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Follow and I Flee; Flee and I Follow

by David Levinson
January 11, 2006
Follow and I Flee; Flee and I Follow
So we've all been there, right? We're dating someone and find ourselves thinking about him constantly, calling too much, showing up at his workplace when we know we shouldn't, fantasizing about the rest of our lives together. We skip steps, vital steps, to close the deal; we don't like living in those unknowable, undefined spaces. And then - he pulls away, asks for space, declines invitations. He runs and runs and runs. Until then, we've kept up a hasty pace, dancing the jitterbug when we should've been thinking waltz. Of course, his (or her) messages have been mixed - the old "come hither-go yonder" routine - but that's no excuse for our sloppiness. We're smarter than that, aren't we? Yes and no.

If you're like anyone else in the early stages of love, you're bound to mess up the pacing; it's only natural. You haven't quite figured out the balance or the necessary techniques, those that lead to further intimacy, not the flight-or-fight anxiety that often dooms a new relationship, leaving it earthbound. What can you do?

Do not cling. Clinginess (i.e. neediness) is the surest way to drive someone away. Most of the time, this has nothing to do with the other person at all, but our own inadequacies, perceived and otherwise, which stem from our own shoddy childhoods. (Thanks again, Mom and Dad). Whether we like it or not, whether we believe it or not, we play out these parent-child scenarios over and over again with our honeys, acting out our strange behaviors, for better or worse - and it's usually for the worse. Unless we get a grasp on our overabundant needs (or lack of them), these same, ugly needs will threaten to undo us time and again.

Do not mistake space for neglect. Anyone asking for space is really asking for emotional space, for a time to figure out what he's feeling and how to respond to it. Give him space. Fill up your time and your life - you should've been doing this anyway - with friends and activities and busyness. Do not wait around. The surest way to doom your romance is to give off the air of "I can't live without you." Live without him. Go about your day with hope and happiness; you had it before he came around, didn't you?

As my good friend, Lisa, explained so concisely to our mutual friend, Cathy, who's in a dire, second-chance situation with her boyfriend: "Follow and I flee; flee and I follow. It's a trite cliche but the truest I know. If he thinks he's got you under his thumb, he doesn't have to make any effort and he can treat you however he wants. I know you want to be with him all the time, etc. but I think you need to think of the long-term future and equilibrium of this relationship and be a bit more independent and STRONG. That doesn't mean angry or aggressive or arrogant. Let him see that you love him but also that you can live without him - which is true - especially if he's not treating you with enough respect. He'll respect you more if you show him that you know you are worthy of it. Accept the limits, go about your life, and see if he misses you, wants more of you - let him realize it himself. In any case, you deserve to be loved - well and fully. It's no fun otherwise."

So let him go for a while and see what he does. He might miss you; he might not. But you can't live for someone else, ever. Do you think he's living his life for you? If you do, you've been fooling yourself the entire time.

natasha wrote:
January 23, 2006
Hi david how are u i want a adult toys in pakistan can u give me adresss adult toys in pakistan
answered:
January 23, 2006
Hi, Natasha. Are you asking me if there are any adult toy stores in Pakistan that you can visit or any websites that will ship to you in Pakistan? I couldn't find an exact address for any Pakistani stores selling adult toys, but why not order your adult toys directly online from www.edenfantasys.com? It's very easy and confidential and will not in any way compromise your privacy.

If I hear of any stores in Pakistan, I'll post a new reply for you.

Hope this helps,
David
Star wrote:
January 20, 2006
My fiance and I have been together for almost two years. Shockingly, it's always been extremely hard to get him in the mood for intimacy. I have tried everything I know of from wearing lingerie to just jumping on top of him....nothing works. He always comes up with some reason why he doesn't want to be intimate with me. Most of the time I feel like he doesn't want me; but that's silly because we're engaged. I'm desperate here! How can I snatch my honey's interest to put some passion and fun into our relationship?
answered:
January 23, 2006
Hi, Star. First, let me tell you that you are not alone in your frustrations. I hear about this same problem from men and women in your same position‹a partner who doesn't respond to sexual overtures and intimacy. A good friend of mine, in fact, is having this same problem as we speak. I will tell you what I've told him: weigh the pros and cons of your relationship, figure out what YOU want out of it, not what you think he will eventually be able to give you (chances are, at this point, he won't ever be able to give you what you REALLY want), and go from there. I realize examining your relationship might be painful, especially since you love the guy and are engaged to him. But think about it like this: do you really want to spend the rest of your life fighting for something that ought to come naturally and easily to you?

I'm not saying that you should give up on him. What I am saying is, perhaps it's time to talk about what ails him, why he can't seem to get it up for you. There might be a nagging and persistent problem that he's never told you about before or, like many men, he just might not have the highest of sex drives. Testosterone plays a key part in a man's ability for both arousal and potency. He might have low testosterone levels. If so, this can be corrected.

I'd say the problem isn't with you at all, but lies somewhere between you and your fiance. You want something; he's unwilling to give it to you.
Perhaps you should try a little distance. Get busy if you aren't already so and give him some space to work out what he needs to work out. Sex, like love, cannot ever be forced. An unwilling partner is still an unwilling partner, no matter how hard you push and wish for the romance. Let it happen organically. Let him make the first move. He obviously loves you. Let him come back and show it in the bedroom (or the roof or the car or wherever you guys like to do it).

Hope this helps,
David
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Author:David Levinson
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"David Levinson is a young writer who has mastered all the elements that make up a classically structured short story: drama, suspense, humor, empathy. There are no fancy pyrotechnics or meta-fictional devices here. He's a neo-traditionalist so the stories are direct, emotional and compulsively readable, plus there's enough mystery and action in them to propel at least a dozen novels."<br>Bret Easton Ellis