Recently, I was on my friends’ Margot Leitman and Giulia Rozzi’s Stripped Stories podcast and we played Never Have I Ever. Because I have horrible short-term memory, I don’t remember exactly how the game went, though I think I was in on having had a threesome, but ultimately, I was out. I’m pretty sure the topic that doomed me was having done something crazy to get your crush to notice you; all I did was hook up with her landlord.
Anyway, the game made me think about the fact that, well, I’ve had a lot of sex, with a lot of people. There aren’t a ton of fantasies I’ve never tried or things on my sexual wishlist, though there are a few, some of which I might someday want to actually explore, most of which I think are better left in my head, or as dirty talk, because as hot as they make me, I don’t know that I’d truly want to do them. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to when everything about sex was new and exciting, except then I wouldn’t have as much knowledge about what I’m into, not to mention that regret is, well, pointless.
But it’s not really regret I’d been feeling lately so much as stasis, and not in a content-to-coast-cause-everything-is-perfect-way, but more in a can’t-bear-to-face-my-problems way. So I made a conscious decision to work on all the other aspects of my life that need work, and to let sex take a backseat. Not forever, and there’s no exact set endpoint, but I realized that I have trouble enjoying sex, getting naked with someone, being free in the way I want to be free, when the rest of my life is in chaos — when I hate my body but am not actively doing anything to get in shape, when I watch professional opportunities come and go and don’t even make an attempt. It’s hard to just let go when I feel guilty for missing a deadline or not paying a bill. I know for some people sex works as an escape, and there’ve been times when I’ve used sex as escapism, but I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want sex to become something I associated with shirking my real-life duties; I want to come to sex, and relationships, with a more centered perspective.
So maybe that is something I’ve never done, save for my brief attempt earlier this year to be single until November, which only wound up lasting about six weeks. Instead, the new things I’m trying are part of an attempt to shake things up, to shock my system into new behaviors and ways of thinking. I’m the kind of person who almost always will let a problem simmer, even when I know it’s a problem, because it’s easier to face the familiar than even contemplate the unfamiliar. I wait until life reaches a crisis point and I have no choice but to sift through the rubble. That is certainly not something new; I’ve been doing it at least since 1999, when I decided to leave law school, but probably for much longer.
That mindset is one that is so deeply ingrained in me I’m not sure how I’ll be able to shake it, but I know it’s a necessary step to move forward. I also recently went to a psychiatrist for the first time, and started taking Wellbutrin, though we’re going to assess how that’s going and see if that’s the right drug for me. I know that for many people anti-depressants negatively impact their libidos, so that is another reason I’m glad I’m taking some time off from sex and dating. In my experience, no matter how caring or patient the person you’re dating is, it’s hard to refuse sex without it being taken personally; I know that from both sides of the equation.
I’ve also started running, something I always thought my mild asthma would prevent me from doing. But I did a 13-mile walk in Seattle’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon and had such a great time I wanted to explore jogging and running and I’ve found I actually like it. It pushes me to keep learning about my body and how much it can handle. In some ways, it’s akin, to me, to BDSM play, but the difference is with running I’m both top and bottom. I get to control the action from both sides (except when I’m with my trainer).
Going back to those never have I ever fantasies, some of them are as extreme as running a marathon, something I’m pretty sure I’d never do. There’s a small part of me that wants to explore them, but so many variables would have to align in exactly the right ways. Maybe they will someday, but right now I know, similar to how I have to work on my core so I can be stable for running, I have to get the rest of my life—my health, my finances, my home, my writing—in order if I’m going to approach sex in a way that enhances my life. Again, I know this isn’t everyone’s path, but when life gets too out of control, my instinct is to pull back, especially from interactions with other people where there’s a high likelihood that I or they might get hurt emotionally. It feels selfish in some ways to make me the sole priority in my life (I realize how crazy that sounds even as I’m typing it), but it’s the only thing I feel I can dedicate myself to.
That commitment to self-improvement is certainly something I haven’t done in quite the methodical way I am now. I’ve tackled bits and pieces—declaring bankruptcy here, hiring a personal organizer there, finally going to the dentist after five years—but this year, this crazy year of being 35, I’m finally forcing myself to face a lot of realities I’ve been too stubborn or sad or wishful to look at head-on before. It’s certainly not easy and my favorite vices—food, sex, shopping—are ones I’m also trying to leave behind. Obviously, I still have to eat, I’m still a sexual being and I still need to make purchases, but I mean leave behind using them in self-destructive ways, especially sex, because I don’t want to drag anyone else into my madness.
Right now and for who knows how long, I need to force myself to try new ways of existing because clearly the old ways weren’t working. Maybe that’s not sexy, but these days I’d rather be sensible than sexy, or maybe combine them both. I do still indulge my shopping fetish, and the new red lipstick (Black Currant by Bare Escentuals) is, to me, sex on a (wax) stick. It makes me feel sexy and beautiful and confident, no matter what else is going on in my messy life. And while it’s hard to see it in myself, one of the hottest qualities a person can have, in my opinion, is the self-awareness to be open to trying new things and learning about and transforming themselves, no matter what their age. That’s sexy to me, and it has nothing to do with taking your clothes off, but with getting emotionally naked and stripping off all your preconceptions about yourself. That’s what I’ll be doing, I hope for the rest of my life. Not totally naked, though—I’m still gonna rock my lipstick, and the hottest outfits I own, in a fake it til you make it fashion statement. And hopefully next time I play Never Have I Ever, I’ll be in the game until the end.
Anyway, the game made me think about the fact that, well, I’ve had a lot of sex, with a lot of people. There aren’t a ton of fantasies I’ve never tried or things on my sexual wishlist, though there are a few, some of which I might someday want to actually explore, most of which I think are better left in my head, or as dirty talk, because as hot as they make me, I don’t know that I’d truly want to do them. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to when everything about sex was new and exciting, except then I wouldn’t have as much knowledge about what I’m into, not to mention that regret is, well, pointless.
But it’s not really regret I’d been feeling lately so much as stasis, and not in a content-to-coast-cause-everything-is-perfect-way, but more in a can’t-bear-to-face-my-problems way. So I made a conscious decision to work on all the other aspects of my life that need work, and to let sex take a backseat. Not forever, and there’s no exact set endpoint, but I realized that I have trouble enjoying sex, getting naked with someone, being free in the way I want to be free, when the rest of my life is in chaos — when I hate my body but am not actively doing anything to get in shape, when I watch professional opportunities come and go and don’t even make an attempt. It’s hard to just let go when I feel guilty for missing a deadline or not paying a bill. I know for some people sex works as an escape, and there’ve been times when I’ve used sex as escapism, but I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want sex to become something I associated with shirking my real-life duties; I want to come to sex, and relationships, with a more centered perspective.
So maybe that is something I’ve never done, save for my brief attempt earlier this year to be single until November, which only wound up lasting about six weeks. Instead, the new things I’m trying are part of an attempt to shake things up, to shock my system into new behaviors and ways of thinking. I’m the kind of person who almost always will let a problem simmer, even when I know it’s a problem, because it’s easier to face the familiar than even contemplate the unfamiliar. I wait until life reaches a crisis point and I have no choice but to sift through the rubble. That is certainly not something new; I’ve been doing it at least since 1999, when I decided to leave law school, but probably for much longer.
That mindset is one that is so deeply ingrained in me I’m not sure how I’ll be able to shake it, but I know it’s a necessary step to move forward. I also recently went to a psychiatrist for the first time, and started taking Wellbutrin, though we’re going to assess how that’s going and see if that’s the right drug for me. I know that for many people anti-depressants negatively impact their libidos, so that is another reason I’m glad I’m taking some time off from sex and dating. In my experience, no matter how caring or patient the person you’re dating is, it’s hard to refuse sex without it being taken personally; I know that from both sides of the equation.
I’ve also started running, something I always thought my mild asthma would prevent me from doing. But I did a 13-mile walk in Seattle’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon and had such a great time I wanted to explore jogging and running and I’ve found I actually like it. It pushes me to keep learning about my body and how much it can handle. In some ways, it’s akin, to me, to BDSM play, but the difference is with running I’m both top and bottom. I get to control the action from both sides (except when I’m with my trainer).
Going back to those never have I ever fantasies, some of them are as extreme as running a marathon, something I’m pretty sure I’d never do. There’s a small part of me that wants to explore them, but so many variables would have to align in exactly the right ways. Maybe they will someday, but right now I know, similar to how I have to work on my core so I can be stable for running, I have to get the rest of my life—my health, my finances, my home, my writing—in order if I’m going to approach sex in a way that enhances my life. Again, I know this isn’t everyone’s path, but when life gets too out of control, my instinct is to pull back, especially from interactions with other people where there’s a high likelihood that I or they might get hurt emotionally. It feels selfish in some ways to make me the sole priority in my life (I realize how crazy that sounds even as I’m typing it), but it’s the only thing I feel I can dedicate myself to.
That commitment to self-improvement is certainly something I haven’t done in quite the methodical way I am now. I’ve tackled bits and pieces—declaring bankruptcy here, hiring a personal organizer there, finally going to the dentist after five years—but this year, this crazy year of being 35, I’m finally forcing myself to face a lot of realities I’ve been too stubborn or sad or wishful to look at head-on before. It’s certainly not easy and my favorite vices—food, sex, shopping—are ones I’m also trying to leave behind. Obviously, I still have to eat, I’m still a sexual being and I still need to make purchases, but I mean leave behind using them in self-destructive ways, especially sex, because I don’t want to drag anyone else into my madness.
Right now and for who knows how long, I need to force myself to try new ways of existing because clearly the old ways weren’t working. Maybe that’s not sexy, but these days I’d rather be sensible than sexy, or maybe combine them both. I do still indulge my shopping fetish, and the new red lipstick (Black Currant by Bare Escentuals) is, to me, sex on a (wax) stick. It makes me feel sexy and beautiful and confident, no matter what else is going on in my messy life. And while it’s hard to see it in myself, one of the hottest qualities a person can have, in my opinion, is the self-awareness to be open to trying new things and learning about and transforming themselves, no matter what their age. That’s sexy to me, and it has nothing to do with taking your clothes off, but with getting emotionally naked and stripping off all your preconceptions about yourself. That’s what I’ll be doing, I hope for the rest of my life. Not totally naked, though—I’m still gonna rock my lipstick, and the hottest outfits I own, in a fake it til you make it fashion statement. And hopefully next time I play Never Have I Ever, I’ll be in the game until the end.
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