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Female orgasm

by David Levinson
November 10, 2005
Female orgasm
Having finished her burger and fries, a girlfriend of mine turned to me quite suddenly, incredibly animated about foreplay, a topic she'd been contemplating recently. "There are two types of women, as far as I can tell," she said. "Those who can orgasm from getting eaten out and those who can't." She went on to describe how she fell into the latter category, preferring NO foreplay at all to the simple, robust machinations of a good hard fuck. "Sometimes, I wish men weren't as sensitive as they pretend to be these days," she said, glumly. "Sometimes, I wish they just fucked like the cavemen they were."

Indeed. I've heard this same lament oh-so-many times in the last couple of years, from good friends to bad acquaintances alike, from older women to younger, from every ethnic background and religion. Though they all recognize and appreciate the tremendous strides men have made, in the bedroom especially, many-not all, mind you-wish for the good old days, when men couldn't even utter the C word, much less put a tongue to it, without embarrassment.

Let's face it. The female sex organ-the vagina-is far more complicated than a man's penis, which means in general getting a woman off might be more complicated. Even the most sensitive of men cannot compete with the moody clitoris, which swells during excitement and changes position. According to, the blood vessels through the whole pelvic area also swell, causing engorgement and creating a feeling a fullness and sexual sensitivity. The inner vaginal lips swell and change shape. The vagina balloons upward, and the uterus shifts position in the pelvis. If aroused, a healthy male experiences a similar effect: his penis hardens, his scrotum contracts, pre-cum is produced in the hopes of intercourse-although nothing changes position or balloons outright, except for the self-contained penis itself. (Is it any wonder then that men leave all priapic concerns to general practitioners, while a woman must seek out a gynecologist, an expert in female sex and sexuality?)

"It's not that I don't enjoy cunnilingus," my friend said. "But if I can't achieve an orgasm like this, then what's the point? I need a guy who just wants to stick it in."

It's a strange dilemma, I think, not only because men are more sensitive these days to their partner's wants and needs-more wiling to talk about feelings-but also because this same openness seems to work against some of them. It's hard to say if this is more a product of her age (she's in her mid-twenties), which causes its own set of hang-ups and disillusionment, than with the men she's slept with or that one day she might not awaken to the joys of a pre-fuck orgasm. Still, what she says does bear out a peculiar movement in the spirit of male-female sexual relations. In the end, asking a man to forego foreplay for the sake of her own pleasure might be her only shot at orgasm. Then again it might be just another way for her to place restraints on what could potentially be an amazing insight into her own repressed sexuality.

January 11, 2007
Hi David,
My name is Amy and I'm over fifty now andsometimes suffer from prolonged orgasms which linger on as much as two full hours after I have preformed some self this normal?
January 15, 2007
I'm not a doctor, but I don't think there is anything wrong with you Amy. That is, unless these "orgasms" are affecting your ability to live or perform daily functions, in which case I would inform you to contact a health care professional immediately.
There are a myriad of questions that need to be answered if I, or anyone else, were to seriously try and answer this issue. First, try and record all the factors leading up to and concluding these events. What did you do differently during the times you experienced the extended orgasm versus times you didn't? Is this a relatively new experience that has occurred only recently? Has it ever happened outside of self-stimulation? How powerful is the initial orgasm versus the extended one? All of these will help a doctor better understand your situation and his/her ability to diagnose.
One of the first things I would ask is whether or not you are taking any medication. A common side effect of a few drugs, such as the anti-depressant Wellbutrin, have show an ability to counteract sexual dysfunction in women and induce spontaneous and long-lasting "orgasms" lasting up to two hours. If medication isn't the case, it is possible that you are experiencing an event known as Status Orgasmus. Usually the result of self-stimulation, this is an orgasmic state lasting twenty seconds to one minute, but nothing like the two-hour ordeal you described.
As Keven Pezzi notes in his book the "Science of Sex", orgasms involve the release of neurotransmitters; however, the brain cannot store enough neurotransmitters for an infinite supply, and therefore a limit to the duration of an orgasm is sustained. While some drugs and nutrients can increase the neurotransmitter stockpile marginally, nothing could permit an orgasm to the one-hour or two-hour mark. Therefore Amy, what you may be experiencing is a prolonged plateau phase. Most women will achieve orgasm 50 to 70 percent of the time, while others experience a satisfying prolonged plateau phase in which an actual orgasm was never really achieved, but instead remain at a preorgasmic peak of intense pleasure that eventually subsides. There is no real "solution" to this occurrence as far as I know, but I would advise you to contact a professional if it becomes a problem.
Mona wrote:
January 11, 2007
Why does my husband shy away from me masturbating him to orgasm. I find it very exciting and it makes me horny watching him come.
January 15, 2007
Although this is not something I can give you a definitive answer on, I can provide some factors which may be contributing to his fear. First and foremost, you need to talk. The best way to get your husband to be more open in the bedroom is to talk to him about what he likes and dislikes and why. There's no shame in being candid and forthright within a loving relationship, which brings me to my next question; does your husband, as far as you know, have any intimacy or control issues? Usually, when it comes to a particular act being performed in the bedroom one of the major factors holding an individual back is fear of what that act represents. He may feel as though relinquishing control of his penis to you somehow limits his ability to enjoy the situation because of the physical vulnerability, or he could be uncomfortable with the emotional vulnerability that this intimate act precipitates. Another reason could be a fear of ejaculating in front of you or discomfort with his bodily image. On the same token, it is possible he just does not like the feeling. There could have been a bad experience in the past with a female masturbating him, or maybe the sensation of you masturbating him isn't enough to really get him going and he doesn't want to disappoint. Any of these could be the possible problem, but you won't know until you ask.
Denise wrote:
January 06, 2007
Hi David,
For most of my adult life, I was never able to achieve orgasm through intercourse. I've found the man I truly feel I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with...and OMG, the sex is awesome! And yes...I have orgasm after orgasm after orgasm!! Here's my question...I really enjoy the first 2 maybe 3...but after that it's hard to explain...but it doesn't feel as good...and of course, He loves it when I beg him to stop making me cum!! Am I the only woman that feels like this? Is it wierd to only want 1 or 2? At most 3??

January 09, 2007
Dear Denise,

I am honestly not that familiar with this side of a woman's sexuality, however I don't see your dislike of more than 1 to 2 orgasms as an abnormality. What I can tell you though is that you are very lucky to have found a man who can provide you with as many orgasms as you want. Best wishes to you and your man in 2007.

Anon wrote:
January 04, 2007
Dear David,
I was once like your friend - forget the foreplay and let's just Get It ON! And I still find an orgasm with penetration to be more satisfying than with oral, but at one time in my life I took this preference too far. I spent 8 years in a marriage in which I don't remember even kissing my husband during sex. At the time, I thought that I was a once a night kind of girl - I was capable of having one orgasm only, and I prefered that orgasm to come during penetration from my partner. Luckily, I have never had a problem getting up to speed and the one orgasm I got was easily achieved with the woman on top position. I now realize that my husband was an extremely lazy lover and my complaicence contributed to his laziness. I didn't demand more, and I sure didn't get it. (In all fairness, if he was a lazy lover, I wasn't going out of my way for him either.)
We are now divorced, (sex wasn't the only thing he was lazy about!), and I am with a man who literally rocks my world. It was like going from Black & White to Technicolor. He has made me realize that I don't have to be satisfied with only one orgasm - I am capable of more, given time. We have been together for four years and the sex continues to get better and better! With his incredibly sexy encouragement, I have even begun to experience multiple orgasms! I can't believe that I spent most of my life in self-imposed sexual ignorance. Granted, I am extremely lucky to have a man with incredible stamina - a quickie is no way to get a multiple orgasm - but I am even luckier to have a partner who is sooooo giving and caring and who gets so turned on by turning me on. And the feeling is mutual. I love getting him all hot and bothered. I have found a wonderful partner and I hope that your friend does also. Black & White is fine if that's all you know, but we live in a Technicolor world.
January 09, 2007
Glad for you.
maria wrote:
April 17, 2006
How can i make my husband be more open in the bedroom he dosent want to try anything and sometimes he finiches and I'm just geting started and when I ask him to do it agen so I can cum he tel's me that I'm have a sex problem
April 25, 2006
Hi, Maria.

The best way to get your husband to be more open in the bedroom is to talk to him about what he likes and dislikes. Many sexual problems occur between couples because they don't know how to talk to each other or fear what the other will say. Don't be afraid to ask him what he prefers sexually. You obviously married him because you love him and care about him and if your sex life isn't what you thought it would be, chances are he feels the same way.

That said, there's no reason for abuse or blaming. He has no right to lay the burden of your less-than-adequate bedroom life on you. Get him to open up by being gentle, by asking him if there's anything you can do to spice things up for him: new lingerie, sex toys, porno. Men respond differently to different stimuli. Perhaps your husband wants you play with his ass or wear a clown suit to bed. Who knows? Only you do, but you have to ask him to find out.

Tamika wrote:
November 15, 2005
I would really like your help with this one.... I have never had an orgasm. Need I say more. I really enjoy having sex with my husband but I know that he gets very angry with me because I can't have one. He thinks that it is his fault. Please give me some suggestions if you have any. Thanks
November 16, 2005

Now that's a hard one. It sounds to me like there's a lot, A LOT, going on there, with you, but also with your husband. I'd like to pull back a bit and ask you, Do you find sex pleasurable? Do you masturbate? And if so, what exactly keeps you from getting off? I have heard this before from other women, that they've never had an orgasm and usually, this problem stems from a feeling of dislocation, of not being in the body at the time of sex. You need to grab your inner demons, Tamika, and wrestle them to the ground and tell them that you're in charge of your body and your orgasm and not the other way around. As for your husband, it can only be frustrating for him and emasculating as well. To try repeatedly to bring you to orgasm only to fail each and every time can only wound his sense of pride and masculinity and might eventually lead to further dilemmas down the road for the both of you.

My advice is to seek out a sexual counselor in your area, someone you can trust and talk to about whatever sexual hang-ups you might have (if you have any). Talking about your body with an expert can really help you identify and pinpoint what might be going on below the surface of your frustrations.
If you can get at the root of your inability to orgasm, you might actually be able to let go and get off.

Hope this helps,
whitney wrote:
November 11, 2005
How can i make my man (husdman) come frist .before i come frist. and like it more.
November 14, 2005
Dear Whitney,

Your question is a bit confusing, but let me parse it out. You ask: how can you make your husband come first, before you do, and like it more? And I have to ask you: Do you not like having sex with your husband? It's just a question, but one that I think might help you figure out what you want in the bedroom. If he's not pleasing you, then you need to tell him, perhaps not at the moment of sex, but beforehand. If it's you who isn't pleasing him, then you need to take a careful look at why. Has something happened between you that makes sex less fun? Liking to have sex with your man is an important part of any healthy, married relationship. But the stress of our lives sometimes affects our desire for another, though it is more about us than about the other person. My advice to you is to talk to your husband, find out what pleases him most, and then do just that. You might find that helping him out helps you out as well and opens up your sex life in ways you never thought possible.

Hope this helps,
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Author:David Levinson
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"David Levinson is a young writer who has mastered all the elements that make up a classically structured short story: drama, suspense, humor, empathy. There are no fancy pyrotechnics or meta-fictional devices here. He's a neo-traditionalist so the stories are direct, emotional and compulsively readable, plus there's enough mystery and action in them to propel at least a dozen novels."<br>Bret Easton Ellis