How to get free blow jobs

The other day my friend Craig told me that his girlfriend woke up totally pissed off at him because she’d had a dream that he was cheating on her and I was all “Well, clearly you owe her an apology” and he got all screamy and yelled about how “irrational” women are and I asked him if she’d forgiven him yet and he was all “What the fuck, dude? I DIDN’T *DO*ANYTHING” so clearly, no, she hadn’t. So I’m like “Okay, this is what you do. You have to be like ‘Oh baby, I do not know what the fuck dream-Craig’s problem is. He’s an asshole and you do not deserve that’ and then be all ‘In fact, I’m going back to sleep so I can go find him and kick dream-Craig’s ass. I’ll be back in an hour’ and then you get a free nap and you’re kind of a hero. Except then you should be all ‘God, I just can’t sleep because I’m so mad at dream-Craig. But you know what always puts me to sleep? A blow job’. Then she has to either admit she’s being irrational for being mad at you for something dream-Craig did or she has to pony up with the blow job.” And then Craig sat there for a few seconds, totally stunned and I’m like “I know, right?! And I thought that up in like 10 seconds flat. And I don’t even want a blow job.” And then he was all “Wow. I…I don’t even know what to say here.” And I’m all “You should probably say ‘thank you’ because I’m pretty sure I just blew your mind with basic logic. This is the stuff going on in girl’s heads all the time” and then he kind of shuffled off and I thought maybe he missed a piece because he looked a little dazed so I decided to write it down for him and then share it with the rest of mankind right here because that’s the kind of thoughtful person I am.

You’re welcome.