Learning To Love Me

Growing up I was always overweight. I was the one they made fun of on the school bus, and in the school halls. I tried to fit in; I played sports and tried to make friends. But even that was not good enough; they still poked fun at me. I was an outcast and became a loner. My parents were divorced, due to the fact that my dad abused my mom. That took a toll on us kids.

I became more depressed; I even tried to kill myself. I felt that no one loved me, and I would never fit in. I battled depression through my whole high school years. My grades dropped and I started hanging with people my parents didn’t approve of. By now I was 17 and had given up. I met a guy that took me down the wrong path and a few months later became the father of my oldest child. But we will get to that.

As I said I was 17, actually two weeks from being 18 and three months from graduating from High school. I went to the school office and dropped out of high school the day of my 18th birthday. After that it was nonstop partying till one day it happened.

I never thought I would have gotten myself into a relationship like this. He started yelling at me, calling me names putting me down. I was so scared. Than something happened that I never thought would. He hit me, and I could not believe it. I was so in love with this man, or what I thought was love. I had no one to tell what was going on, as my mom and I had fallen out by this time and I had moved out of her house. I stupidly stayed hoping that it would never happen again.

Then I got the news: I was pregnant. Was this a sign things were going to start looking up? I was wrong. Things got worse from here. He started to drink heavier and started heavy into drugs. It happened again he hit me, yelled at me that it was not his baby and he would do nothing for me. When he passed out I called my mom, I was scared. I packed my stuff and she was coming to pick me up. When I was waiting outside for my mother he must have woke up. He had seen me with all my things outside and came running down. I stupidly fell again for the “Baby I am sorry, it will never happen again.” So I called my mom and stayed again.

The final straw was when after I had my son and found out that he had been cheating on me. I ran to the first person I could think of: an old boyfriend I had in school. Things were great for a while, and then we too started to fight. He stole one of my checks from work and that was it. I ran right back to the man that had hurt me so bad. Then I found out I was pregnant. Things went on and I ended up getting pregnant again, and then it happened again. I found him sleeping with one of our friend’s daughters. She was my age and I considered her a friend. After that the friend we were living with kicked him out and I tried once more to cut ties. But things at the friend’s house started to get bad and I had to leave. Yes, I ran to him.

Looking back I feel so stupid and can’t believe I did it. I was young and stupid. Things got worse than they ever had. He was mad about something and to tell you the truth I can’t even remember what it was. But I was on the phone with a friend and he started in on me. He was hitting me and yelling, I was yelling for him to stop he was going to wake the kids in the next room. He didn’t stop and when he went for the frying pan on the kitchen counter I saw my oldest come out of the bedroom. He had seen me get beat with the frying pan. I could not move I was so scared till I heard those police sirens. Not only had my friend called the cops but so did the people that lived down stairs. They saved my life that night; to this day I feel that he would have killed me.

I finally got away from this man and met my husband Joseph. I have never had some one that loves me like he loves me. Yes we have our fight and disagreements, but who doesn’t? He has shown me that I can be loved and I am worthy of love.

Since we have been married he tells me all the time how beautiful I am, even if I don’t believe him. Here lately I have been really down about my whole weight issue; he tells me all the time he likes me just the way I am. He has become a big factor in me learning to love myself again.

I am on the road to loving myself the way I am. I am also become no so worrisome of my weight when it comes to our sex life. We have found out so much about each other here lately and I love it. I even went out and bought myself some sexy lingerie to wear for him.

I know that this is not exactly an article about sex and all. But I hope that maybe that this will give some one that was in my situation some hope. Hope that there is someone out there that will love you for the person you are, and that you can learn to love yourself it just takes time.