Dear Dr. Sexpert:
I have been dating the same guy for two years now and he is absolutely perfect for me. But there is a big problem--the sex is no longer exciting to the point where I dread having sex with him and when we do, I hardly ever orgasm. Will I ever enjoy sex with him again?
Desperately Seeking Orgasms
I've been there, my friends have been there, and if you haven't, you probably know someone who has, even if it didn't take two years! It is sad, but true: sex can become a less exciting, or completely unexciting, part of a relationship, but it doesn't have to be that way. An exciting sex life can be part of your relationship for many month or years to come; all it takes is a little imagination, communication and a desire to explore new sensations.
So you've been having sex for a while—you've done it in bed, you've risked your neck (and shocked the neighbors!) on the roof and you've even scared the wildlife on your camping trip—naughty you! However, you want to add a little twist into your sex life but aren't sure if you're into role play or any of the heavier BDSM play. Your partner may agree with you that sex needs a fresh outlook or you may want to surprise them with something new and kinky, but the fact remains that you need something and you need it fast!
The easy suggestion is of course sex toys, but the tricky response is the one which tells you which sex toys, when and how. I'm going to tackle the latter. Setting a romantic scene is often a fun way to get your lover to explore some kinkier sex. Invite your lover to a sensuous bathtime massage or to have some erotic bedtime treats to pique their interest and once they begin to feel comfortable with these sex toy scenarios, introduce some light but fun bondage with lined handcuffs. If your partner is not into handcuff sex toy bondage or you don't feel comfortable restricting your lover with handcuff sex toys, try watching an erotic adult video and then imitating some of the adult movie star sex positions when you are both aroused.
Once you've explored these options, or if you have already played around with peripheral sex toys, you and your partner are probably ready to engage in a little more hardcore sex toy play.
We recommend that you watch an educational adult DVD like Nina Hartley's Guide to Sex Toys before you get busy with your own sex toy, or for you to read a few articles concerning sex toy use. Start easy—explore realistic dildo sex toys or vibrator sex toys prior to experimenting with anal plug sex toys or dildos and sex toy harnesses. Remember that your partner may not be as comfortable with exploring sex toys as you are—don't forget to communicate and be patient with their concerns or fears.
Here are some suggestions from Tamar Love to help integrate sex toys into your love life:
• Start slow: Save the double dong or strap-on dildo sex toy for future encounters. Try a nice, simple vibrator sex toy. Once your sweetie is used to the vibe, you can trade up.
• Be gentle: Your partner may like it on the rough side, but hold back a little the first few times you play with sex toys. There's plenty of time to accelerate!
• Talk to your partner. He or she may have agreed to use the sex toy, but that doesn't mean your lover is 100% comfortable with the idea. Talk your way through the experience. Ask your partner if what you are doing together feels good. If it doesn't, try something else.
• Use lubrication. Sex toys need lots of lube to slip and slide the way the sex toy should. The last thing your girlfriend needs to worry about is whether she's wet enough to enjoy herself. Similarly, you don't want to risk injury to male or female partners by inserting something into a dry orifice. Keep a bottle of lube handy and use it.
• Be flexible. The sex toy you've selected might turn out to be totally wrong for your sexual personalities. That's okay. Put that sex toy aside and try something different.
• Be patient. Your partner may agree to play with the sex toy, and then change his or her mind midway through the experience. That's his or her prerogative. Be patient and try again another time. It might take awhile, but it will be worth the wait.