Green Christmas:
An Eco-Friendly Holiday Shopping Guide
Sex Guides and Tips
by TSM

As sure as the great rotunda of Al Gore’s midsection (being right means you always eat well), it’s a safe bet to say that we’re no longer playing with house money when it comes to the state of the planet. The silver lining (not to be confused with disintegrating ozone) in this is that we can act on it ourselves – in virtually every aspect of our daily lives.

Which ultimately brings us back ‘round to sex. Did you know that with a little research and smart shopping, you can not only get off, but help get your planet off (the hook) as well?

It’s true. The only thing green this season doesn’t have to be your mistletoe. (Though it can’t hurt, either.) Someone famous once said ‘it’s not easy being green’. And, far be it from me to debate the philosophical wisdom of Kermit the Frog, yet I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with him on this one. With a little know-how and a little extra attention, being green is as easy as putting lipstick on Miss Piggy. (Okay, no more Sarah Palin jokes in this article – we promise.)

Let’s take a look at a few of the more eco-friendly toys out there, and how green is the new color of getting off.

ONE. Rechargeable Toys

Here’s a newsflash for you: batteries are bad. Toxic metal pollution (which is different than heavy-metal poisoning), hazardous chemicals, and electronic waste (you are recycling your used batteries, aren’t you?) are just a few of the reasons why. So the next logical step in sex toys is obviously rechargeable toys.

Bunnies are renowned for their bucktoothed tenacity. Whether it’s Bugs wisecracking on Fudd with a Brooklyn accent, or that little bugger in your garden who keeps stealing your radishes – rabbits are a force of nature to be reckoned with. So it only stands to reason that the most popular model of vibrator over the last 15 or so years is also, though not so subtly, named Rabbit. This brings us to the Tenacious Bunny, a dogged member of the extended Rabbit family designed to turn any woman into a fervid animal right’s activist in no time. Here’s the best part: this Bunny is rechargeable! That’s right – no corrosive batteries are needed to charge up your batteries!

When you see the name Mia, what do you think of first?
  • Mia Farrow
  • Made in America
  • Miami International Airport
  • the Marble Institute of America
  • Rambo
  • Molecular Information Agent
  • the Marxists Internet Archive
  • LELO, baby!

If you guessed H, you’re probably a perv. But you’re also right on the money. LELO’s already the word for ‘oooh, I want that’ on the lips and hearts of women everywhere. Mia’s also rechargeable – but instead of plugging it into the wall, you just plug it into your nearest (re: not already in use) USB port and let it juice up whilst you surf for porn to further inflame your ardor, and then go do it again! It’s a vicious cycle, eh?

Another fine rechargeable vibrator is the SaSi, a clitoral wunderkind of the highest order. Looking somewhat like a Sega game controller, the SaSi is the Swiss army knife of vibrators. It’s a luxury toy and a learning curve rolled up into one. It comes with a 22-page instruction manual, which means that it’s the world’s first vibrator in need of a 24-7 tech support line. What’s Steve Jobs up to?

TWO. Biodegradable Toys

Maybe you‘d like to go a step further than recharging and/or recycling – maybe you want a sex toy that’s completely biodegradable. Have no fear – thanks to a few spiffy new toys, it’s easier than ever to get your woody on (and to totally pwn that thing). Nob Essence specializes in creating ergonomic wooden toys with a smooth, anti-microbial polymer finish that are so stylish and eco-friendly, you might as well be getting off to Henry David Thoreau’s Walden. Seriously – once you go Nob, you’ll want no other toy for the job.

Looking alternately like a piece of designer driftwood or a Hobbit’s walking stick, the Anal Toy Single by Nob Essence will give you a little morning wood any time of day.

Nob Essence also has the Turned G-Spot Dildo. Driftwood never felt so good!

And don’t forget the Smooth S Shape double-ended dildo. Just don’t tell the Ents what you’ve been up to, lest you bring terror upon Middle Earth!

THREE. Eco-Conscious Manufacturing

Tantus is one of the industry leaders in the realm of eco-conscious manufacture. Many of their toys are made out of 100% medical-grade silicone. It’s odorless, phthalate-free, hypo-allergenic, non-porous, latex-free, and sterilizable. You can wash ‘em with a 10% bleach solution, boil `em (dildo soup!), or toss ‘em into the dishwasher. These are toys built for the long-haul, without any unpleasant health concerns to worry over.

The Small Silk dildo is an all-occasion dildo: you can use it on a vagina, an anus, on a partner’s corresponding orifices, or snap it into your favorite O-ring for some strap-on shenanigans. And it's not terribly mean-looking, either. Which should count for something, right?

And then there’s the Ripple probe, which, quite frankly, is mildly intimidating. But it’s kind of hard to present the illusion of innocuousness when you’ve gone and combined a standard butt plug with the bulbed mini-heads of anal beads. It’s flexible, modish, and sure to make your next anal rampage a memorable, yet ecologically sound one!

On the other hand, if you’re looking for something a little more...Spinal Tap-ish, for the big bottom or big bottom connoisseur in your life, there’s the Ripple Large butt plug. If you’re in need of some fresh holiday bulbs this year, Tantus has got you covered. Well, they’ve got you filled, to be more precise about it.

For a slightly more phallic foray into anal play, there’s the Holt butt plug. Slim and intensely cockish, the Holt’s a perfect toy for the beginner ass-enthusiast/eco-warrior.

Moving right along, we’ve got the Buzz 1, another lovely and multi-purpose dildo for him or her – and really, what could more of a turn-on than the following words: ‘I am now going to fuck you – with an Buzz 1 dildo.’ Turn your body 90 degrees and get ready to have your prescription of ‘yes, please!’ filled over and over again!

Lately, Tantus has been taking their silicone savoir-faire to the next level, with their O2 series of dildos. The O2 line are dual-density, with a hard inner core, and a soft, supple outer layer. Kind of like a Tootsie Pop, but in dildo form.

The O2 Revolution dildo might be the best and certainly the brightest of the bunch. It looks like a hentai cock brought to shimmeringly colorful life (without all that glowing purple seminal fluid, we’re pleased to report). But it’s got all the wrinkles, veins, and masturbatory tug-marks you’d come to expect on any quality penis, giving it an authoritative air of realistic fuckability.

But that’s not everything Tantus has got up its sleeve. Their Alumina line of toys combine eco-friendly aeronautic aluminum (which means that you can build an airplane out of it – a dildo-plane to the stars!) with sleek design, ooh-la-la-ness, and a special new changeability element to build your own sex toys – each Alumina product is designed to be split apart and reconfigured with other Alumina toys – forget Lego – these are fuckable Transformers. More than meet the eye, indeed!

The Alumina Revolve double ended dildo on first glance looks like a scepter wielded by an angry interstellar sovereign bent on enslaving humanity. But on earth we use it for pleasure – it’s bulbed and curvy and designed to get at the most persnickety of g-spots.

Another perk of Alumina is that they’re extremely temperature-sensitive. Want a cold surprise? Set it on ice for a minute. Want it a little hotter? Let it sit in hot water for a sec. Aluminum is of course an excellent temp-conductor, so the sky’s the limit with these.

And speaking of the sky, that bring us to motion – specifically, the Alumina Motion double ended dildo. With one smaller end and one thicker, more bulbous end, this little baby’s guaranteed to bring a little eco-rocking to your Christmas stocking!

Depending on your age, you may remember the rallying cry of a certain heavy-metal band in the early 1980s: ‘metal up your ass!’ But what was then a rallying cry for the disaffected and pimple-afflicted is now a sex toy reality, courtesy of the Alumina Pace butt plug. Looking like a head-seeking missile, the Pace (which is, in fact, not named after ex-chairman of the joint chiefs of staff General Peter Pace) will put you through your paces ass-first, and have you saluting your own burgeoning eco-friendliness in no time!

Luxotiq’s also entered the heavy-metal fray, with their Luxotiq Anal Plug. Looking alternately like a stainless steel bowling pin or an enclosed vase, it’s fortunately small enough to make butt-play a rewarding experience. Stainless steel is 100% safe for play, phthalate-free, non-porous, and easily sterilized.

FOUR. Getting Off While Getting Your Non-Toxic On

Maybe you’re looking for something under the heading of ‘non-toxic’. And why wouldn’t you – after all, why would you want to place into your body something that wasn’t healthy for you? (To avoid invoking the articles of irony at this time, we will not mention fast food, turduckens, or gigolos.)

A. Ceramic

Ceramic is an excellent choice for those looking for something both elegant and non-toxic. And you thought ceramic was only good for casseroles and creepy dolls! Goldfrau (not a relation of either Goldfinger or Goldmember) specializes in fancy ceramic dildos with a Victorian regality perfect for the librarian teetotaler in your life.

Seriously, if Jane Austen had had a Goldfrau toy, Pride and Prejudice would only have lasted a dozen or so pages. Elizabeth would have told Darcy what to go do with himself, and then she’d have returned to her one truly and fully requited love: the Goldfrau Classic Miss Pink dildo. If nothing else, she could’ve used it to club the holy hell out of Darcy, Jane and Bingley and knock some sense into the lot of them, thus sparing the rest of us of having to suffer through the rest of the novel.

And considering the stoneware in question here, we think it’s perfectly applicable to suggest that any person caught enjoying the wares of Goldfrau are indeed getting, well…stoned.

Which is totally legal in this instance.

B. Glass

Then there are glass toys. Glass toys have a few advantages over other materials. Made from Pyrex or borosilicate glass, these toys are completely non-porous and absolutely sterilizable, bring you the best of all possible worlds in one tidy package. Other advantages of going the glass route:

  • They’re pretty
  • They can be used as weapons should anyone happen to offend you at the local Wal-Mart
  • You can pretend they’re Kryptonian crystals which will allow you to commune with Jor-El in the Fortress of Solitude

Phallix has a wide array of glass toys, all designed to be completely eco-friendly, without giving any quarter in terms of orgasmic sanctity and even enviously recherche.

Phallix’s G-Spot Wonder is something of a technological wonder, even if it does look like a translucent hentai-phallus. Curved, knobbed, thumpy and bumpy, this finagled fantasticality not only lays orgasmic siege upon the g-spot; it mandates a twitching, screeching, teeth-gnashed series of orgasms so profound as to awaken Lucius Mestrius Plutarchus (that’s Plutarch, y’all). As if that wasn’t enough, it’s designed to simultaneously pay a little nub-service to the clit as well, ensuring that Plutarch not only wakes up, but adapts the Moralia as a sitcom for FOX next fall.

The Ball Head with Curved Elbow Glass Dildo Wand is a mouthful times two; even better, it's intended to fill something else entirely. Looking sort of like an old-school newsman's microphone, this baby's packing where it counts most: the g-spot. Remember, the g-spot is the new clitoris – as such, the more attention and care you lavish upon it, the more you're inclined to be a happy and upstanding member of your community. And if you're buying it for her as a gift – well – she's gonna think you're a fucking saint.

From the stamp of approval of the FDA comes the Crystal Cut S-Curve Double Dong. Looking very Kama Sutra-esque, this Double Dong has got more texture than a Nabokov novel, with diamonds on one side and ribs on the other. Because if you're going for a night out that suits both a man and a woman, diamonds and ribs are probably the best way to go.

And while we’re on the subject of Double Dongs – and who doesn’t love a good Double Dong? Go ahead and show me who doesn’t – I dare you – no – I Double-Dong-Dare you. This brings us to the Inside Out Spiral Rib Double Dong, which some insist is based on conceptual artwork from Jim Henson’s classic The Dark Crystal. Covered with swirls inside and out, this thing is sure to leave her feeling pretty swirly as well.

For those of you looking for something a little more hardcore, if not downright extreme, Phallix has for your consideration a little ditty called the Standing Fist. No, it’s not a kung-fu reference, but it’s pretty close. Let’s just say that its design could easily be re-appropriated into a new logo for the UFC. It’s seven inches long, made of transparent Pyrex, capped off with a closed fist in lieu of a cockhead. With knuckles. And like a UFC title bout, the Standing Fist will make you submit, to – say it with me – ecstasy!

And, thanks to Phallix, there’s no longer any need to suffer from blue-balls – unless you really want to. Granted, the Mini Blue Ball Explorer Pocket Rocket sounds like a decidedly madcap manga, if not several contradictions lumped together in dildo form. (And, really – can you think of a better use for contradictory nature than to turn it into a dildo? We thought not.) One shaft. Three balls. One of ‘em blue. And hours upon hours of orgasmic, if not ejaculatory tomfoolery!

But Phallix isn’t the only company specializing in glassware hootchie-cootchies.

Xhale Enterprises would like you to take one small step for asskind, with its Moon Plug. So get your Sputnik on, butt-style! But if, to paraphrase James Bond, the Moon is not enough, then maybe the Mister Twister is more your cup of buttsex.

Chances are when Jimmy Page first conjured up the riff for "Heartbreaker" out of the black depths of Cthulhu-land, he wasn’t thinking of a glass g-spot dildo. Nonetheless, Xhale Enterprises thought just that, and thus we have the Heartbreaker – a curved, heart-strewn dildo carefully calculated for g-spot gaiety.

Then there’s Topco, who, not to be outdone, have, among other offerings, the Cyberglass Four-Way G Dildo. It’s a double-teardrop of lovin’, with added nubs, ribs, and a sacred vow to make your g-spot sing like Maria Callas after a weekend bender. If, however, you’re in the market for something a little creepier and crawlier, then Topco’s got just the serpent of temptation for you: the Snake of Paradise. Fortunately, this snake will not endanger your soul, nor anything else – if anything, this Snake of Paradise is out to prove that temptation is far more heavenly than we’d previously thought. It’s nubby and ribby and curled and ready to unfurl itself all over your happy spots.

Luxotiq’s got a thing or two to say on glass as well; their signature is high-end, eco-friendly, jaw-droppingly gorgeous sex toys that double as art. Try the Classic Glass Dildo on for size. With the appearance of a miniaturized lava lamp, the Classic is simple, elegant, and, in the spirit of transpartisanship, double-sided, like a die that never rolls an unlucky number. Or get your Greek on (and/or in) with the Hera, which, particularly in blue, is enough to gain favor with any Greek deity (or porn-star).

C. Cock Rings: the Steel and the Stone

And then there are the cock rings, stacked in eco-friendly pageantry like a series of cock-ready Olympic rings. When someone coined the phrase ‘get your rocks off’, they probably didn’t have Luxotiq’s Aventurine Cock Ring in mind. Aventurine, for those non-geologists in the audience, is a form of quartz characterized by a striking green translucence that’s sure to make any cock feel every bit the king. If Green Lantern wore a magical cock ring to go along with the power-ring on his finger, this would definitely be the one. However, if superhero-green’s not really your color, then how about the Agate Cock Ring? Agate is a microcrystalline kind of quartz, mainly found in volcanic rock. Which means that any mean who puts this on can totally fire up his volcano for eruption.

Gear Essentials has their own line of cock rings straight from the belly of the earth, ready to be pressed into engorged service at the leisure of your majesty’s pleasure. Come on now; what self-respecting man wouldn’t want to slip into a stainless steel cock ring? It’s eco-friendly, completely hygienic – and it just looks really fucking cool. It’s like having a Terminator cock. First up is the Titan Brushed Cock Ring, proving that you don’t have to go all Steel Magnolias to know the touch of steel. Think of it as a wedding band for your cock.

Then there’s the Celtic Cock Ring, with its Gaelic engravings and promises of Celtic glory – and we’re not talking about Paul Pierce here. Get your kingmaker on!

Moving right along, we have the Fury Brushed Cock Ring, which looks sort of like a double-hubcap for the excessive pimping-up of your cock. Yes, these are the rims you’ve been looking for. But if you’re looking for something a bit more resplendent, there’s the Omega Engraved Cock Ring, weighing in at 9.5 ounces of testicular beefiness. With flames engraved into it, for all your ‘hot rod’ needs. If however you want something a little more anti-establishment in appearance, then try on an Omega Barbed Wire Cock Ring. With a halo of interlocked barbed wire engraved into it, this is the cock ring for any outlaw or jazz musician.

Green Balms, Oils, and Jack-Off Creams for the Jacks and/or Jills in Your Life

And don’t think that you’re out of luck when it comes to oils and creams; lubricants and sensitizing creams don’t have to be loaded with harmful additives or preservatives in order to help you get your ‘mmm, good’ on.

Sensuous Beauty specializes in oils and creams made of 100% organic and natural ingredients, designed to give your tingly bits all the extra tingles you can handle. For instance, there’s Vulva Balm (please, no Seinfeld references). Loaded with sunflower oil, wild-crafted cocoa butter, and vitamin E, Vulva Balm (say it with me) is a multi-purpose moisturizer specifically created for use on the…well, vulva! It also makes for an excellent marmalade substitute. Then there’s Love Balm, an organic balm containing, among other things, 100% organic love (i.e., coconut oil), making happy-time a deliciously tropical entanglements.

For the guys, there’s Men's Pleasure Cream, proving that jack-off creams can be both vegan and constructive. Plus, it comes in two different flavors – lemon lust, or excite-mint, making for what may be the most savory-sweet nut you’ve ever enjoyed. And to prove that there indeed is a balm for every conceivable need, there’s Kissing Balm, ensuring that every lip-lock will be an epicurean delight, be it Honey Orange Blossom, or Honey Rose flavored.

Good Clean Love wants to guarantee your lubricative splendor, but in a way that’s also good and clean for good ol’ Mother Earth. Both their Good Clean Love Oil and Good Clean Love Lubricant are packed with natural goodies to keep your spider sense a-tingling.

Hathor Aphrodisiac Lubricant Pure is a warming lubricant made from pure botanical emollients and organically cultivated essential oils, which means that it will turn you into a hippy in about 10 minutes. Not the worst thing in the world, as far as side-effects go.

Sliquid Organics Natural is an all-natural lubricant, completely vegan and animal-free. Score another one for the vegans!

Angelic Aromas specializes in taking aromatherapy to new heights of aphrodisia with their brand of lubricants and sprays. Their French Tickler Edible Sex Lube is a good place to start for friction-based nibbling. The Lifemate Magnetic Spritzer Spray does not unfortunately contain any magnets; however, it commingles with your pheromones in such a way as to render you positively irresistible to the fuck-buddy of your dreams. And then there’s the Dominatrix Spritz, which, like any good Dominatrix, MUST BE OBEYED AT ALL TIMES. It serves as a body-spritz, lotion, and even as bubble bath, should Mistress so choose. And, true to its name, it leaves any woman smelling like equal parts control and ass-kicking.

And that’s just a small sampling of what’s out there. Pink and red might be the traditional colors of sex, but green’s making some serious inroads. Soon you’ll be getting off not only on your new green toys; but on the pride you take in having gone green to stay.