All too often I've heard myself or my female friends lamenting on the lack of romance in their relationships. We comment on our day to day grind of picking up laundry, getting the kids motivated, and trying to be the Superwoman we feel we need to be. At the end of the day, instead of simply falling into bed exhausted like our significant others and spouses, we try to initiate sex or some other form of intimacy. Then, when their snoring starts, we cry in the bathroom because we just “know” it's something we did or didn't do which has caused the problem.
We ask ourselves if it's over. We wonder if the situation is hopeless. Instead of thinking of ways to help bring about the changes we want to see, we lose ourselves in the way things used to be. Dating was perfect because there was always a dinner out and flowers. Before kids there were moments of spontaneous passion in various rooms of the house. Weekends were for something other than cartoons and video game marathons.
We love our partners. We want them to find us attractive. We want them to want us for more than our expertise in the kitchen or our child rearing abilities. However, we need to stop and ask ourselves what we're doing to facilitate those thoughts.
As a parent, I know how difficult it is to have any down time. Children are important and they take up most of an adult's time. We have to make our relationships a priority. It's paramount to the longevity of our love. Even if you can't afford to hire a sitter or you don't have the desire to do so, you can still show your partner the love you share is important.
Here are some simple suggestions for ways to get back in touch; simple ways to speak the language of love:
Start outside the bedroom. If romance is on your mind and you have to fix dinner anyway, fix his favorite meal. Buy a special card and leave it for him under the edge of his dinner plate. Call him before he gets home and tell him how much you love him and how excited you are that he'll soon be home.
Pay attention to your appearance. If your every day wardrobe consists of lounge pants and a tee shirt, put on the clothes you would wear if you were having company. If he likes a certain skirt or blouse on you which he compliments you on, wear it. Instead of a ponytail, take the time to fix your hair. Apply make-up and wear your jewelry. You'll feel good about yourself and he'll know it.
Talk. Don't nag. By now your partner is probably well aware of your day to day routine. An hour is a fair amount of time to spend discussing your day. By the end of the hour the frustration and stresses should be gone, leaving you to more important things. Ask for their help if you need it but don't get angry if he doesn't do it right that second. Completely steer clear of phrases like “You always…” or “You never…” because not only does that put them on the defensive, they're also probably untrue.
Set the scene. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate. Light a couple of candles through the house and in your bedroom. Play the music that relaxes and encourages you both to want to be close to one another. Lead your partner to the bathroom where you've filled the tub with warm water and surprise them by washing them from head to toe. It's relaxing for both of you.
Remember, they're not psychic and they can't read your mind. Most of the things I've listed above will speak for themselves. The problems come when you want one thing and he wants another, or vice versa. When it happens, speak up. Everyone needs to be led from time to time. If you want to make love, tell him you want to take your time and explore every inch of one another. If you need something more base and animalistic, whisper in his ear how much you like it when he presses you against the wall and takes you like a man possessed. You may blush and he might be shocked but I bet it will happen, or at the very least, give him food for thought.
Love isn't easy. Sex and passion aren't either. Sometimes instead of intercourse, it's okay to experiment with mutual masturbation or oral sex. There are really no hard and fast rules when it comes to intimacy. Open and honest communication is necessary. It's all about you and your partner, your wants and needs. Sometimes all it takes is one sentence to open the window of opportunity, one sentence to speak the language of love.
April 24, 2007
I'm 22 year old male and during my old high school days, i was dating my ex but we both broke it up because we both liked each other but we both knew we were too younger anyways to know what real love was, we did have a little fight in school bout it but nothing serious, anyways that wa when i was like 16 or 17, but after i grad. from school i moved away from my home town, and came back during april on my birthday, and my friend had a wedding and i was the main man, and my ex i was talking bout in the beginning she hapend to be there, she was single divorced and have two kids which is amazing bc i lov kids, and we both are the ame height and everyone always says we both are perfect for each other, but suring the wedding i got the courage to ask her if she would want to come to the beach with me and my friends and family during the summer, and of course she did say yes, now im not god or anything but isnt it wierd that we meet again is that faith talking or what, anways my point is, i want to make a impression on her since were close to dating now, but moved in with my mother to save some money and she also lives with her parents bc of the divorce, we both feel the same bout each other and everything, my mother is hardly at home, but the only thing bout me is that, i do al the things i was raised to do that females do, i cook clean, laundry mop the whole nine yards, so what can i do to impress her when the time comes to have an intimacy relationship, i really dont want to mess things up with her, i want everything to be perfect when the time comes for sex for both, i want her to be pleased first so any advice on what i can do to really impress her when she moves in with me?
April 25, 2007
Thank you for taking the time to write in. I know how excited and nervous you must be about the renewal of a wonderful relationship from your past. I commend you for caring enough about this woman and about your relationship with her to ask questions and seek advice.
Above all else, be yourself. It isn't about impressing her with your housekeeping abilities or your ability to pleasure her. Relationships are two way streets. The foundation is knowing one another, respecting yourselves and each other. Always be yourself, but be your best self as often as possible.
By now you're both aware that life takes some unexpected turns and it's not always perfect. Allow yourself the opportunity to really get to know one another before sex and intimacy come into the picture. Especially with children involved, going slow is always a good thing! Lots of long talks by candlelight will do the trick. Speak from your heart and she's sure to do the same.
Remember too that you're not the same people you once were. While the relationship you shared in high school might have paved the way for the two of you now, remember that you've both experienced different things. With her divorce perhaps she's feeling vulnerable or maybe she'll have a harder time trusting you. IF that happens, just reassure her that you're not going anywhere, remind her that you believe this reconnection has happened for a reason. Then hold her close.
This is a wonderful turn of events for you, Christopher. When the time comes for love making, don't rush. Take your time and don't feel pressured. If you worry about pleasing her, ask her what she likes. Experiment with different strokes and kisses, then ask what she likes best. By the same token, if there's something you would like from her, ask. Focus on one another and go from there. The rest will come naturally. (And down the road when you're looking for a change of pace, remember that EdenFantasys has plenty of toys and other goodies to keep things fun and interesting!)
Thanks again, Christopher for writing in. I hope that my response has helped answer some of your questions and addressed your concerns. If there's anything else, please feel free to email us again.
Wishing you the best of luck,
The Butterfly Temptress
Author:The Butterfly Temptress
I'm someone who truly loves to write. I blog, journal, and freelance not because it's something to do but because it's what makes me happy. Until recently, writing was my life. I finally met the man of my dreams who is constantly making those dreams come true. Though we share an alternative lifestyle relationship (D/s), he did a very traditional thing and proposed on Christmas Eve. We're busy planning our wedding as well as raising a house full of children under the age of ten. Between love and life I'm also writing my memoirs and putting together an anthology of BDSM short stories. I love to hear from people who read my writing, whether they write to tell me they hate or they love it. Writing for EdenFantasys has hands down been the best thing for my writing, after falling in love. It keeps my creative juices flowing and the love light burning. My hope is that through the articles and stories I write people can find a bit of themselves. We all have questions about relationships and sexuality. EdenFantasys has made it possible for people to take those first steps towards increasing their sexual intimacy or those all-important steps to keep their sex lives going strong.