The Pain Issue
To put it simply; anal penetration should never be painful, if it is then something is wrong. It is one of the most intensely pleasurable forms of sexual activity, if you learn to do it correctly. In our culture there is not a lot of accessible information about anal sex and how to have it safely. Because most people are so uneducated about anal penetration, they have a lot of misconceptions about how the whole experience is supposed to go down. Our only images and points of reference on the subject come from the mainstream porn industry, which provides very erotic images of anal; however completely unrealistic.
In a porn film, you will almost never see the actors take out a bottle of lube and apply it before penetration. You get to watch images of hardcore anal sex, but the foreplay leading up to it usually winds up on the cutting room floor. The performers go right into penetration as if the ass got warmed up by magic; "I didn't know this was a sci-fi/ fantasy porno." And to top it all off, these people are seasoned professionals at taking it up the ass, so it takes them a lot less time to get ready for penetration. Of course you're going to get hurt if you think all hurtle-jumping is as easy as it looks in the Olympics, it takes some finesse and training to get that far; the same is true of anal penetration.
Anal sex should not hurt;
I will say it until I am blue in the face! You need patience, a lot of lube, and a little information. Whoever gave people the idea that you're supposed to work through the pain of anal penetration (or numb it), should be arrested for "endangering the well-being of the ass." You must have realistic expectations though, especially if you or your partner has had a bad anal sex experience in the past. Your ass has quite a memory and will not let you forget how upset it was when you tried to stick something inside without the proper procedure.
I speak from experience. Many years ago I tried to have anal sex incorrectly, but assumed I had to "tough-it-out" in order to get comfortable enough to start enjoying it. Can you guess the outcome of this idiocy? Was it:
- a) Literal pain in the ass for well over 24 hours
- b) Completely without pleasure for both parties
- c) Inability to move the lower half of my body for a half hour
- d) My partner feeling inconsolably guilty
- e) All of the above
If you guessed "e.) All of the above," you get another gold star. This is why you must take the following into consideration…
- You are not going to be able to go from anal sex novice to full fledged anal penetration with a penis or dildo in one night; be patient and your ass will thank you for it later. When something doesn't feel right stop, slow down, breathe, add more lube. Don't worry if you need to stop completely because you can try again later, your butt isn't going anywhere, trust me. You can work up to full dildo/penis penetration gradually by using sex toys. You can try anal beads or a range of different sized butt plugs.
- We cannot always depend on our partners to be as gentle as we want them to be, this is why I recommend getting started on your own. Anal masturbation is the best way to make penetration work the way it should and it's the best kind of "work" there is. You get to choose your own hours, work at your own pace, and the pay off is so good, you may become a workaholic. "Honey, wouldn't you know it; I have to stay late and do some deep probing for this Back-Door account. Don't wait up."
- You need real lube for anal sex; spit or ejaculatory fluid is not going to cut it. You need lube and you need to keep applying it throughout anal activities. The ass is not like the vagina that gets instinctively wet during arousal. The ass has no self-sustaining lubrication system; therefore you need lube and a lot of it. Keep the lube flowing, the more the merrier; if you're worried about a mess, put down a towel because it's going to be one hell of a day at the beach.
- You need to relax; your sphincters especially. When your fingers stroll up to your asshole thinking they're just going to slip inside, your butt will ask, "Are you on the guess list?" Then through well-lubed anal massage as well as other foreplay, you can fully relax and confidently reply, "Yes, I'm with the band." You can painlessly enter the pleasure party waiting in your ass when you know the right way to get inside. Vibrating toys help relax the muscles, making the whole experience more pleasurable and releasing anal tension: so stock up on batteries.
- Communicate with your partner about anal penetration. If you're flying solo, make sure to listen to what your body is telling you. If your partner has just inserted a finger in your ass, let him/her know if and when you are ready for another. Take a deep breath and concentrate on your ass. What are you feeling? Do you like the sensation? Are you uncomfortable? Work with yourself and your partner to make this a positive anal experience. And always remember that practice makes perfect.
The Gay Issue
One of my favorite misconceptions about anal play is the infamous "gay issue." Many people assume a guy who likes his ass played with in any way is secretly a homosexual. This is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard, worse than the whole "anal sex is painful" myth. Most of the butts I have played with belong to straight men; not even bi-curious. And to further burst the butt sex bubble, a good percentage of gay guys don't even practice the art of anal penetration, nor want to. Any sex between a man and a woman is straight sex, no matter how realistic that dildo looks. If a straight guy wants a "dick" in his ass, he wants a lovely lady on the other end of it; this I know. Getting it up the ass does not suddenly make you attracted to men; just ask the plenty of lesbians who do it with their girlfriends.
What I find so fascinating about the ass is the similarity between men and women. Our anal anatomy is almost identical. Women and men, regardless of sexual orientation, have the potential to get a lot of pleasure from their asses. Men actually have a leg-up over women in anal pleasure. Prostate massage during anal penetration is a more directly stimulating than a woman's G-Spot through the rectal wall. Get this "gay issue" nonsense out of your head so you have no hang-ups about this amazing source of pleasure you have literally been sitting on for years.
The Dirty Issue
A number of very sexual people will not go near their asses for pleasure. Why would a sexually open minded person avoid the asshole like he/she owes it money? The answer is a massive fear of poop. Here is a tip from me to you; get over your feces phobia. Seriously, if you have taken a poop already, you will most likely not have to deal with shit during anal play; and if you do it will be very little. We make feces an issue because of a societal taboo related to potty training, leading to shameful feelings about what comes out of our bodies. This is further exasperated by Freudian psychology to be an unavoidable stage of our social development. Even if Freud was correct (which many modern psychologists refute), poop is still not worth missing an anal pleasure cruise over.
I'm not saying you have to like your poop and be proud of it; you don't need to hang your BM's drawings on the refrigerator or anything like that. Just learn to not freak out about it; realize that everybody does it and it is a perfectly natural part of a physically functioning body. If you know how the rectum works you will understand that it's empty most of the time.
Your poop is not hanging out in the rectum all day; the rectum is merely a vestibule to briefly hold feces until we can get to a bathroom. Therefore if you empty your rectum (take a poop) before you engage in anal play, you should not come into contact with feces, though the rectum may contain small amounts of fecal remnants. This is not a big deal, just have tissues or baby wipes at the ready in case you do come in contact with some poop. Clean it up and continue, don't let it rain on your anal parade.