It’s that time of year again! Time to figure out who’s naughty, who’s nice (i.e., who you love, like, and how many of them you absolutely have to buy presents for).
You are required to give a gift if:
- You are in a committed relationship and want to stay that way
- While you are not in a committed relationship, there is at least one special someone who you really enjoy having sex with, and would like it to stay that way
- You want to give the gift of sex, but not in a creepy, Clarence Thomas sort of way
Complicating matters is an economy more unstable than a wide receiver with a glock stuffed into his sweatpants. And he’s not even wearing any undies. Yeah, things are tough all over these days. But it’s not like we can’t have our fun – we just need to be a little thriftier about it. And while you might want to go all Kay Jewelers, Big Lots is probably a somewhat safer bet.
But how about sexing it up a little this year?
Consider this: for the cost of one night out for dinner and a movie, you can have oodles and oodles of fun indoors – and for far, far longer than just one night! Because when it comes to sex, you and yours really CAN get off on a budget! (And so can your friends, neighbors, and lame-duck Senators.)
ONE. Gifts for Him: Keeping it Penny and Penis-Wise
Regardless of whether you’re buying for your boyfriend/husband/husbear/partner/leather daddy/Sean Avery, there are a few things you should understand about men before you go off all half-cocked choosing masturbatory accessories for their cocks:
- Men are extremely goal-oriented. Even the most slack-assed of the bunch has his goals, even if those goals are merely to be the best WOW player in the history of EVAR.
- The average male orgasm lasts about 10 seconds. So try and make every nanosecond of it count.
- Guys love tech shit. You know how he loves prancing and preening about like Derek Zoolander with his Bluetooth – so consider letting him go hands-free in the bedroom for a nice change of pace.
Nothing says ‘I love you’, ‘I endure you’, or ‘I like you, but just not in that way’ like a Tenga onacup. For those of you in the dark, onacups are a chiefly Japanese invention – they’re artificial vaginas, placed into cups in the name of male masturbatory goodness. So think of a fuckable cup of Ramen noodles, and you’ve got the idea. Which brings us to the Tenga Soft Tube masturbator. These are especially handy for when he’s out of town on business, in the doghouse, or if he spends way too much time playing Second Life. (Because, you know, hardcore gamers don’t like to get up much. Unless he’s getting his ass totally pwned.)
For the man who likes to get his back-door stroke on, there’s the Colt™ Power Stroker. This is the masturbator for the Alpha male in your life. Because when Colt™ says ‘Power’, they’re totally not screwing around with your screw-happiness. It’s shaped like a grenade, because it is a scientific fact that nothing turns a man on, regardless of his age, orientation, or caloric intake, like a fuckable grenade. Especially when it has an anus built into it. So with this, you’re getting him the best of both worlds – anal sex without having to beg/wheedle you for it , and war without anybody getting hurt. When you think about it, it’s kind of like professional wrestling. Colt™ – the most recognizable name in urban or suburban commando sexual accessorizing!
If subtlety’s not your cup of ona – or his cup, more importantly – then we’ve got three words for you: Tera. Patrick’s. Blowjob. Remember the good ol’ days when one would threaten to ‘open up a can of whoop-ass’? Well, technology has not only caught up to the principle of canned goods and services, it has far exceeded the mandate. On the surface, this is merely a neat, discreet can. (Discreet insofar as anything labeled Tera Patrick’s Blowjob can be so understated; however, the label does come off with a bit of extra tugging.) But when he opens up that can, the magic blowjob fairy is unleashed! No word yet as to when we can expect to see 401K in a can. But we’re keeping our hopes up.
In Chinese philosophy, the symbols Yin and Yang are used to depict the way seemingly divergent forces are bound together, intertwined and interdependent in the world, giving rise to each other. It is with this same philosophy in mind that Doc Johnson presents the Ying Yang Love Ring. For when it comes to a man’s sexual ambition, there is again a yin-yang at play here: a man wants to simultaneously be gratified (i.e., come); yet remain as big-big-big as possible. And like all forms of philosophy, it’s completely pliable, open to interpretation, and designed to keep him going on forever!
There comes a time in every man’s life when, much like Conan or Aragorn, a man must learn to love the touch of steel. So if you’re looking for a cock ring for him, but neither pliancy nor philosophy are his fancy, try something a little more suited to the gridiron gang, the warrior caste – the Titan Mirror Cock Ring by Gear Essentials. Trust us – if a stainless steel cock shackle is what he needs, then this is the one for him. Or you. At least until David Yurman starts making haute couture cock rings.
Now, we know what you’ve been thinking – what do you get for the man who has everything? No, not another electric tie-rack. He hates those. Seriously. And he really doesn’t want yet another coffee mug with his favorite football team’s logo emblazoned across it; he knows who he roots for – he may be forgetful sometimes, but he doesn’t need to be reminded just how much the Buffalo Bills suck – especially not first thing in the morning.
So try a different approach. Like, say, a more anal approach. No, not a file-shredder. A prostate massager! It’s the one thing every man needs but (probably) doesn’t know it yet. Take the Silicone P.E. Vibe by Pipedream, for instance. Twenty-seven bucks to instant male gratification. Give him this, sit him down in front of the NFL Network, and he’ll never complain again. Unless the batteries run out.
You know how a man looks when he’s climaxing? Kind of like a constipated dog being shown a card trick? Well. Wait’ll you see how he reacts to this. If you’ve ever wanted to see a man suddenly transmogrify into a screeching, squirting banshee, then this is the ticket for you. And him.
TWO. Gifts for Her: Keeping it Tight without Being a Tightwad
You don’t want to cheap out on any woman in your life. Even if she implores you to cheap out on her, you know it’s probably a trick, to see if you really will cheap out if given the opportunity. As such, what do you buy for your girlfriend, friend-girl, poly-vee-girl, wife, mistress, dominatrix, life-partner, landlord?
First, ask yourself this question: ‘Does she have a g-spot?’ (The answer is yes, whether you know this or not already.)
Then ask yourself another question: ‘Have I bothered to check/ask/look for it?’
Earlier this year, Tina Fey proclaimed that ‘bitch is the new black’. But when it comes to sex, it’s evident that the g-spot is the new clitoris. Yes, that’s right - G is the new C. It only took the Western world 60 or so years (we’re only counting since WWII, so we don’t appear too dumb) to find the vaunted clitoris once we were alerted to its presence – and assured of its existence. With proof-filled pudding. Mission accomplished!
(Bonus points: If you like to tie your etymological fancies into your sex-awareness, then here’s one for you: ‘the proof is in the pudding’ dates back to at least 1615, when Miguel de Cervantes published Don Quixote, containing the phrase ‘The proof of the pudding is in the eating.’ But when it comes to the actual eating of this pudding, we had to wait a bit longer – ‘cunnilingus’ didn’t enter the lexicon until 1887, spinning off from the Latin cunnus, plus the French lingere [to lick]…and then we waited for the Kinseys and Dodsons of the world to hip us up to the pudding in question.)
But back to the g-spot, which in the hearts/minds/loins of many, still resides in the land of fantasy, hypothesis, or Second Life. So this year for the holidays, take the question out of your hands, and put it into hers – specifically in the form of a Silky G G-Spot Vibrator. This baby is so smooth, it’s the Velveeta of sex toys. A phthalate and calorie-free Velveeta, that is. And it comes inside a tin. Which you can then re-gift next year, filled with popcorn/cookies/muffin mix/loose change.
If we can assume that diamonds are a girl’s best friend, and we can further assume that all women love The Princess Bride, AND that most women are also big fans of Darwinism (please sit down, Governor Palin), then how much can we presume that any woman should love the Diamond Princess by Evolved? By the proverbial beaucoup, perhaps?
Exactly. That’s what we thought.
Bonus points for nerdy gift-buying men: it’s shaped kind of like an old-school Star Trek phaser. So if she doesn’t like it, you’ve got a new weapon in your SCA arsenal!
Or maybe you could help her get her United Colors of Benetton on with a Rainbow Mega Nubby Glass Dildo by Don Wands. Then say Rainbow Mega Nubby Glass Dildo by Don Wands five times fast. It has a slightly 1950s B-movie look to it, as if it was an alien phallus or its doomsday device – the dreaded neutron disseminator 2000. But you know what they say – that which does not kill us gives us longer-lasting orgasms.
If you don’t think she’d be into kaleidoscopic sex, then how’s about a Swirled Blue Glass Dildo by Don Wands? It looks like a blue candle with a translucent flame. Which leans to the right a little. You know, for decorative purposes, if you or she are Pier 1 kinda folk. Besides, it’s not often that we get to say ‘ribbed for her pleasure’ these days.
According to most doctors, there are two major purchase in every person’s life which should be completely hypoallergenic: dogs, and strap-on dildos. This brings us to the Compact Dildo by Tantus. For a measly twenty-two bucks, you get an all-occasions dildo. Strap it into your harness of choice! Use it on yourself! Use it on someone you love! Use it on someone you like! Thwock it onto your forehead and scare the bejezus out of your co-workers! (EdenFantasys cannot be held responsible for sudden joblessness caused by wearing a Tantus dildo on your head to work.)
If there’s one thing that we can all come together on, it’s that penguins are generally pretty cool. We like movies about them; we like them in cartoons, and we even like them appropriated into sex toys. Case in point is I Rub My Penguin, which is not a morally questionable adult film, but rather a sex toy she’s sure to love far more than anything voiced by Elijah Wood and Robin Williams.
I Rub My Penguin takes the infallible premise of Tickle Me Elmo, but gives it an exciting new twist for grown-ups. Like Elmo, you just push the Penguin’s belly to start vibrating. Unlike Elmo, however, the Penguin is waterproof. Just don’t let it get eaten by any swimming polar bears.
And if you want to present the woman in your life with a piece of masturbatory conceptual art, how about I Rub My Fishie? Looking like it fell off a Peter Max print circa 1976, this Fishie will leave sexual frustration sleeping with the fishes. And, since it’s not actually made of fish, it’s safe for vegans!
There just aren’t enough retro sex toys these days. When we were younger, there were but two different styles of vibrators: personal massagers (which you bought at Walgreen’s), and what are now called Traditional Vibrators (long thin tubes that kind of look like glowsticks). Now, old-school seems to be making a comeback (along with swarthy hair and 70s-style sitcoms), culminating in the Bgood Traditional Vibrator by BSwish.
Also from Bswish comes the bendy toy of vibrators, the Bgee. For the woman just beginning her vision quest to her g-spot’s Shangri-la, this thing’s just the trick. In its natural resting state, it looks like your average retro traditional vibrator – but when she’s ready to go from zero-g to maximum g, all she has to do is give it a little bend, and it transforms into a pastel-colored genital periscope. Periscope down! Oh, and don’t let the name fool you – the Bgee will not leave her singing like Barry Gibb.
On first glance, the
Liberte looks like:
- a bristle-less toothbrush
- a pre-fab ultra-red thermometer
- a banana after someone with a very large jaw ate out the entire middle part of the fruit
- an ergonomic vibrator for women who have suffered from carpal tunnel syndrome
With multi-speed settings, a bulbed head for g-spot spelunking, and a name like Liberte, this thing will totally turn her French in no time. You’ll know she’s become an ex-pat when you hear the following words screeched from the bedroom: "Liberte, egalite, fraternite!" Next thing you know, your diet will consist of foie gras and big stinky loaves of Reblochon cheese. But she’ll be happy. Is there anything more important than that?
In the sex toy industry’s ongoing quest to create increasingly orgasmic renditions of Star Trek weaponry, the Superbe might be Natural Contours’ crowning achievement. It also kind of looks like a fancy electric shaver; but really, the Trek angle is way cooler. Phasers on tenting orgasm!
For Couples and Foodies…without Dropping 4-Star Cash
Dining out is expensive. But dining in is a breeze – especially when you forage your repast from all the nooks and crannies of your beloved.
Who doesn’t love geishas? Of course – everybody loves geishas! So it stands to reason that every couple will want a Geisha’s Secrets Collection sensual kit. For the price of a candlelight dinner at the local Golden Corral, you can get yourself a veritable grab-bag of fornicative goodies:
- aphrodisiac oil (which is not approved for deep-frying; besides, it taste like grape – and who gets turned on by purplish fried chicken?)
- bathing gel (which not only cleanses the pores, but also re-fills them with Hot Loving, as well as Vitamin E)
- edible powder (turn your lover into a hormonally engorged pixie stick!)
- massage oil (it’s fruit-flavored!)
- sensations balm (which tastes like cherries and is redder than Lady Macbeth’s mitts)
- and a soft feather tickler (for heightened sensation/expedient clean-up)
For the shrieking vegetarian/vegan in your life (and we’re sorry), how about some hot soy wax? Well, why not – it’s not like tofu tastes any better than a big sloppy glop of beeswax. (Kidding! We love tofu. Totally. In fact, we often use it as caulking in the bathroom. Stuff works wonders.) With that in mind, we present the Shunga Massage Candle. Made of soybean wax, it burns at a low temperature, meaning that you won’t scald your vegan darling when you pour/dump/massage it into their supple, vitamin-starved skin.
Are you an aspiring pastry chef, allergic to supermarket-quality buttercream, but searching nonetheless for a quality frosting with which to coat your lover in and then lick off? Then what you need is a Body Frosting Gift Crate. Because, really – if you’re going to invest in body frosting, there’s no sense in buying just one meager jar. Once you begin to frosting-paint, there’s no means left for self-restraint.
Naughty or Nice…on a budget
However, if it’s restraint that you’re really looking for, we’ve got you covered. Has someone in your life been a naughty elf, an uncooperative helper, or simply bogarting the sacred ‘nog? Slap ‘em with the Japanese Silk Love Rope Cuffs and Blindfold. And start small – remember: with great Shibari comes great responsibility.
Along similar themes comes the Sexy Slave Kit. Because if your lover is also your slave, you’ll want to make sure they’ve got their sexy on 24-7. This is accomplished via restraints, a blindfold, a feather tickler – and, a wrist cord, for leading your newly sexed-up slave about the domicile.
Needing to make amends before Santa shows up with a lump of coal? (Actually, Santa will not be delivering coal to the naughty this year; Santa’s gone decidedly eco-tastic this time out; as a result, anyone who ends up on his naughty list this year will instead be given a partial invoice for Sarah Palin’s clothing bill.) But if it’s draconian discipline that needs to be doled out on the derrieres of the disobedient and debauched, then the Chains of Pleasure BDSM Kit has everything you’ll need:
- Handcuffs, for the shackling of the naught
- A vinyl eye mask, so said naughty won’t see you coming
- A 9-inch nylon whip with which to commence the whipping of said naughty, pending outcome of the trial)
If corporal punishment isn’t your idea of a fun, low-cost evening’s entertainment, then perhaps it’s time to bring out the big guns, by way of the O Tickle Me sensual kit. After all that edible dust, lick-me-up massage oils, and designer body frostings, it’s time for a little clean-up. That’s right; it’s time to dust your beloved! (Because there’re a lot of germs out there; it never hurts to take extra precautions. Besides, nothing says foreplay like two (or more) naked people feather-dusting themselves into ecstasy.
Safer Sex on a Budget…without Skimping on Either the Sex or the Safety
Ladies, is the wallet of your man ringed with telltale condom Os? Are you embarrassed for him ever time he reaches for his wallet to pick up the tab? Have you ever yearned for a condom-carrier of your own, as posh and stylish as a flapper-era cigarette case? Or a pill-box designed specifically for condoms? Just in case you have, then Just in Case is just for you.
How about a condom-carrier that looks like a mini makeup bag? Size Does Matter fits a dozen condoms, looks good in leopard-print (seriously – like, what doesn’t?), and comes with a lock so nobody screws with your screw-stash.
How about a little 4Play? Besides video games and s’mores, that is. The 4Play condom fun and frolic kit consists of: Touch, Tease, Taste, and Ignite – which sounds like an excellent path toward pyromania. Except maybe for the taste part.
And while we’re on the subject of safer sex, isn’t it about high time that someone gave us an ergonomic condom? Oh, wait – they have? Check this out: the Pleasure Plus condom, a P-shaped condom (yes, P-shaped) designed to not fit so tightly around the glans of the cock, making for better (re: REAL) friction. In other words, any man who says he can’t enjoy sex with a condom should immediately be gifted with one of these little beauties. For anyone who wants to give a man the gift of safe – yet fun – sex this holiday season, you couldn’t do any better than the Pleasure Plus.
That’s just a small sampling. You, your lovers, your friends, and even your in-laws – can all get off to their genital content – and on a budget, too! So make this holiday season an affordably orgasmic one for someone you love.
Because if nothing else, you’ll never see a re-gifted sex toy.
