When someone realizes they are into BDSM, they often feel like they need to tell people and explain to them why they feel that way. This is something I don't really understand. Do vanilla people tell their family and friends about their sex life? No they don't. People that choose to "come out" often try to argue that D/s is more than sex to them. It's "their life" (not in quotes to be condescending, just showing that it is often exactly what is said). This may be true, but that still doesn't mean you need to tell people.
For now, let's focus on the sex and play part of a D/s relationship. There is no reason to bring this up with people. They probably don't want to know. If you happen to play a little rough and get bruises where someone can see and someone does ask, just laugh and say "we had a little too much fun last night." Going into a long, drawn out explanation of your kinks will just make both of you uncomfortable. Basically a good rule of thumb to go by is if they don't ask, you shouldn't tell.
Now let's move on to the parts of a D/s relationship that don't involve sex. For instance, when you serve dinner, you might make your dominant's plate and serve him before getting your own food, or if you're at someone's place and he says it's time to go, you obey without question. People might question this. If they do, tell them that you prefer traditional relationship roles (this is assuming a male dominant/female submissive relationship, which I realize is not all D/s relationships, but it is the D/s relationship I have experience with) and that you like to take care of your man and defer to him when it comes to decision making and leave it at that. If they try to push it, tell them that you appreciate their concern but it is your relationship and your life and you don't need their interference.
There is one exception to the "don't disclose unless asked" rule: health care professionals. If you see a doctor on a frequent basis and often have bruises, you might want to disclose that you enjoy rough play, only because if a doctor feels you are in danger they are obligated to report it. So if you are upfront that might prevent an unpleasant visit from a law enforcement officer. Same with mental health care professionals. If you are seeing a therapist, they need to know about all facets of you in order to help. Make it clear to them that you choose to be in this relationship because it is fulfilling to you and that it is in no way abuse. Also consider looking for kink-friendly health care professionals, because with one of those there is less likely to be an issue.
I hope after reading this article you feel more informed about what and when to disclose your interest in kink. Even if you disagree with the information, I hope you learned something new.
For now, let's focus on the sex and play part of a D/s relationship. There is no reason to bring this up with people. They probably don't want to know. If you happen to play a little rough and get bruises where someone can see and someone does ask, just laugh and say "we had a little too much fun last night." Going into a long, drawn out explanation of your kinks will just make both of you uncomfortable. Basically a good rule of thumb to go by is if they don't ask, you shouldn't tell.
Now let's move on to the parts of a D/s relationship that don't involve sex. For instance, when you serve dinner, you might make your dominant's plate and serve him before getting your own food, or if you're at someone's place and he says it's time to go, you obey without question. People might question this. If they do, tell them that you prefer traditional relationship roles (this is assuming a male dominant/female submissive relationship, which I realize is not all D/s relationships, but it is the D/s relationship I have experience with) and that you like to take care of your man and defer to him when it comes to decision making and leave it at that. If they try to push it, tell them that you appreciate their concern but it is your relationship and your life and you don't need their interference.
There is one exception to the "don't disclose unless asked" rule: health care professionals. If you see a doctor on a frequent basis and often have bruises, you might want to disclose that you enjoy rough play, only because if a doctor feels you are in danger they are obligated to report it. So if you are upfront that might prevent an unpleasant visit from a law enforcement officer. Same with mental health care professionals. If you are seeing a therapist, they need to know about all facets of you in order to help. Make it clear to them that you choose to be in this relationship because it is fulfilling to you and that it is in no way abuse. Also consider looking for kink-friendly health care professionals, because with one of those there is less likely to be an issue.
I hope after reading this article you feel more informed about what and when to disclose your interest in kink. Even if you disagree with the information, I hope you learned something new.
Agreed. While kink is an important part of my sexual identification, I've never felt any need to "come out" as kinky (then again, I've never felt any need to come out as bi either so perhaps I'm atypical here). I'm happy to proudly embrace my identity without telling the whole world about it. And when it comes to kink, I'd even say there's something fun about having something only you and your partner(s) know(s) about your relationship.
It's noone's business what you do in your bedroom (or wherever you do it ) and you have no obligation to explain your sex life to anyone, so I see no need to "come out" about any of it. Just live and let live! -Les Amuse-Bouches