thing about me, and I wouldn’t want to take the time to set them straight.
The flipside is they have to be comfortable with me doing things like reading about giving blowjobs in public and getting naked in the bathtub for a promotional book video or doing performance art involving baring my breasts. I realize that may be easier said than done—and I would never do something that would horrify someone I’m dating, if I can help it.
2. Has a Sense of Humor and Positive Outlook
This should go without saying, but I want someone who likes to laugh. I often get way too stuck in my head and fixated on problems, rather than looking at what I can do to better my life right now. When I’m with someone who also tends to be pessimistic, it can be a horrible downward spiral.
3. Is Doing Something Interesting With Their Life
I work a lot, and have lots of goals and hopes for my career, and want to date someone who can inspire me by what they’re doing. I don’t have a specific requirement as to what that “something interesting” is—they could surf, play in a band, write, run a business, be an athlete, whatever. I’d rather be with someone who invests all their passion and energy into following their heart than someone who just talks about doing that.
4. Lives Near Me
While I’ll be first in line to see the Drew Barrymore/Justin Long flick Going the Distance, I can safely say I’ve had my share of long distance relationships, having dated guys in Austin, San Francisco (twice), Vermont and Atlanta. There are plenty of good things about LDRs but not having someone to curl up next to at night on a regular basis is a major drawback, and in my experience, you miss out on too many key day-to-day moments, even if they’re just silly ones.
5. Wants To Travel With Me
On a similar note, I travel a lot for work, whether to teach erotic writing classes or speak at events, but I also like to travel for fun. I’ve gotten used to solo traveling and, despite having edited The Mile High Club, I don’t think plane travel is usually a sexy experience. I want someone to have adventures outside of New York, and there are certain travel destinations that just aren’t as fun on my own.
6. Is Vulnerable
I want a partner who’s willing to admit when they’re nervous, scared, uncertain, and sad, and not keep those emotions bottled up. I definitely wear my heart on my sleeve and often feel like I reveal too much, whereas what the person I’m dating is thinking is a mystery. Tell me something personal and emotionally revealing, something that shows me the kind of person you are on the inside, and I’ll be yours.
7. Pushes Me To Be a Better Person
I’m the kind of person who learns best by example, and it’s often little things someone does that make me think about how I can be more patient, understanding and helpful. They don’t have to be a do-gooder who’s working at a nonprofit; I’m talking more about the little things, like remembering their parents’ birthdays or changing their plans to help out a friend, or just looking at a given situation from a more compassionate point of view. That may sound a little mushy, but to me, that’s hot.
8. Would Do Well With My Family
I don’t always get along with my family, but they are an important part of my life, and I want someone who can fit in with my far-flung relatives and also, selfishly, make it a little easier on me when I’m around them. That being said, unlike in the past, I think I’ll hold off on having anyone meet the family until we’ve been dating for six months. They can be a lot to take en masse, but they’re very special to me. Bonus points if they have a cool family I can “borrow,” but I’d never reject someone just because they weren’t close with their family.
9. Wants Kids in the Near Future
This one is pretty self-explanatory. My biological clock has been ticking for quite a while now, and feels ready to ring loudly every time I see small children. Of course, there’s more to being a parent than simply the desire to do so, but that is obviously a start. I’m prepared and think it’s fairly likely I’ll actually wind up raising kids solo, but that’s a baseline requirement.
10. Doesn’t Insist on 100 Percent Monogamy
As I wrote in a previous column, I’m not necessarily the type of person who wants to bed new partners often, or even ever, necessarily, but I want that to be an option, even if it’s a limited one, like a once-a-year fling or a threesome, and not have that threaten to ruin the relationship. If I met the right person, this might not even be an issue, but I want someone open-minded enough to consider other options than our culture’s insistence that monogamy automatically equals happiness.
