As you
probably know, we at EdenFantasys recently held a community-wide
contest. The theme of the contest was ‘What I Want for the
Holidays’ – in the form of sex toys, of course. The
following three entries were voted by the community to be the best of
the bunch, and we can’t argue one bit with their good taste.
1. Dear Santa, by Miss Jane
November 19, 2008
Santa
Mr. Christopher Cringle
001 Jingle Road
North Pole 00001
Dear Santa,
Subject: My Christmas List
I’m
writing to send you my Christmas list for the year. There’s
only one thing on it this time around and I know it’s
expensive, but I’m sure it’ll last a really long time.
All I want
this year for Christmas is the
Eleven double ended steel dildo by Njoy. I’ve been nice
all year and I think I deserve to be a little naughty.
And
really, there’s nothing that’s not nice about the Eleven.
It’s made of stainless steel – which means it won’t
harbor germs or bacteria, doesn’t have phthalates, and can be
easily and completely sanitized. Plus, since it’s made to last
it helps the environment by reducing waste. By giving me this instead
of a standard dildo, you’d be saving your elves a lot of work
and keeping the landfills that much emptier.
I’ll
have a batch of triple chocolate chip cookies and a carton of whole
milk waiting for you by the tree. With all the exercise of hauling
the 3.5 pounds of steel around the world until you get to my house,
you’ll be able to forget about calories and not even get nagged
by Mrs. Clause when you get home.
Plus, if
you bring it I can write a review at EdenFantasys telling about how
wonderful I’m sure it is - and maybe you can convince Mrs.
Clause to get one, too. *wink*
2.Lucky, by Sleeping Dreamer
I have a
sweet tooth. What better way to indulge in my cravings of chocolate
than on Christmas? There's just one toy on my list this year and it's
the Lucky
realistic dildo by Happy Valley in Brown. It looks
velvety smooth and milk chocolaty rich, with a texture so creamy it
could melt in my mouth. A perfect shaft of 7 solid inches and large
raised testicles sculpted perfectly round like two Lindt truffles. A
craving with 0 calories and absolutely no guilt, made of pure
silicone that would last a lifetime on my lips and never on my hips.
Wishing everyone at EdenFantasys a Happy Holiday and a Happy New
Year!*
3. The Night Before Christmas, adapted by Beautiful Dreamer
by ClementClarke Moore or Henry Livingston
‘Twas the night before
Christmas, when all through the house
The only creature that was
stirring; was my soon to be spouse.
The stockings were hung by the
bed with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The
vibrators were nestled all snug in their drawer,
While they
visioned how strong their batteries could be times four;
And me in
my lingerie, him tied down with a snap,
We had just earned a well
deserved nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a
clatter,
That even I didn't know what was the matter.
Away to
the window I flew with a dash,
Tore open the shutters and gave my
neighbors a flash.
The moon on my breasts & the new-fallen
snow,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what
to my wondering eyes should arise,
But a miniature sleigh, and
eight toys guaranteed to arouse!
With a little old driver, so
lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More
rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and
shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Eleven!
now, SaSi!
now, Elise
and Annie-O!
On,
Esse! on Delight!
on, Flip
Hole and Bo!
I
want them, I love them, I need them all!
St. Nick said, "Here's
a Stage too, to catch your fall!"
So up to the bedroom, they
soon flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas
too.
This man read my dirty little mind,
& I can never
thank him enough for being so kind.
4.Raygun, by TSM
I’m
a nerd. I’m a big honkin’ sweaty-palmed, Star
Wars-quoting, healthcare reform-talking nerd of the first order. The
only thing I don’t have as a nerd is replica weaponry from my
favorite sci-fi movies. This is probably because I was raised by
hippies who maintained a strict no-guns (even toy guns) throughout my
childhood.
However,
halfway through the fourth decade of my life, I think I’m ready
to take the Second Amendment – not to heart, but more to loin.
Thus, I’d totally love to get my Flash Gordon on with one of
those space-age Double
Penetration Dildo Guns. I mean, how else can one
combine Buster Crabbe AND be all sexay about it?
There’s
a scene from the 1970’s cult classic Flesh Gordon, when the
film’s arch nemesis, Wang the Perverted (a sly take on Ming the
Merciless) directs this little nugget of invective at one of his
perverted underlings: “Out of my way, dildo!” Far better
in my opinion, to have a dildo gun at one’s side –
because then nobody will want you to get out of their way –
rather, they’ll be insisting you get as much in their way as
possible.
Now that I
think about it, I kind of want two of them. Because while Flash
Gordon is way cool, Django is even cooler – especially when
packing double sidearms. Come on now – who wouldn’t want
to be an accommodatingly pervy space cowboy? Just ask the ladies –
pervy space cowboys are all the rage these days.
The New Intimacy
