As a sex surrogate and sexplorer, I have a philosophy when it comes to people, places and things: Leave them better than you found them. That is always my goal. When I’m in bed with someone, I want them to feel amazing and very special. Despite my best intentions, however, it doesn’t always work out that way.

Virgin #1 was a 38-year-old man with a dismal track record in the bedroom. He went to bars to “pick up chicks,” but would shut down as soon as he got them home. He’d give them oral sex, all the while sweating bullets as he feared letting them down, which in his mind, he did. He counted on alcohol to cloud the evening, mumbling about “whiskey dick” as he sheepishly showed them the door. Finally, he decided enough was enough, and he sought professional help.

I spent a couple hours talking with him about his issues, which was one key to solving them. Having it all out in the open was a relief to him—it was good to be on the same page instead of hiding his insecurities like porn under the mattress.

We then spent a couple hours in a very open and honest setting—he felt safe and understood by me, which was such a contrast to his past experiences. He was getting to the point where he was feeling like women were adversaries, to be feared.

He had successful intercourse with me for the very first time. He was amazed—it felt so right and spectacular. “I can’t believe I’m doing it!” he kept muttering incredulously in my ear as he pushed awkwardly in and out of me.

The sessions he had with me were a breakthrough with him. He found that women are not scary creatures, and went out into the dating world with newfound confidence.

Virgin #2 was a charming 25-year-old with a perfectly charismatic personality. He was pursuing a career in politics, and wanted to be sure the time he spent with me remained under wraps, as he was very conscious of the potential for future scandals.

#2 had never kissed a girl. I was his first on all fronts—first kiss, first oral, first everything. He was so sweet, I asked him how this came to be, and he told me it was due to lack of opportunity, but that he had his eye on a special girl, and wanted to make sure he would be prepared for courtship.

It’s a good thing he went this route, as he was a terrible kisser. I patiently showed him how to relax his mouth and take his time. He went down on me and remarked, “I’ve always heard a woman tastes like fish, but that’s not true at all! You taste wonderful!” He completely freaked when I put my mouth on his penis, saying, “Okay, I’ve always heard a blowjob feels incredible, and that is absolutely true!” The cutest moment was when he got on top of me and started having sex with me.

“I had NO IDEA how much work sex is!” he huffed and puffed. He used pelvic muscles he never realized he had! It felt so great, TOO great; it took him forever to orgasm. He finally resorted to a more familiar method—masturbation as I quietly lay next to him.

Luckily, he started dating the girl of his dreams a month after our session, and he couldn’t thank me enough for giving him a great head start.

In general, men can stave off the inevitable for the sake of his partner, employing techniques akin to swinging a guitar solo or engaging his audience. Some men, however, have trouble lasting even five minutes—it’s more like a radio jingle—and they’re anxious to build up their longevity so they can properly satisfy their partner. Plus, radio jingles are annoying.

There’s an interesting phenomenon called The Coolidge Effect, which got its name from President Calvin and Mrs. Coolidge. Seems the First Couple was visiting a farm, and Mrs. Coolidge remarked that she wished the Commander in Chief were as randy as a rooster they saw strutting around. President Coolidge retorted, “Well it’s no wonder I’m not as frisky; I’ve only got one hen in my henhouse.” The Coolidge Effect is when a man become bored with his regular sex partner, but gets “over enthusiastic” (comes in a flash) when introduced to new ones.

Case in point: I worked with a 45-year-old attorney who said he’d could go a decent amount of time during intercourse with his wife of ten years, but now that he was divorced and dating, anytime he got with someone new, he had trouble lasting more than a couple minutes, leaving him baffled and frustrated.

I took him for a test drive so I could see firsthand what he was talking about. I laid back and he climbed on top of me—and immediately started humping away like a jackrabbit. No warm-up, no seduction. I was amazed.

“Whoa, whoa,” I said, taking him by the shoulder. “Let’s start out slow and work our way up, okay?” After he slowed it down, things were much more relaxed. It gave me a chance to get into it, and after a few minutes he worked his way back up to his jackrabbit pace and came.

He’s not the first guy I’ve met who seems to only know one speed—fast and furious. Women generally need time in order to become aroused. If a guy just plunges in, it can hurt, until we get accustomed to the pace and catch up.

This guy was simply not paying attention to anything other than getting in and off, and that needed to change. The issue was emotional connection. When one partner is emotionally disconnected, or too self-involved in his/her own pleasure, the other partner can be left out in the cold. Ask yourself: Do I know how to pleasure my partner? If not, you need to take the time to learn.

I don’t know about you, but I love surprises.

You never can tell what a man’s penis is going to be like just by looking at him. I’ve hooked up with a 6’4” guy with huge hands and feet, only to discover he has an average size penis. I’ve been shocked to find out the 5’7” Asian man with delicate features is a show-er, not a grow-er.

The other day I met with a new client, an attractive, fit 34-year-old. Usually, I get a clue what’s on a client’s mind prior to meeting him, but in this case I had no idea what his issue was. This appealed to me. I was going to get a surprise.

In fact, if you look up “Reason for Erection” on the internet, besides getting some German band’s website, you’ll also find a lot of resources for unfortunate teenage boys plagued with erection problems: Erections during class. Erections at night. Erections for no reason at all. Boo-hoo, must be nice! I hope they remember that 40 years from now!

According to evolutionary psychologist Satoshi Kanazawa, the only biological function of an erection is to allow men to have intercourse with women, with the end goal of making a baby. But hey, we’re human, and sometimes men want to use their dicks recreationally. It can be extremely frustrating when the little head doesn’t play nicely with the big head.

As a sex surrogate, I help out men with all kinds of issues. One of the more common complaints is ED—erectile dysfunction. There are two causes for ED—physical and mental.

Physical conditions may include hardening arteries, high blood pressure, kidney disease, neurological diseases, prostate problems, heart disease, diabetes, and more. In addition, prescription medications can be a culprit, as well as drug/alcohol use (the dreaded whiskey dick), hormonal imbalances, atrophied penis (use it or lose it), and injury.

Mental conditions that contribute to ED may include stress, anxiety, guilt, depression, low self-esteem, and indifference.

Here are a few personal experiences I’ve had helping men deal with their limp bizkit. We will however not get into the issue of Fred Durst Syndrome (i.e., older men who won’t stop wearing their baseball caps backwards).