Mollena Columns

This occurred to me as I was reading page upon page of profiles on a couple of kink oriented sites where dominants were talking about how hardcore they were. Strict dominant this, and bend you to my will that and posturing and preening as though all of the badassery in the world were enough to make them desirable partners in the tango slash chess-match slash hand-to-hand combat slash lovemaking that is BDSM. Well, it isn't. When I encounter the concept of "breaking" in a submissive or slave, I realize that paradigm still doesn't work for me. I can't be "broken" and remain useful. Brutality isn't the lead-in for successful power exchange. I believe there are many reasons for this. One reason is that most people who are planning on launching such brutal attacks are, at the core, wishing to remain in consensual headspace. Whether you adhere to SSC or RACK, the fact is that, eventually, you'll stop. That is the point. SO! Assuming that you can keep dominating until the bottom submits is a shaky premise, at best. As a responsible dominant, you are obligated t...

But in light of the fact that I took my sexual freedom to be a right, and in light of the fact that I refuse to be shamed and intimidated away from my desires based on the fact that my history casts ugly shadows in my past, I permitted myself the ability to explore and delve into the darkness so that I could find the light inside. It was a difficult path. It took me years to overcome my guilt as a feminist, as a descendant of chattel slaves who had NO choice, NO rights, NO hope for equality. It is specifically because of the battles fought, lost and won by those who came before me that I have the rarified privilege to explore my sexuality regardless of how it might look to others. After a metric fuck-ton of introspection, soul-searching, research, processing my own shit and the shit I'd had dumped upon me by those who judge, my first steps into the Leather community were bold. Once I make a decision to do something, I bloody well do it. I became involved with the BDSM scene, met other kinky folks, and was excited to meet someone who, as my dominant, as m...

We can argue consent, but in some relationships we play with even THAT slippery edge. So I fall back to intent. The intention of the person in a Leather or BDSM interaction is mutual satisfaction, whatever form or means that takes. Sometimes it looks so much like an abusive interaction that our only signal is context. The very controlling dominant, the cowering submissive, any of these postures viewed through the lens of BDSM and Leather can be hot and wonderful. If I am at a play party and I see someone slapping the hell out of their partner, I might pause to admire the passion. If I am on the street and I see someone slapping the hell out of their partner I will pause to call the police. Hitting people, in general, is a manifestation of violent aggression. However, we who engage in consensual BDSM have a different intention and a different expectation of outcome when it comes to these seemingly violent interactions. In the Default World, people aren’t so aware of how gratifying, beautiful and necessary these seemingly unequal and dangerous interactions...

“You can’t judge a book by…” “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t…” “Good things come to those who…” “I got ants in my pants and I need to…” And in the BDSM community, we have similar truisms that people hear, jump on, and repeat because they seem to make sense. Or do they? I’m a questioner. I was the kid with 45 iterations of “Why?” whenever presented with facts. Then I would process and come back and ask the same questions with “OK, so what if…” until I hit the point where the person I was haranguing lacked the vital information, and I trotted off to the library to continue. (Let us have a moment of respectful silence for my Mom and Dad.) This didn’t stop when I hit the BDSM community. When I first heard things like “A submissive is not a doormat!” “Always use a safeword!” “Always have a safecall!” and “Submission is a gift” I thought “OK, those seem reasonable.” I have since learned that a submissive certainly can be a doormat…if they choose to be. Safewords are only good if you are able to use them. A safecall (a person you check in with whil...